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#12311 - 10/07/08 10:59 AM Jokes
lux Offline
Banned
pledge


Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: Newcastle UK
I just thought I would start a thread where we can share some jokes, I like jokes, they make me laugh, so here is one or two.

1. I was working in the Garage the other day, when a Cat came in and drank the Gas/Petrol I had in a small saucer, it took off and ran rappidly around the room, up the walls and darting all over, it then dropped down dead... offical corriners report determined it had run out of gas/petrol.

2. Michelangelo painting the dome of St Peters in rome, he hears a noise so looking down he sees a little old Italian nun praying in one of the pews, deciding to have some fun, micky leaning over the side of the scafolding says "this is jesus speaking, what do you want?" The nun does not flinch, and continues in prayer. So micky a little louders says "this is Jesus speaking, what do you want?" Still the nun remains quiet and uninterupted, thinking the old nun maybe a little deaf Micky shouts "THIS IS JESUS SPEAKING, WHAT DO YOU WANT"

At this the nun Jumps up and slams her bible on the floor waving her arms wildly in a rage and in a typical Italian way she snarls "Ah will you shut yer face, I am talking to your mamma"

3. Jesus and the Devil are having an argument one day. Jesus says, "hey satan, are you going to do anything about this hole in the fence, all the sinners are getting into heaven" The Devil says, "looky here, your the son of God, why dont you fix it" Jesus replys "but the fence is your responsibility since you are the cause of sinful mankind" Satan snarls back "But it was you who kicked me out of heaven, you are the one who built the fence, its your responsibility"

Jesus says "Ah right, you want to play tough do ya, I will see you in court Mr"

The Devil laughes "oh really and where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?"

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#12316 - 10/07/08 01:10 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Asmedious Moderator Offline
Moderator
senior member


Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 1724
Loc: New York
I might have heard this one here, so sorry if I'm plagarizing one of you guys, but non the less it's a good one.

"A priest and rabi are walking down the road when they see a little boy. The priest says to the rabi, 'hey let's go and screw that boy,' the rabi replies 'Ah, screw him out of what?'
_________________________
"The first order of government is the protection of its citizens right to be left alone."

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#12328 - 10/07/08 07:11 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Asmedious]
lux Offline
Banned
pledge


Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: Newcastle UK
A Catholic priest and a rabbi sitting talking, the priest asks "is there anything you would like to know" the rabbi says, "Whats a bacon sandwich like?" the priest licking his lips replys, oh its relly nice, words cant describe it, you have never experienced anything like it. The Rabbi hung his head " I sure would like to try one of those, is there anything you would like to ask" he asked the priest.

"yes" said the priest "what is sex like"

"A long way better than your bacon sandwich" replied the rabbi.

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#12329 - 10/07/08 07:29 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
How could the Puerto Rican woman tell that her daughter was on her period?

She could taste the blood on her son's cock.



Why are Mexicans so fast?

They dodged coathangers for their first 9 months.
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#12341 - 10/08/08 12:28 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
fakepropht Moderator Offline
Big Slick
active member


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 990
Loc: Texas
Why does Jesus hate M&Ms? They fall through the holes in his hands.
_________________________
Beer, the reason I get up every afternoon.

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#12343 - 10/08/08 12:40 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
blsk Offline
member


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 298
Loc: salem or
Lux this one is for you.
So Adam is in the garden of eden and god realises that adam, having named the animals and all realises that he is getting bored. So god says to adam, "Adam, I am going to make you a companion. She will be your best friend and confidant. She will be there for you allways. To make you happy, laugh, smile. She will be your perfect match." So Adam is ecstatic. The god says, "But there is only one catch..." Adam says"yes god? What is the catch?" God says"It's going to cost you an arm and a leg." Adam, after thinking for a while says"Well...what can I get for a rib?"

Q: What's small, screaming, and can't turn corners?
A: A baby with a spear through it!

Q: What's funnier that a dead baby?
A: A dead baby dressed like a clown!

Q: How does an ethiopian woman know when she's pregnant?
A: When she pulls out her tampon and it's half eaten!

Good shit, huh?
_________________________
Ed made mens sewing cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9mhsW5aWJM

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#12347 - 10/08/08 01:14 AM Re: Jokes [Re: blsk]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
Although I laughed at the dead baby jokes, I still get somewhat disappointed when I read/hear them.

Anyway, this is a joke thread, so I ought to contribute;

The Catholic priest Father James was told he was to do confessions one Sunday, due to Father William being taken ill. And so, he sits in the confession box, and the first confessor comes in. A man in his 40's
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
"What is your sin my brother?"
"I have given into lust and committed adultery against my wife"
"That is most unfortunate. Hail Mary 10 times, and I shall see to it that our lord will forgive thee"
The Hail Mary's commence, and he is forgiven by the priest. A few confessions later, and a woman steps into the box.
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned"
"What is your sin my dear?"
"I have committed adultery and given a man a blowjob"
At this point, Father James is confused as to what to tell her. He remembers that one of the choir boys, John, was still in the church. He peeks his head out of the box for a moment and asks;
"John, what does Father William give for a blowjob?"
John replies "Two Mars bars and a packet of crisps"
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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#12357 - 10/08/08 07:28 AM Re: Jokes [Re: DistroyA]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
How do you castrate the Pope?

Kick the altar boy in the chin!
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#12381 - 10/08/08 07:14 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
Fist Moderator Offline
veteran member


Registered: 08/31/07
Posts: 1453
Loc: B'mo Cautious MF
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi are on the deck of the Titanic. The ship starts going down and people are scrambling for the life boats.

The rabbi is pleading "The children first! The children first!"

The lawyer shouts "Fuck the children! Fuck the children!"

And priest asks "Hey, do you think we have time?"
_________________________
I am the Devil and I am here to do the Devil's work.

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#12490 - 10/11/08 12:00 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Fist]
PigFeeder Offline
member


Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 294
Loc: Near Montreal, QC
A teenage girl goes up to her father and says:

Girl: Daddy can you buy me these new jeans? I REALLY want them.

Father: WEll.. I don't know, how much are they?

Girl: There 80$

Father: What!? No way that's way too much, sorry.

Girl: Oh please daddy! Everyone in school is getting them, and I really want them, please?

Father: Oh.. Alright, but you have to do me a favor. You have to give me a blowjob.

Girl: Ew no way! That's incest!

The girl storms away, but she returns a little while later.

Girl: Fine, I'll do it.

So the father takes her into his bedroom and he pulls down his pants.

Girl: Ew why is your dick all full of shit?!

Father: Oh.. Your brother just borrowed the car.

--------
Much funnier in real life, but you get the point.


~Snow~.
_________________________
For all murderers, I am the leader.
Forever, Rob, The 49 PigFeeder.
NecroMantic Sin.

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#13373 - 10/24/08 02:02 AM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Yaksha Offline
stranger


Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Los Angeles,Ca
1.An elderly couple are laying in bed. Wife gets up and stands in front of a full body mirror naked. She goes "honey I'm fat,ugly, my skin is saggy FUCK! quick give me a compliment" Husbands says "well you have perfect eye sight"

2.How do you keep black people from getting into your back yard?
Hang one in the front.

3.How do you make a mexican fortune cookie?
A taco shell and a food stamp.

4.What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family.

5.What's long,black,and smells like shit?
The unemployment line.

6.What do you call a black man with a peg leg?
Shit on a stick.

7.What's the most confusing day of the year in oakland?
Fathers day.

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#13403 - 10/24/08 04:54 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Yaksha]
blsk Offline
member


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 298
Loc: salem or
Q: What's black, white, and rolls off the end of a pier?
A: A nigger and a seagull fighting over a chicken wing.

Q: What do you call 5 black guys hanging from a tree?
A: A Mississippi wind chime.
_________________________
Ed made mens sewing cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9mhsW5aWJM

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#13471 - 10/26/08 11:49 AM Re: Jokes [Re: blsk]
Ringmaster Offline
member


Registered: 04/07/08
Posts: 205
Loc: Salem Oregon
Three people walk into a bar, a priest, a pervert, and a pedophile, then the other two guys walk in.
_________________________
Get off the cross and save yourself, I feel no pity for the cries of a weak man.

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#13478 - 10/26/08 04:01 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Ringmaster]
blsk Offline
member


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 298
Loc: salem or
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar......hey, it could happen!
_________________________
Ed made mens sewing cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9mhsW5aWJM

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#15238 - 12/01/08 09:51 AM Re: Jokes [Re: blsk]
Picunnus Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 101
Loc: Ohio, USA
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,
the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority,
lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity,
truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked
his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
_________________________
WWAD?

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#15249 - 12/01/08 11:44 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
Dan_Dread Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 3810
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
That isn't a joke, its a parable.

THIS is a joke.


