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#19627 - 02/04/09 06:36 AM Re: Jokes [Re: daevid777]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
Q. What did the deaf girl do when she fell down a well?

A. She screamed her hands off.
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#21078 - 02/24/09 07:05 AM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Fallon Offline
stranger


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 13
Loc: UK, Swindon
Whats long, hard and fucks a women? An IQ test
------------------------------------
How do you stop your girlfriend from sucking you off? Marry Her!
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What paralyzies a women from her chest to her feet? Marriage
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I mean no offensive to the women/girls on here

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#21980 - 03/13/09 07:38 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2367
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
Very amusing thread; thanks everybody. Whenever I visit Vegas, I always ask the cab driver from the airport for the best joke he's heard recently. From my last trip:

A man, recently arrived in town, wishes to join the local church. "Ours is a very moral church," says the pastor, "so we have a test for every applicant - to abstain from sex with your wife for the next three weeks. Come back and see me then."

Three weeks later they meet again, and the pastor enquires, "Well, how did you do?"

"The first week was easy. The second week was more difficult, but I got through it O.K. The third week ... Well, I'm sorry ... My wife dropped a can of beans on the floor, and when she bent over to pick it up, I just couldn't stand it and let her have it right then."

"Then I'm afraid," said the pastor sternly, "that you won't be able to join our church."

"I kind of figured that," said the man sadly. "They won't let me back in that Safeway again either."

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#21982 - 03/13/09 08:24 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
Mwhahahahahahaaaa! That's a great one! Keep 'em coming everyone.
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#21984 - 03/13/09 09:29 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#21985 - 03/13/09 09:34 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
A tourist is in a bar in Australia drinking a brew when a crocodile hunter came in the door with a huge crocodile and ordered a beer. He then dropped his pants and the crock bit down hard on his cock. The crock hunter skull- fucked the crock, and in a couple of minutes, he came hard, broke the neck off the bottle of beer and jammed it in the crock's eye. The crocodile screamed loudly and scampered out the door while the crock hunter chugged the beer and bellowed, "OK! Any of you faggots in her think you can do that?"

The tourist raised his hand and said, "I'd like to try, but I'd rather that you didn't shove your beer bottle in my eye when you're done!"
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#21998 - 03/14/09 03:59 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
A Dyslexic bank-robber entered a bank, fired a warning shot into the ceiling, and screamed;

"AIR IN THE HANDS MUTHASTICKERS THIS IS A FUCKUP"!
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#22003 - 03/14/09 06:34 AM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Dimitri Offline
stalker


Registered: 07/13/08
Posts: 3023


Edited by Dimitri (03/14/09 06:36 AM)
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Ut vivat, crescat et floreat

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#24349 - 05/09/09 06:24 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Dimitri]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
A husband and wife are driving home in silence after having a fight.

They pass a farm of cows and pigs, and the wife says sarcastically, "They relatives of yours?"

"Yes", the husband replies, "Fucking IN-LAWS!"
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#24853 - 05/21/09 07:09 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#24855 - 05/21/09 09:26 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
Q. Did you hear about the Irish guy that raped a cabbage?

A. He thought it was a Collie. (Hi Cody!)

And just one more...

Q. What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

A. One snatches watches, and the other watches snatches.
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#24856 - 05/21/09 09:38 AM Re: Jokes [Re: spiderbreeder]
Dan_Dread Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 3706
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
-What did the mexican say when two houses fell on him?

-Get off me, homes!

-------------

What do you call a 4 foot mexican?

A paragraph, because he is too short to be an essay.

-------------


-How was it known that princess di had dandruff?

-because they found her head and shoulders in the glove box....
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ADM
ideological vandal

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#24857 - 05/21/09 09:49 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Dan_Dread]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
-Why did the retarded girl's dog commit suicide?

-Well, wouldn't you if your name was AAAAAAGGGHHHHTHHhhh....?


And everyone's gotta have heard about the Irish tap-dancer who broke his ankle falling into the sink...
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#24858 - 05/21/09 10:10 AM Re: Jokes [Re: spiderbreeder]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
A farmer takes his friend to see his fields. There were acres and acres of perfectly plowed fields, but in the center there were two uncultivated spots one had a tree, and one was just a grassy area. The friend asked the farmer why they weren't plowed.

"Sentimental reasons," said the farmer. "The spot with the tree is where I made love the first time. The grassy spot is where her mother stood."

The friend was flabberghasted. "You did her in front of her mother? What did her mother say?"

"Moooooooooooooooooooo!"
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#24859 - 05/21/09 11:46 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
love.light.peace Offline
Trolling Hippy
stranger


Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 22
A small child and a paedophile were walking through a tall, dark pine forest. The child turns to the paedophile and says "I'm scared."
The paedophile responds; "You're scared? I gotta walk out of this place all by myself!"
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Looking for a ban

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