Why don't black people and indians have children?

Because you end up with kids that are too lazy to steal.
_________________________
ADM
ideological vandal

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#15253 - 12/01/08 12:05 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Dan_Dread]
Picunnus Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 101
Loc: Ohio, USA
Yeah, okay. A joke:

What's the difference between a nigger and a picnic table?

A picnic table can support a family of eight.
_________________________
WWAD?

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#15254 - 12/01/08 12:19 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
6Satan6Archist6 Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2509
Q:What do you throw a drowning nazi?

A: His wife and kids

Q: What is the difference between Sarah Palins Mouth and her cunt?

A: Only one retarded thing has come out of her cunt.
_________________________
No gods. No masters.

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#15301 - 12/01/08 09:16 PM Re: Jokes [Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
Phaethon Offline
pledge


Registered: 08/01/08
Posts: 78
 Originally Posted By: 6Satan6Archist6

Q: What is the difference between Sarah Palins Mouth and her cunt?

A: Only one retarded thing has come out of her cunt.

I actually heard that on 4chan once..

I laughed so hard I cried
_________________________
My God & I are one & the same,
We have the same face we have the same name.

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#15304 - 12/01/08 10:36 PM Re: Jokes [Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
blsk Offline
member


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 298
Loc: salem or
Okay, when I read that I fucking died. That is sooo wrong I had to laugh to be comfortable with what I had just read. Bravo, that was good. LOL
_________________________
Ed made mens sewing cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9mhsW5aWJM

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#15449 - 12/03/08 11:22 PM Re: Jokes [Re: blsk]
Chelsea_Grin Offline
pledge


Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 54
Loc: Atlanta, GA
Dr. Dave is sitting in his surgery after hours one night thinking about his encounter with a patient the week before. He pictures an angel on his right shoulder and a devil on his left as he looks in the mirror, the devil is saying "Dave mate, don’t worry about it you wont be the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you certainly wont be the last" then the angel pipes up " for fuck sake Dave, you're a vet!!!"
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#15481 - 12/04/08 12:09 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Chelsea_Grin]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
A woman goes into a bar. It was quiet and the bar was empty, so she sat on a stool and ordered a Budweiser. The bartender gave her the beer, she took one drink and passed out cold.

The bartender was worried. She might be hurt. She might sue him. He thought that he had better make her comfortable on the sofa in the back and then call 911. He took her to the sofa and she looked soooooo good that he just couldn't help himself. He did her. Moments later, she woke up, straightened up and walked out of the bar.

The next day, he was telling his friend about it and she walked in again, sat at the bar and said, "I'll have a Budweiser." Same drink, same effect. She hit the floor and both the bartender and his friend took her to the couch and had their way with her. Moments later, she woke up, straightened up and walked out of the bar.

The next day, the bar was full. It got deathly quiet as she made her order, and when she passed out, they lined up next to the sofa. Moments later, she woke up, straightened up and walked out of the bar.

The next day, the bar was full, there was a line around the block, cops were doing traffic control and the Channel 7 Eyewitness News helicopter was circling the area. She walked in and sat at the bar. "I'll have a Coors light," she said.

The bartender said, "I thought you liked Budweiser."

She said, "I do, but Budweiser makes my pussy sore."
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#15559 - 12/05/08 09:16 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
Q.How did Jesus REALLY die?
A. He got hit by a boat walking to work.
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#15571 - 12/06/08 01:09 AM Re: Jokes [Re: spiderbreeder]
Dherrick Offline
stranger


Registered: 11/01/08
Posts: 8
Thats rediculous.
I gotta remember that one.
Sorry I don't have any to add.
_________________________
All lies are true.
All words are false.

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#15616 - 12/06/08 12:56 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Dherrick]
Anthony West Offline
stranger


Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 43
Loc: Germany
Dude, that one was awesome.

Here's one:

Q: What's long and hard on a 14-year old nigger boy?

A: 2nd grade.
_________________________
There can be but little liberty on earth while men worship a tyrant in heaven
-Robert Green Ingersoll

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#15618 - 12/06/08 01:55 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Anthony West]
ta2zz Offline
veteran member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 1552
Loc: Connecticut

I have a joke... A Christian comes into a Satanic forum and starts a joke thread...

Oh wait...

\:\)
_________________________
We are the music makers, And we are the dreamers of dreams. ~Arthur William Edgar O'Shaughnessy

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#15619 - 12/06/08 01:59 PM Re: Jokes [Re: ta2zz]
Anthony West Offline
stranger


Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 43
Loc: Germany
Here's another racist joke.

Q: How long does it take for a black woman to take out the trash?

A: 9 months
_________________________
There can be but little liberty on earth while men worship a tyrant in heaven
-Robert Green Ingersoll

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#15643 - 12/06/08 09:15 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Anthony West]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
Q. Did you hear about the guy with five dicks?
A. His undies fit him like a glove.

and just one more....

Q. What's the definition of total innocence?
A. A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#15645 - 12/06/08 10:14 PM Re: Jokes [Re: spiderbreeder]
Dan_Dread Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 3810
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
If ww2 was an online game:

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*
_________________________
ADM
ideological vandal

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#15955 - 12/11/08 09:50 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Dan_Dread]
Fabiano Offline
member


Registered: 09/06/08
Posts: 374
The CICADA and the ANT

ENGLISH VERSION
The ant works hard all summer long in the heat wave. It builds its house and prepares its provisions for the winter.
The cicada thinks that the ant is stupid; it laughs, dances and plays all the summer. When the winter came, the ant is in the heat and is well nourished.
The cicada trembling of cold has neither food nor shelter has and dies of cold.

> > > END

FRENCH VERSION
The ant works hard all the summer in the heat wave. It builds its house and prepares its provisions for the winter. The cicada thinks that the ant is stupid; it laughs, dances and plays all the summer.
When the winter came, the ant is in the heat and is well nourished. The cicada trembling of cold organizes a press conference and asks why the ant has the right to be in the heat and nourished well while the others, less lucky like it, are cold and hunger. Television organizes emissions on line which show the cicada trembling of cold and passes video extracts of the ant well in the heat in its comfortable house with a table full with provisions.
The French's are surprised that, in a so rich country, one lets suffer this poor cicada while others live in abundance. Associations against poverty express in front of the house of the ant. The journalists organize interviews asking why the ant became rich on the back of the cicada and challenge the government to increase the taxes of the ant so it pays “its just part".
In answer to the surveys, the government writes a law on economic equality and a law (retroactive since the summer) about anti-discrimination.
The taxes of the ant are increased and the ant receives also a fine for not to having engaged the cicada as an assistant. The house of the ant is preempted by the authorities because the ant doesn't have enough money to pay its fine and its taxes.
The ant leaves France and installs successfully in Switzerland.
Television makes a report on the now fattened cicada. It is finishing the last provisions of the ant although spring is still far. The old house of the ant, turned into social housing for the cicada, worsens because the latter didn’t do anything for maintaining it.
Reproaches are made with the government for the lack of means. An investigation commission is set up, which will cost 10 millions euros.
The cicada dies of an overdose.
“Liberation” and “L' Humanité” comment the failure of the government to rectify the problem of the social inequalities seriously.
The house is squatted by a gang of immigrant spiders. The government is pleased with the multicultural diversity of France.
The spiders organize traffic of marijuana and terrorize the community.

> > > END

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#15957 - 12/11/08 10:11 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Fabiano]
Fabiano Offline
member


Registered: 09/06/08
Posts: 374
This is NOT a joke. It's a true story !

The Balloon Priest
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin



(20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean, Brazil) In 1982 Lawn Chair Larry, beloved survivor of a Darwin-worthy attempt, attached 45 helium weather balloons to his comfortable Sears lawn chair, packed a picnic and a , and cut the tether. But instead of drifting lazily above the Los Angeles landscape, the combined lift of 45 huge helium balloons rocketed Larry into LAX air traffic lanes 16,000 feet above sea level. Astoundingly, he survived the "flight."
In homage to Larry's aerial adventure, a Catholic priest recently ascended towards heaven on a host of helium party balloons. Adelir Antonio de Carli, 41, was attempting to set the world record for clustered balloon flight to publicize his plan to build a spiritual rest stop for truckers.

Sitting for more than 19 hours in a lawn chair is not a trivial matter, even in the comfort of your own backyard. The priest took numerous safety precautions, including wearing a survival suit, selecting a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and a GPS. However, the late Adelir Antonio made a fatal mistake.

He did not know how to use the GPS.

The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land, but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he prudently phoned for help. But rescuers were unable to reach him since he could not use his GPS! HE struggled with the control panel as the charge on the satellite phone dwindled.

Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided him straight to heaven. Bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches. Ultimately the priest's body surfaced, confirming that he, like Elvis, had left the building.

The kicker? It's a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy. Since they voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool, the entire group earns a mass Darwin Award. Adelir Antonio wins twice over!

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#18540 - 01/21/09 12:12 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
Ringmaster Offline
member


Registered: 04/07/08
Posts: 205
Loc: Salem Oregon
A plane is about to crash, the pilots are trying to maintain speed and altitude so they call over the PA "We need to try to maintain our hieght and speed so we need you all to throw your luggage out the windows so the aircraft can lose unneeded weight."

This doesn't work so the pilots come over the intercom again "I'm sorry to say this we are going to have to lose some passengers to lighten the aircraft we will go in alphabetical order starting with the letter A. Africans are there any Africans?" Silence. "B. Are there any blacks on the plane?" Silence yet again. "Ok C. Are there any colored people?" Still silence.

A little black boy turns to his mom in the back and asks "But mom aren't we Africans, aren't we black, and aren't we colored?" The mother replies "yes son but today we are niggers and the mexicans jump first." The little boy starts laughing at the mexican.

The mexican turns to the black boy "fuck you nigger I'm mot a mexican today I'm a wetback."
_________________________
Get off the cross and save yourself, I feel no pity for the cries of a weak man.

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#18627 - 01/22/09 07:41 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Ringmaster]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
Man walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of bourbon straight up. The bartender placed 10 glasses in front of the man, each filled with bourbon, and the man chugged them down, one after another.

The bartender asked, "You must be celebrating something!"
"Yeah," said the man, "My first blow job."

The bartender smiled and said, "Well I think that calls for another drink!"

The man looked up at the bartender and said, "No thanks. If 10 shots of bourbon didn't get rid of the taste, eleven ain't gonna to it."
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#18631 - 01/22/09 08:50 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
LOL! That one was an oldie, but a goodie.

I got another one.

A guy goes in to see his doctor because his dick had turned orange.

The doctor asks him, "What have been your habits the past few months?"

The man says, "Well, I lost my job, so mostly I've been sitting on the couch watching porn and eating Cheetos".
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#18638 - 01/22/09 11:30 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
fakepropht Moderator Offline
Big Slick
active member


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 990
Loc: Texas
Hey! How did you get access to my medical records?
_________________________
Beer, the reason I get up every afternoon.

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#18644 - 01/23/09 01:28 AM Re: Jokes [Re: fakepropht]
Disabuse Offline
member


Registered: 09/19/07
Posts: 220
Not sure if this one was posted yet, but I like this one.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Dad, whats the difference between reality and theory?"

The father responds "Well, I could just tell you, but you might understand it better if we demonstrate the difference. Go ask your mom if paid $500,000, would she sleep with the mailman?"

The son goes and asks his mom that question and says "Hell yes I would!"

The son returns to his father and says "Dad, she said hell yes she would!"

The father says "Okay, now go ask your sister if paid $500,000, would she sleep with her principle."

The son goes and asks the question and she answers "Hell yes I would!"

The son returns to his father and says "Dad, she said hell yes she would!"

The father responds "You see son, in theory we're millionaires, but in reality with live with a bunch of whores"
_________________________
-Disabuse Conformity-
"Cu è surdu, orbu e taci, campa cent'anni 'mpaci."

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#18651 - 01/23/09 11:53 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Disabuse]
6Satan6Archist6 Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2509
Q: What is the opposite of Christopher Walken?

A: Christopher Reeves


Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

A: Acned doesn't come on your face until you are 13


Q: What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

A: Their last big hit was the wall.


Q: Why don't lesbians have sex in the morning?

A: Have you ever tried to peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwhich


Q: What do you call the useless skin around the vagina?

A: The woman


Q: What do tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing, you already told her twice.


Q:Why did the woman cross the road?

A: That's not the point. Why did she leave the kitchen? Furthermore, who gave her the fucking shoes?


Q: Why do women get bloating and cramps once a month?

A: Because they fucking deserve it!

Q: What is blue and yellow and sits on the bottom of a pool?

A: A baby with its floaties slashed.


Q: What is red and yellow and floats at the top of a pool?

A: Floaties with its baby slashed.


Q: What is the best pick up line in the world?

A: Excuse me; does this smell like chloroform to you
_________________________
No gods. No masters.

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#18664 - 01/23/09 04:59 PM Re: Jokes [Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
ceruleansteel Offline
active member


Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 784
Loc: Behind you
Q. How can you tell when a man is happy?

A. Who cares?

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#18670 - 01/23/09 06:17 PM Re: Jokes [Re: ceruleansteel]
The Zebu Offline
senior member


Registered: 08/08/08
Posts: 1640
Loc: Orlando, FL
oh come on, silly woman, you can do better than that.


Why don't women wear watches?
- Because there's a clock in the kitchen


and... (found this one on the internet)


Why were hurricanes always named after women?
-Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.


Edited by The Zebu (01/23/09 06:19 PM)
_________________________
«Recibe, ¡oh Lucifer! la sangre de esta víctima que sacrifico en tu honor.»

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#18698 - 01/23/09 09:57 PM Re: Jokes [Re: The Zebu]
ceruleansteel Offline
active member


Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 784
Loc: Behind you
John (now Jean) is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful women.

His old friend Pete sees him and says, "John, you look great...you're beautiful!"

John says, "Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt."

Pete says, "When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?"

John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."

Pete says, "When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?"

John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."

Pete says, "Then what did hurt?"

John says, "When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked out half my brain."

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#18711 - 01/24/09 01:43 AM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Asmedious Moderator Offline
Moderator
senior member


Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 1724
Loc: New York
Just heard this one at work.

A husband finds, that his wife has gotten a Tattoo of a seashell on her pussy.

"Jesus Christ, what the hell did you do that for?" He asks.

"Oh, stop complaining, if you put your face to it, real close, you can smell the ocean."
_________________________
"The first order of government is the protection of its citizens right to be left alone."

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#18713 - 01/24/09 02:04 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Asmedious]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
A man came across a woman on the beach, crying, She had no arms or legs, and he felt sorry for her, so he asked, "Excuse me, but why are you crying?"

"Oh," she said, "I'm so sad because I've never been hugged."
"I'll hug you," he said. And he hugged her close, but she still kept crying.

"Why are you still crying," he asked.
"Oh," she said, "I'm so sad because I've never been kissed."
"I'll kiss you," he said. And he kissed her deeply, but she still kept crying.

"Why are you still crying," he asked.
"Oh," she said, "I'm so sad because I've never been fucked."
With that he picked her up and with all of his might, he threw her as far out into the water as he could. Soon, he saw her struggling, because with no arms or legs, she was sure to drown, and he yelled, "You're fucked now, aren't you?"
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#18714 - 01/24/09 02:13 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Asmedious]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
A guy walks into a bar, and orders a shot of whiskey.

He knocks it back in a flash, looks in his top pocket,then orders another one.

Repeat performance.. Knocks it back, looks in his top pocket, then orders another one.

The bartender lets this ride for a little while without questioning this rather strange behavior, but after the 10th shot of whiskey/pocket peep in a row, his curiosity finally got the better of him...

"Hey mate, hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you keep looking in your top pocket after you've knocked your shot back?"


The guy sighed, had another shot, looked in his pocket and replied "Oh that.. there's a picture of my missus in there- once she starts to look good, I'll go home."
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#19573 - 02/03/09 04:57 AM Re: Jokes [Re: spiderbreeder]
Fallon Offline
stranger


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 13
Loc: UK, Swindon
Why did the baby fall out of the tree?

.........................

CoS it was dead.

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#19610 - 02/04/09 12:33 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Fallon]
daevid777 Offline
active member


Registered: 08/30/07
Posts: 951
Loc: Hell's Pisshole, Texas
Here's my "Laffy Taffy" favorite... and a change of pace,

Q: Why did the Cowboy buy a Daschund?

A: Because someone told him to "Get a long, little doggie".

\:D
_________________________
Where we're going, we don't need roads.

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#19627 - 02/04/09 06:36 AM Re: Jokes [Re: daevid777]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
Q. What did the deaf girl do when she fell down a well?

A. She screamed her hands off.
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#21078 - 02/24/09 07:05 AM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Fallon Offline
stranger


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 13
Loc: UK, Swindon
Whats long, hard and fucks a women? An IQ test
------------------------------------
How do you stop your girlfriend from sucking you off? Marry Her!
----------------------------------------------------------------
What paralyzies a women from her chest to her feet? Marriage
----------------------------------------------------------------

I mean no offensive to the women/girls on here

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#21980 - 03/13/09 07:38 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2515
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
Very amusing thread; thanks everybody. Whenever I visit Vegas, I always ask the cab driver from the airport for the best joke he's heard recently. From my last trip:

A man, recently arrived in town, wishes to join the local church. "Ours is a very moral church," says the pastor, "so we have a test for every applicant - to abstain from sex with your wife for the next three weeks. Come back and see me then."

Three weeks later they meet again, and the pastor enquires, "Well, how did you do?"

"The first week was easy. The second week was more difficult, but I got through it O.K. The third week ... Well, I'm sorry ... My wife dropped a can of beans on the floor, and when she bent over to pick it up, I just couldn't stand it and let her have it right then."

"Then I'm afraid," said the pastor sternly, "that you won't be able to join our church."

"I kind of figured that," said the man sadly. "They won't let me back in that Safeway again either."

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#21982 - 03/13/09 08:24 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
Mwhahahahahahaaaa! That's a great one! Keep 'em coming everyone.
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#21984 - 03/13/09 09:29 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#21985 - 03/13/09 09:34 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
A tourist is in a bar in Australia drinking a brew when a crocodile hunter came in the door with a huge crocodile and ordered a beer. He then dropped his pants and the crock bit down hard on his cock. The crock hunter skull- fucked the crock, and in a couple of minutes, he came hard, broke the neck off the bottle of beer and jammed it in the crock's eye. The crocodile screamed loudly and scampered out the door while the crock hunter chugged the beer and bellowed, "OK! Any of you faggots in her think you can do that?"

The tourist raised his hand and said, "I'd like to try, but I'd rather that you didn't shove your beer bottle in my eye when you're done!"
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#21998 - 03/14/09 03:59 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
A Dyslexic bank-robber entered a bank, fired a warning shot into the ceiling, and screamed;

"AIR IN THE HANDS MUTHASTICKERS THIS IS A FUCKUP"!
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#22003 - 03/14/09 06:34 AM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Dimitri Offline
stalker


Registered: 07/13/08
Posts: 3112


Edited by Dimitri (03/14/09 06:36 AM)
_________________________
Ut vivat, crescat et floreat

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#24349 - 05/09/09 06:24 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Dimitri]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
A husband and wife are driving home in silence after having a fight.

They pass a farm of cows and pigs, and the wife says sarcastically, "They relatives of yours?"

"Yes", the husband replies, "Fucking IN-LAWS!"
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#24853 - 05/21/09 07:09 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#24855 - 05/21/09 09:26 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
Q. Did you hear about the Irish guy that raped a cabbage?

A. He thought it was a Collie. (Hi Cody!)

And just one more...

Q. What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

A. One snatches watches, and the other watches snatches.
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#24856 - 05/21/09 09:38 AM Re: Jokes [Re: spiderbreeder]
Dan_Dread Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 3810
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
-What did the mexican say when two houses fell on him?

-Get off me, homes!

-------------

What do you call a 4 foot mexican?

A paragraph, because he is too short to be an essay.

-------------


-How was it known that princess di had dandruff?

-because they found her head and shoulders in the glove box....
_________________________
ADM
ideological vandal

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#24857 - 05/21/09 09:49 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Dan_Dread]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
-Why did the retarded girl's dog commit suicide?

-Well, wouldn't you if your name was AAAAAAGGGHHHHTHHhhh....?


And everyone's gotta have heard about the Irish tap-dancer who broke his ankle falling into the sink...
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#24858 - 05/21/09 10:10 AM Re: Jokes [Re: spiderbreeder]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
A farmer takes his friend to see his fields. There were acres and acres of perfectly plowed fields, but in the center there were two uncultivated spots one had a tree, and one was just a grassy area. The friend asked the farmer why they weren't plowed.

"Sentimental reasons," said the farmer. "The spot with the tree is where I made love the first time. The grassy spot is where her mother stood."

The friend was flabberghasted. "You did her in front of her mother? What did her mother say?"

"Moooooooooooooooooooo!"
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#24859 - 05/21/09 11:46 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
love.light.peace Offline
Trolling Hippy
stranger


Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 22
A small child and a paedophile were walking through a tall, dark pine forest. The child turns to the paedophile and says "I'm scared."
The paedophile responds; "You're scared? I gotta walk out of this place all by myself!"
_________________________
Looking for a ban

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#24896 - 05/22/09 09:39 AM Re: Jokes [Re: love.light.peace]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
Willie Nelson was hit by a car last Tuesday.

He was playing On The Road Again.

------------------------

-What do you call a dude with a rabbit up his ass?

-Warren.

------------------------

And lastly....

-What did Stevie Wonder say when someone handed him a cheese-grater?

-"That's the most violent book I've ever read!"
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#24907 - 05/22/09 01:22 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Tranceparent Sky Offline
stranger


Registered: 05/02/09
Posts: 31
Three men are at the gates of heaven, waiting to be judged: A black man, a jew, and a gay guy. God walks out and says:

"Well, I can't really let you three in."

"Yo man, why not?" Axed the black man.

"Because you can't resist stealing." Replies God.

"What have I done wrong?" Asks the jew.

"You can't resist money and greed"

"Aww, why nooooooot?!" Whines the gay guy....God doesn't respond.



God thinks for a minute than says "You have each given into your natural temptations too many times, however, I'll let you live on earth for 12 more hours and if you resist all temptation, I'll let you in. If not, then you go to Hell."

So the black guy is back on earth, walking down the street when he sees a Cadillac convertable with the top down and keys in the ignition. He looks around, jumps in the car, turns the ignition BAM! he goes to Hell.

The Jew and gay guy are walking down another street when the jew sees a quarter on the ground. He bends over to pick it up. They both go to Hell.
_________________________
~Satanism~
The cream cheese to my atheistic bagel.

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#25095 - 05/28/09 06:14 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Meq Offline
Banned
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 861
One morning god says to Noah, "Thou shalt build me an ark, and shall put a couple - a male and a female - of all species on Earth, inside the ark. I will wash the sin away from Earth."

So Noah hired a few illegal immigrants to do the work for peanuts, and the ark was built in no time at all. Then Noah gathered all animals of both sexes as god had commanded.

Finally, he raised up his hands in the air, called for god and said, "My Lord, I have done as you commanded."

The voice of god was heard:
"Noah, you asshole, can you explain to me what is happening inside the ark?"

So Noah got to the ark, and what was happening? All the animals were swinging. The kangaroo was fucking the zebra, the monkey was fucking the lioness, the cheetah was banging the rhino, and so on.

Noah said: "Come on guys, at least you could do like the horse and wear a condom."

The horse replied:
"That's not a condom. It's the snake giving me a blowjob."

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#25145 - 05/30/09 02:02 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Anthony West]
Nightmare Offline
pledge


Registered: 04/06/09
Posts: 58
Loc: San Antonio TX
ok I have alot of dead baby jokes for you and a few others

Q: What is the difference in 1000 dead babys and a Ferrari?
A: I dont have a ferrari in my garage

Q: What is the difference in a truck load of bowling balls and a truck load of dead babys?
A: You cant unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork

Q: How do you stop a baby from going down a manhole?
A: Throw a javlin at it

Q: How do you save a baby form drowning?
A: Take your boot off its head

Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?
A: After your done with it the first time wipe your bloody dick on its teddy bear

Q: What round and round and scratches at the door?
A: A baby in a microwave

Q: How many dead babys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Depends on how high the lightbulb is.

Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to scew in a lightbulb?
A: I dont know, wanna go ride bikes?

Q: Are there any niggers in your family tree?
(most people say no)
A: Too bad I have two haning in mine

Q: Whats black and blue all over?
A: My wife!
_________________________
So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean,
If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be

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#25218 - 06/01/09 03:16 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nightmare]
Saligia Offline
stranger


Registered: 05/03/09
Posts: 37
Loc: Manchester, England
Q: How can you tell when an Irishman is planning for the future?
A: He's bought two pints.

Abdul was working as a decorator, painting a house white. As he's painting he accidentally knocks the paint can off a shelf and is covered from head to toe in white paint. Cursing, he heads off home to change. On the way home he passes his best friend Rashid who points and yells, "Ha! unlucky Abdul! You're a white man now!" Abdul ignores him and continues on his way home. He passes his father on his route home and his father sees him and yells "Ha! Look at you Abdul! You're a white man!" Again Abdul ignores this and continues home. When he get's home, his wife looks at him and yells, "Ha! How long have you been a white man Abdul?"
Abdul loses his temper and yells, "I've been a white man for 10 fucking minutes and I already hate you Pakis!"

A man with a 25 inch penis goes to see a shaman as his penis is just too big to work with. Once he explains his problem to the shaman, the old witch doctor tells him, "go out into the swamp and look for the magical toad that lives there, ask the toad to marry you and the toad will say no, when it does this your penis will shrink 5 inches."
So the man goes to the swamp, finds the magical toad and asks it to marry him. Sure enough the toad says no and the man's penis shrinks 5 inches. The man decides that 20 inches is still too big and asks again. The toad says no and the man's penis shrinks to 15 inches. The man decides that 15 inches is still a little too much and that 10 inches would be a perfect size, and so he asks the toad to marry him again.
At this the toad loses it's temper and screams, "Look, I already told you, no, no, NO!"


Edited by Saligia (06/01/09 03:17 PM)
Edit Reason: Typo

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#25230 - 06/02/09 12:33 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Saligia]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
Thankyou for placing your order with our online sex-shop.

You selected the "large red vibrator" as featured on our wall display.

Please re-select as that's the Fire Extinguisher.
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#25255 - 06/03/09 12:09 AM Re: Jokes [Re: spiderbreeder]
NDawg Offline
stranger


Registered: 04/05/09
Posts: 30
Loc: Da South
Okay, Okay, I got one.

There's this burger shop. One day a guy walks in with an ostrich behind him. He sits down and the waitress comes over and asks him what he'll have. He says he wants a burger, fries, and a coke. The ostrich says I'll have the same. She brings the food and he pays in exact change. The waitress is confused, but doesn't say anything. This goes on for about a week. Finally, the guy walks in again, orders a burger, fries, and a coke. The ostrich said I'll have the same. He pays with exact change, just like every other day. The waitress finally can't contain her curiosity.

"I hate to bother you sir, but, what's with the ostrich?"

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, I was walking down the beach one day and I happened upon a genie in a bottle. I freed him and he said he'd grant me two wishes. My first wish was wealth. I wished that, no matter what I wanted to buy, the exact amount would be in my pocket."

"That's pretty smart," the waitress replied, "That way you never have to worry about money. What was the other wish?"

The guy sighs and says, "My other wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agreed with everything I said."

Alright I got one more. Heard this one off a DZK song.

This dude walks in to a bar and looks around. He notices there are nothing but guys in the bar. He goes up to the bartender, orders a beer, leans across the bar and asks, "Excuse me sir, is this a gay bar?"

The bartender gives him a funny look and says, "Why, no son. You're in texas. Matter o' fact, you just missed Little Wayne openin' up for Bubba Sparks."

Here's another. (Not tryin to be racist, just thought this'un was pretty funny.)

Why is there cotton in the top of pill bottles?

To remind black ppl they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
_________________________
I live to be proved wrong. Help expunge my ignorance.

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#25260 - 06/03/09 12:49 AM Re: Jokes [Re: NDawg]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
-What do you get when you cross a Negro with an Octopus?

-It ain't much to look at , but goddamn it can pick cotton!
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#25327 - 06/04/09 04:23 PM Re: Jokes [Re: spiderbreeder]
Nightmare Offline
pledge


Registered: 04/06/09
Posts: 58
Loc: San Antonio TX
Ok here are some racist jokes but understand I mean no offense to anyone...

Q: What do you call 200 blacks swimming in the ocean?
A: Oil spill

Q: What do you call 200 whites running down a hill?
A: Avalanche

Q: What do you call 20 white guys chasing one black guy?
A: The PGA tour
_________________________
So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean,
If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be

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#25330 - 06/04/09 05:10 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nightmare]
6Satan6Archist6 Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2509
HA, I have heard the first two before but that last one was new to me. So very funny because it is so very true. I have recently taken a liking to telling people how much I enjoy having Tiger Woods for a President. \:D Some of the looks I get are priceless.
_________________________
No gods. No masters.

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#25584 - 06/11/09 04:18 PM Re: Jokes [Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
6Satan6Archist6 Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2509
Some of you might have heard this one before, but it is good one:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
_________________________
No gods. No masters.

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#26309 - 06/26/09 05:01 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
Maxim D Offline
stranger


Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 20
Loc: Portland, Oregon, United State...
Q: Do dyslexic atheists believe in a dog?
A: On.

So a baby seal walks into a club...

Q: How many people with tourette's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: FUCK LIGHTBULBS!

Q: A gay couple and a lesbian couple are driving from Los Angeles to San Francisco. Which couple gets there first?
A: Well the lesbians were there lickety-split, but the gays still had to pack their shit.

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: That's not funny.
_________________________
The leaders of institutionalized religion should be institutionalized....

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#26411 - 06/29/09 02:06 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Maxim D]
6Satan6Archist6 Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2509
This is not really a joke, more of a parody of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" but still funny:

Once upon a midnight dreary, where I porn surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious porn-site of 'hot XXX galore'. While I cliked my fav'rite bookmark, there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour. "Tis not possible!", I muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!" Quoth the server, 404
_________________________
No gods. No masters.

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#26454 - 06/30/09 07:41 AM Re: Jokes [Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
Jester Offline
pledge


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 62
Loc: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Armstrong was the first man to WALK ON THE MOON and Michael Jackson fucks little boys.

Have you heard about Michael Jacksons toaster? It's the only one where the bread goes in brown and comes out white.

\:\) \:\)
_________________________
"...And I thought my jokes were bad."

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#26460 - 06/30/09 09:43 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jester]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
Ok, now you've started it....


Michael Jackson didn't really die of a heart attack.

He drowned while he was blowing Bubbles...

...................

He's not really dead either.

He's in the Royal Children's Hospital having a stroke.
...................
And an old fave of mine while he was still dancing....

-What is the difference between Micheal Jackson and a plastic bag?

-One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children, and the other one is a plastic bag.
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#26875 - 07/06/09 11:58 AM Re: Jokes [Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
Meq Offline
Banned
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 861
One day, a Communist happened upon a magic lamp.

On touching the lamp, a genie appeared, and said, "I can grant you anything you desire. There is only one catch."

"What is that?" the Communist replied.

"For everything I give you, I must give your neighbor double."

"In that case," said the Communist, "Take out one of my eyes."

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#26895 - 07/06/09 11:30 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Meq]
Jester Offline
pledge


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 62
Loc: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
3 explorers were looking in the forest when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 bannanas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound.
So the 1st guy gets 2 bannanas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the indians killed him too.
Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says 'Hey dude why did you laugh you could've gone back and told out families what had happened'.
The 2nd explorer replies, 'Sorry I just couldn't stop when I saw fred comin down the hill with 10 pinneapples.
_________________________
"...And I thought my jokes were bad."

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#26937 - 07/08/09 12:57 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
Emily Offline
stranger


Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 23
Loc: north wales, U.K
Q. how do you make a maltese cross?
A. kick him in the balls and that should do it

three nuns die and go to heaven. When they are by the gates of heaven god says, "before you enter you have to answer a question each".
god says to the 1st nun "heres your question: who was the first man?"
1st nun: adam
god: correct, you may enter heaven.
2nd nun comes
god: who was the first female?
2nd nun: eve
god:you may enter heaven
3rd nun comes
god: this is a tricky question, but what was the first thing eve said to adam?
3rd nun: ummm.....thats a hard one...
god: correct, you may enter heaven.

lol
_________________________
when theres a will, theres five hundred relatives

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#26939 - 07/08/09 01:21 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Emily]
Fist Moderator Offline
veteran member


Registered: 08/31/07
Posts: 1453
Loc: B'mo Cautious MF
Q: How is Obama like God?

A: God doesn't have a birth certificate either.



Q: How is Obama different from God?

A: God does not think he is Obama.
_________________________
I am the Devil and I am here to do the Devil's work.

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#27005 - 07/10/09 07:08 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
Jester Offline
pledge


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 62
Loc: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”

blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly.

He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.”

The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.”

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”

The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.’
_________________________
"...And I thought my jokes were bad."

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#27416 - 07/23/09 06:02 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jester]
Meq Offline
Banned
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 861
British Humour:

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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#27524 - 07/26/09 07:57 AM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Meq Offline
Banned
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 861
I just got this in my inbox and it made milk come out my nose, so I thought I'd share.
I've only included parts of it, if any are interested I'd post more:


I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed, and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a MIDGET!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

--------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

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#27545 - 07/26/09 01:26 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Meq]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
Hahaha, like the second one \:D

This one's not quite a joke, but still funny--

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#27975 - 08/06/09 06:37 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
Meq Offline
Banned
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 861
Why does Jonah hate pussy?

It brings back bad memories...

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#28113 - 08/07/09 10:51 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Meq]
Azathoth68 Offline
pledge


Registered: 07/18/09
Posts: 51
Loc: Denver, CO USA
Jonah got ate by the whale, but was he post-menstrual? Sorry, I tried to get that joke and failed, miserably..
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#28127 - 08/08/09 03:54 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Azathoth68]
Morgan Offline
Princess of Hell
stalker


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 2956
Loc: New York City
Pussy reminded him of tuna.....

The scent of bad fish.....




M
_________________________
Courage Conquering Fear
Fuck em if they can't take a joke
Don't Like What I Say, Kiss My Ass



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#28128 - 08/08/09 04:26 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Morgan]
ceruleansteel Offline
active member


Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 784
Loc: Behind you
Little boy asks his mom, "Why are you white and I'm black?"

"Don't even go there." She replies. "I STILL remember that party, and you're lucky you aren't barking."

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#48010 - 02/03/11 10:52 PM Re: Jokes [Re: ceruleansteel]
Pheonix666 Offline
stranger


Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 22
Loc: So Cal
A guy walks into a bar... ouch.
_________________________
I bring the Light, but will you receive it?

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#48017 - 02/04/11 12:30 AM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2515
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
Anton LaVey took Lilith & myself out to dinner in L.A. one evening, and at one point, completely casually the way he could be, he asked Lilith to look down and spell "attic".
_________________________
Michael A. Aquino

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#48019 - 02/04/11 12:35 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
 Originally Posted By: Michael A.Aquino
Anton LaVey took Lilith & myself out to dinner in L.A. one evening, and at one point, completely casually the way he could be, he asked Lilith to look down and spell "attic".


LOL!!! It works every time.
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#48020 - 02/04/11 12:51 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
I told this joke in a social setting at a restaurant in San Francisco with Dr. LaVey, several of the members of the Council of Nine, Forrest J. Ackerman and Kenneth Anger. The restaurant (I can't recall the name) was one of the last to serve fondu at the tables, and we had a nice cheesy one going, which inspired the joke.

There was a man with leprosy. BAD case of leprosy. Running sores, rotting flesh. It was so bad that they were going to ship him off to the leper colony in the morning. He was resigned to his fate, but he felt he needed to do one last thing amongst the normal people before he left. He decided he would go to dinner.

He spoke to the Maitre 'd and explained his situation. The Maitre d. said, "Well, I think I can help you. I can seat you in the back of the resraurant, but you'll have to face away from the other diners, and you'll have to sit with a drunk." The man indicated that he would accept those terms, and in they went.

He and the drunk sat quietly, eating their meal, when he said, "You know, I want to thank you for this. I'm leaving for the leper colony and..."

The drunk looked up with a disgusted look on his face and said, "OH!!! That's awful!!! Oh my god! I can't look at that!"

The leper said, "Oh, I'm sorry sir! I didn't mean to ruin your dinner. I'll leave you now with my thanks." And as he got up to leave, he heard the drunk say, "No... sit down... it's not you."

So they ate in silence for a while, an the leper said, "This really is wonderful weather we've been having."

The drunk looked up, gagged and said, "OH MY GOD THAT'S GROSS!!! I can't look at that! I'm going to toss my cookies!"

Again, the leper said, "Oh, I'm sorry sir! I didn't mean to ruin your dinner. I'll leave you now with my thanks." And as he got up to leave, he heard the drunk say, "No... sit down... it's not you."

As the drunk finished his meal, the leper looked at him and smiled. His nose fell off, and he said, "Thank you, kind sir. You've made an unfortunate man very happy, and I know that this kindness will be repaid..."

The drunk just looked stunned and barfed his dinner all over the table. The leper cried, "Now I've done it! I've ruined your dinner and probably scarred you for life! I deserve to spend my life amongst freaks like me!"

The drunk said, "No, no, man, I said it wasn't you! It's the guy behind you. He keeps dipping his bread in your neck!"

Hilarity ensued.
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#48022 - 02/04/11 01:08 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2515
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
That's coincidental, because Anton told me the worst leper joke I've ever heard:

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A: "Keep the tip."
_________________________
Michael A. Aquino

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#48023 - 02/04/11 01:23 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
MatthewJ1
Unregistered



LOL! Jake and Dr. Aquino those jokes are bloody shocking. Ha Ha!

(sorry for the one liner)

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#48025 - 02/04/11 02:05 AM Re: Jokes [Re: ]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
Dr. LaVey was sitting at the keyboards one evening playing some little tune, talking to Klaxon, the cat, who was sitting on the table, next to the keyboards. It was sort of like an old Vaudeville act where he'd tell a joke, hit the punchline and drop a rim shot. Klaxon apparently was an appreciative audience. I almost spit my coke out when he came up with,

"Mr. Rabbit and Mr. Bear were walking in the woods. (dump dum da da da)
And they walked and they talked as a rabbit and bear do, (dump dum da da da)
And the bear said, "Shit sticks to my fur, Mr. Rabbit, does that happen to you? (dump dum da da da)
Mr. Rabbit said, "No," and Mr. Bear wiped his ass with him. (Ba da BOOM)

Sounds much better with the musical accompaniment.
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#48026 - 02/04/11 02:25 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
Pheonix666 Offline
stranger


Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 22
Loc: So Cal
Utah Crazy Law
# It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.

# Birds have the right of way on all highways.

# It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.

# It is against the law to fish from horseback.

# When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.

# A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

# You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.

# It is illegal not to drink milk.

# It is considered an offense to hunt whales.

Kaysville
# You must have identification to enter a convenience store after dark.

Logan
# Women may not swear.

Monroe
# Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.

Provo
# Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.

Salt Lake City
# No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.

Trout Creek
# Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.
_________________________
I bring the Light, but will you receive it?

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#48034 - 02/04/11 07:29 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Pheonix666]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
Phoenix, the point of this thread was to share jokes, not list the ridiculous laws throughout a state. It's funny, but off-topic.

Do you have any good jokes to share?
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#48040 - 02/04/11 10:49 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
Pheonix666 Offline
stranger


Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 22
Loc: So Cal
My apologies.

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
_________________________
I bring the Light, but will you receive it?

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#48048 - 02/04/11 01:54 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Pheonix666]
Nyte Offline
member


Registered: 10/19/09
Posts: 380
Loc: Ohio
LMFAO.....that was GOOD Pheonix!! I have to pass that one along.

I think he made up for his "list". Don't you Nemesis? I must say though, the list was good too.
_________________________
If only just for today.....

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#48053 - 02/04/11 04:16 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nyte]
Daafje666 Offline
pledge


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 73
Loc: The Netherlands
Q: What's the similarity between a lamborghini and a baby?

A: It's hard to get in, but when you're in it's one hell of a ride!


Edited by Daafje666 (02/04/11 04:22 PM)
Edit Reason: shitty grammar
_________________________
That's why.

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#48057 - 02/04/11 05:12 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Daafje666]
Dutch Satanist Offline
pledge


Registered: 10/19/10
Posts: 69
Loc: Delft, The Netherlands
Ponder this:

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

Can't remember where I got that from though, but it somehow stuck.
_________________________
“There is a beast in man that needs to be excersised, not exorcised.”

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#48060 - 02/04/11 05:27 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Dutch Satanist]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
If memory serves, it's an old Groucho Marx bit, DS.

I remember it from when I was a kid a loooooong time ago.
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#48095 - 02/05/11 10:01 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
William Wright Offline
active member


Registered: 10/25/09
Posts: 860
Loc: Nashville
This one’s not so much a joke as a funny moment (at least to me):

When I was in the Temple of Set, I went to a gathering that included Setians of various degrees, including a few priests. After a couple hours of philosophical discussion, we headed to a nice restaurant for dinner, after which we would return to the gathering place to participate in a ritual. After the meals arrived and just before we started eating I said to the group, “So who’s going to say grace?”

The silence was deafening.
_________________________
In Minecraft all chickens are spies.

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#48142 - 02/05/11 06:24 PM Re: Jokes [Re: William Wright]
Pheonix666 Offline
stranger


Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 22
Loc: So Cal
Lol Thats funny.

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"


Edited by Pheonix666 (02/05/11 06:24 PM)
Edit Reason: Spelling error.
_________________________
I bring the Light, but will you receive it?

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#48166 - 02/05/11 11:21 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2515
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
This one works verbally, not in reading:

"Why do mermaids wear seashells?"

"Because B-shells are too small, and D-shells are too large."
_________________________
Michael A. Aquino

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#48827 - 02/14/11 01:26 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
Daafje666 Offline
pledge


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 73
Loc: The Netherlands
Q: What's bald and 10 meters long?

A: A polonaise at the cancer ward.



Q: What's bald and 2 meters long?

A: The same polonaise, a week later.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many people live in Zimbabwe?

A: That depends on which direction the wind blows.



-->~Satanism: A non prophet organization~<---


Edited by Daafje666 (02/14/11 01:43 PM)
_________________________
That's why.

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#49360 - 02/22/11 04:31 AM Re: Jokes [Re: blsk]
Hegesias Offline
active member


Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 725
 Originally Posted By: blsk
Lux this one is for you.
So Adam is in the garden of eden and god realises that adam, having named the animals and all realises that he is getting bored. So god says to adam, "Adam, I am going to make you a companion. She will be your best friend and confidant. She will be there for you allways. To make you happy, laugh, smile. She will be your perfect match." So Adam is ecstatic. The god says, "But there is only one catch..." Adam says"yes god? What is the catch?" God says"It's going to cost you an arm and a leg." Adam, after thinking for a while says"Well...what can I get for a rib?"

Q: What's small, screaming, and can't turn corners?
A: A baby with a spear through it!

Q: What's funnier that a dead baby?
A: A dead baby dressed like a clown!

Q: How does an ethiopian woman know when she's pregnant?
A: When she pulls out her tampon and it's half eaten!

Good shit, huh?


You ought not joke about Ethiopian pregnancy because often third world families are deprived of their only meals buy rich western families adopting the children and thus removing the sun-baked 'infant jerky' the whole starving family were to dine upon.
_________________________


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#49370 - 02/22/11 11:40 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Hegesias]
Andy Offline
lurker


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 3
Loc: wales uk
What do ya do after raping a deaf mute ...
Break their fingers so they cant tell anyone

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#49381 - 02/22/11 03:31 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Andy]
Diavolo Offline
RIP
stalker


Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 4997
A young girl is sitting at Santa's lap when he asks her what she wants for christmas.
"I would like some hair between my legs", she says.
Santa asks: "Is a gray beard good too?"

D.

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#52710 - 04/11/11 09:28 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Diavolo]
Nyte Offline
member


Registered: 10/19/09
Posts: 380
Loc: Ohio
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
_________________________
If only just for today.....

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#52711 - 04/11/11 09:48 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nyte]
Mister Cage Offline
stranger


Registered: 11/02/10
Posts: 49
My wife said she loves me unconditionally, i said "no, only the dog does" she said i was crazy and dead fucking wrong!!!...so i locked em both in the trunk of my car for an hour...


guess who was still happy to see me when i opened it? ;-)


Edited by Mister Cage (04/11/11 09:49 PM)

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#53989 - 05/05/11 11:30 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Mister Cage]
Morgan Offline
Princess of Hell
stalker


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 2956
Loc: New York City
So its amazing what happens in the USA when both the play station network and 3 major online poker sites are shut down....

They finally left the house and found Bin Ladin.

M
_________________________
Courage Conquering Fear
Fuck em if they can't take a joke
Don't Like What I Say, Kiss My Ass



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#53992 - 05/05/11 11:43 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Morgan]
Fist Moderator Offline
veteran member


Registered: 08/31/07
Posts: 1453
Loc: B'mo Cautious MF
New drink - the Bin Laden:

Two straight shots and a splash of water...

*rimshot*


Thank you, I'll be here all week. Tip the waitress. Try the veal.
_________________________
I am the Devil and I am here to do the Devil's work.

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#54001 - 05/06/11 11:54 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Fist]
Morgan Offline
Princess of Hell
stalker


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 2956
Loc: New York City
The first major thing that the USA gets done since the Play Station network is down, and you can't play online poker.

They find and kill Bin Laden.

What's next...
\:D
_________________________
Courage Conquering Fear
Fuck em if they can't take a joke
Don't Like What I Say, Kiss My Ass



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#54012 - 05/06/11 03:31 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
Knievel74 Offline
member


Registered: 05/18/10
Posts: 147
Loc: NY

What's 14 inches long and makes a woman scream...

Crib death.


Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek...

'Cause they don't work in the future, either.
_________________________
"Man was meant to live, not just to exist". - Evel Knievel

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#57913 - 08/02/11 04:36 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Knievel74]
AGW Offline
stranger


Registered: 08/02/11
Posts: 10
Loc: Corpus
 Originally Posted By: Knievel74
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek...

'Cause they don't work in the future, either.


That jokes fucked up and absolutely wonderful.lol

Q- What's long and hard on a 14-year-old black boy?

A- Second grade.

Longer joke:

A blind gentleman walks into a restaurant and the host/owner walks him over and sits him at a table. The blind man tells the host that he would not require a menu, but instead simple a fork or spoon from a dirty plate for him to sniff and that he will be able to determine whether or not he wants that dish simply from that. Confused, the host fulfills his request and brings him a variety of forks and spoons all still filthy from the previous meals.

The blind man shuffles through some of them, sniffing each and every one, before he says, "Ah! Freshly-made and perfectly cooked roast beef! I'd like some of that please!" The cook, who was the host's wife, had just made a fresh batch that day which was unusually excellent. Naturally, the host was very much amazed.

He then went into the kitchen and explained the wonder that had just took place in the restaurant to his wife (the cook.) Both amazed, the host took the roast beef out to the man who ate it, paid, and left.

This occurred several more times and each time the blind man ordered something different knowing what he wanted based on dirty forks and spoons. Approximately a year later, the owner decides to play a joke on the blind man by convincing his wife to stick a spoon up her vagina for the blind man to sniff.

Holding back a giggle, the blind man raises the spoon to his nose, takes in a deep sniff, and laughs for a moment before stating, "I didn't know Mary works here!"
_________________________
If someone teaches you hate, it's best to return the favor through teaching them fear.

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#58142 - 08/12/11 12:51 AM Re: Jokes [Re: AGW]
Wicked Satanist Offline
member


Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 244
Loc: Michigan
A man picks up his lovely date at her parent's house, then takes her to a fancy restaurant. She orders the most expensive items on the menu; shrimp coctail, lobster, and a nice glass of champaign. The man is pissed, he asks "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?" "No." she replies, "But my mother's not expecting a blow job." The man then asks her if she wants dessert.
_________________________
Forever in Darkness,
Timothy

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#58144 - 08/12/11 06:28 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Wicked Satanist]
Wicked Satanist Offline
member


Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 244
Loc: Michigan
It's not really ajoke, but it's amusing.

Dr Seuss 2011: I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam. I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books. I do not like when Congress steals, I do not like their secret deals. I do not like ex-speaker Nan, I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'..I do not like this spending spree, I'm smart, I know that nothing's free. I do not like their smug replies, when I complain about their lies. I do not like this kind of hope. I do not like it. nope, nope, nope.

p.s. I couldn't edit my post above this one and add it to the bottom as a second paragraph, I guess there's a timer on being able to edit your own stuff... sorry about the double post.
_________________________
Forever in Darkness,
Timothy

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#58146 - 08/12/11 07:03 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Wicked Satanist]
6Satan6Archist6 Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2509
I came across this joke a long time ago and just remembered it today. I'm not sure if it has been posted before and to be honest I didn't even look:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say ,"Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
The reccomended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
_________________________
No gods. No masters.

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#58151 - 08/13/11 06:27 AM Re: Jokes [Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
Wicked Satanist Offline
member


Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 244
Loc: Michigan
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+Tourist: $8.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $12.50
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
_________________________
Forever in Darkness,
Timothy

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#58345 - 08/19/11 07:41 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Wicked Satanist]
Wicked Satanist Offline
member


Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 244
Loc: Michigan
Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside...He says in a weak voice " There's something I must confess"
"Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right."
"No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mom!"
"I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes"
_________________________
Forever in Darkness,
Timothy

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#58377 - 08/20/11 03:28 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
AzazelsSon Offline
stranger


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 7
Loc: USA
What do call an arab in the desert? A dune coon...I have no regrets
_________________________
“It is wiser to find out than to suppose”-Mark Twain

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#58734 - 08/31/11 09:33 AM Re: Jokes [Re: AzazelsSon]
Wicked Satanist Offline
member


Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 244
Loc: Michigan
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. ' First surgeon said "Electricians are the best, everything is colored coded." The second second surgeon says " No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The third surgeon shut them up when he said "you're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.There's no guts,no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus the head and the ass are interchangeable...
_________________________
Forever in Darkness,
Timothy

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#59069 - 09/12/11 08:00 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Wicked Satanist]
Rivenstar Offline
stranger


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 17
Loc: The city of sin.
Here's and old one you all might enjoy:

Long ago...
On a cold winter night, after a terrible storm and an even more terrible shipwreck, 3 Christian missionaries washed up on the land of Unga Bunga.
As they lay there shivering and vomiting seawater, they were discovered by the local tribesmen who quickly bound their hands and feet and dragged them before the king.
The king (being quite grumpy at having been awoken in the middle of the night) glared at the 3 men and declared, "This is the Isle of Unga Bunga and you have trespassed upon it! Choose now your fate, Death or Unga Bunga?
The first missionary was a coward and feared death above all. He spoke up quickly and said, "Mighty King, I choose Unga Bunga." At which time the man was seized and brutally raped by all the warriors in the village, then thrown naked and weeping into the forest.
The second missionary was horrified by what happened to the first missionary and was visibly sickened, but he too feared death. So when the king looked at him, He looked down at his feet and softly said, "I too choose Unga Bunga." Whereupon he too was grabbed, violently violated and thrown naked out into the forest.
The third missionary was a true man of faith and did not fear death. So he looked the king right in the eye when he said,"I choose death!" In response, the king took up his wicked sword and yelled, "THEN YOU SHALL HAVE DEATH......BY UNGA BUNGA!"
_________________________
I do anything and everything Mr. Stark requires. - Pepper

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#59176 - 09/17/11 05:39 PM Re: Jokes [Re: fakepropht]
dust-e sheytoon Offline
member


Registered: 08/23/11
Posts: 206
Loc: NYC
 Originally Posted By: fakepropht
Why does Jesus hate M&Ms? They fall through the holes in his hands.


:)) That's a great joke! I shared it on Facebook and some of my Atheist Iranian and Sufi Egyptian friends liked it too!

Following are some examples of Iranian visual jokes.

Mecca is which way?
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2259431038936&set=o.282828097785&type=1&theater

Comparing American and Iranian Presidential motorcades.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2...&type=1&theater

Form follows....?
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=189769577704944&set=o.118101631593057&type=3&theater

Adapting American safety technology
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=173607012714156&set=o.174139325990505&type=1&theater
_________________________
Fly for your lives! A great magician comes! He summons armies from the earth itself! ~ ArabianNights

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#59195 - 09/18/11 05:14 PM Re: Jokes [Re: dust-e sheytoon]
Wicked Satanist Offline
member


Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 244
Loc: Michigan
Cop pulled a man over for doing 90 mph in a 55 mph zone. He examined his license & said, "Darn it, it's been a long hard day, it's Friday, I don't need the frustration of more paperwork or the overtime. If you can give me one GOOD excuse for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go without a ticket."
The man thinks for a minute & says, "Well last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
Have a nice weekend," said the officer
_________________________
Forever in Darkness,
Timothy

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#60846 - 11/02/11 12:03 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Wicked Satanist]
Shintorei Offline
lurker


Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 3
Foreword:For all of you who may not know , in germany , a vast amount of people are turkish , and a vast amount of them act like idiots.

Joke #1
So , a American , a Australian ,a Turk ,and a German are sitting on a hill
And then at some point , the American throws a bottle of whisky down the hill saying "We got enough of these at home" The Australian throws down a snake saying "We got enough of these at home"
Now the German thinks , and looks at the Turk , and the Turk says "Dont even think about it"

Joke #2
Q:What makes a bog body funnier ?
A:A clown costume

Joke #3 (Foreword , I got nothing against jews)
So , Hitler , with 30 jews , is sitting on a chair on a rooftop.
Then he tells a jew "Jump down while lying"
So he jumps down while lying.
The next one , he tells "Jump down while sitting"
Then another one , this time "Jump down while being straight like a stick"
And then Garbage-Ehem-Goebbels comes running and says "Hitler ! Hitler! We conquered poland!"
Hitler then angrily retaliates "Dont disturb me when I'm playing tetris!"

Joke #3
Q:Whats the difference between a catholic priest and a beggar ?
A:They both stick their sticks into 10 year old buns.

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#61416 - 11/15/11 08:31 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
Magnussa Offline
stranger


Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 8
Loc: New York, NY, USA
Chuck Norris can call every phone in the world by dialing the same number...

on his microwave.

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#61419 - 11/15/11 09:39 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Magnussa]
LeftHandonFeet Offline
member


Registered: 11/05/11
Posts: 109
FINALLY! The REAL explanation for Jesus of Nazareth claiming to be the "Son of the Living God".
The doctor was piss drunk and while attempting to circumcise his sorry ass, he castrated the fuccin Jew tart. To make him feel better about himself they told him he was "different than the other kids". In fact they told him he was the "son of god and his seed too special to reproduce". Man did he get way overboard on that ego power trip. But thankfully, his faggot ass has been gone 2000 years. Hail Cesar! Hail Satan!

So now you know why Jesus of Nazareth ate lunch with the prostitutes- he foresaw the days of ganskta pimps and was a tad bit envious he couldn't start some shit and pass it down a few generations- now you know, it's not all about gifting and abilities- all that clairvoyance and he missed the obvious right in front of his ass! Speaking of his ass- Mary a virgin my ass! Nice mind trick and all, but I saw through it- Mary rode that ass all the way to Bethlehem- donkey? Yeah a donkey dick! She was a little young and they didn't want to expose the pervert.

You have a friend in the REAL Jesus- the Blacc Jesus! No I'm not talking about the one's in the south Georgia nativity scene race wars either- but the savior to the Left Hand! After all, I'm not racist- it's all pink on the inside! Once you go blacc you never go bacc refers to more than Magick, this I know- that took me awhile to figure out bacc in the day.
_________________________
"I’m just another hardline psuedo-statistic
Can you feel this?" Slipknot - The Blister Exists


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#61420 - 11/15/11 10:48 PM Re: Jokes [Re: LeftHandonFeet]
RAIDER Offline
member


Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 152
Loc: PA
A guy I know told me this one on a Sunday after he had gone to church....dunno why he went to church...anyway..."What's white and rains from the sky?......the cuming of the lord."
_________________________
DARK WOLF

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#61453 - 11/16/11 01:23 PM Re: Jokes [Re: RAIDER]
Managor Offline
member


Registered: 07/06/11
Posts: 110
So a guy walks into a bar..
I forgot the rest of the joke, but your mother is a whore.

And Nixon vs Clinton.

 Code:
Major Scandal during their presidency....
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

The President's biggest fear....
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore

Complaints toward the President.....
Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns

Their Vice-Presidents...
Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek.

Presidential qualities.....
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.

Things the President couldn't explain....
Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase

Job titles....
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Slogans....
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"

Known for....
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Acquaintances....
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Famous feats....
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho

Quoted as....
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

Presidential Nicknames....
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Tricky Dick

and finally, Presidential excuses....
Nixon: I am not a crook!
Clinton: I did not do nook!


Most of the rest I know are racist jokes.

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#61454 - 11/16/11 01:53 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Managor]
Daafje666 Offline
pledge


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 73
Loc: The Netherlands
Haven't seen much gay jokes yet, so how about this one?

A gay man walks into a butchery,

Butcher: How can I help you?

Gay man: I want the biggest, hardest sausage you got.

Butcher: Okay, no problem. Do you want it sliced up or whole?

Gay man: Whole of course, my ass isn't a shuffleboard!
_________________________
That's why.

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#61466 - 11/16/11 04:06 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Daafje666]
felixgarnet Offline
active member


Registered: 10/17/09
Posts: 688
Loc: UK
I thought that was going to be a joke about mince! ;\)
_________________________
"Here's to Artifice!" - Anton Szandor LaVey.

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#61916 - 11/27/11 02:31 PM Re: Jokes [Re: felixgarnet]
Nyte Offline
member


Registered: 10/19/09
Posts: 380
Loc: Ohio
I've got a friend that passes along some of the funniest jokes. Some clean, some not so clean. This one was just kind of fun, so here it is.

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?"

The son says "At school dad."

Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"

"What dvd?"

"Toy story."

Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was an adult dvd" cries the son.

Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what that was!"

Robot then slaps the dad!

Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son."

Robot then slaps the mom!
_________________________
If only just for today.....

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#61956 - 11/28/11 08:40 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nyte]
Managor Offline
member


Registered: 07/06/11
Posts: 110
Totally didn't see that end coming. That's a great on Nyte.
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#61978 - 11/28/11 08:17 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2515
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
So a lady passes a pet store with a gorgeous parrot in the window with a very low pricetag displayed on the cage. She enters and asks the proprietor why the bargain price.

"Well, he was confiscated from a bordello that the police raided last night, and his speech - just see for yourself."

She walks over to the cage, and the parrot says, "Awwk! New madam!"

She laughs and says, "I'll take him." When she arrives home with the cage, the parrot see her teenage daughter: "Awwk! New girl!"

About the time they both finish laughing, her husband walks into the room.

"Awwk! Hi, Fred!"
_________________________
Michael A. Aquino

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#61985 - 11/28/11 10:18 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
Man walks into a bar to get a drink and sees a big jar of money and sign that reads, "Make the Horse Laugh and win $10,000."

After talking to the bartender, he was taken to a back room stable where the saddest looking horse in the world was just standing, munching oats. The man looked at the horse, walked up to it and whispered in its ear. The horse chuckled, and the broke out into uproarious laughter. The man walked back into the bar, grabbed the $10,000 prize in the jar, and walked out the door.

A year later the man walks into the bar to get a drink and sees a huge jar of money and sign that reads, "Make the Horse Stop Laughing and win $100,000."

Once again he was led to the horse. The horse saw the man and his laughing became frantic. The man told the bartender, "I'm going to need 30 seconds alone with the horse." The bartender closed the door for 30 seconds, and when he reopened it, the horse was sad to the point of sobbing helplessly.

He said, "Well, I guess you win the prize again, but I really need to know what you did. How did you make him laugh?"

The man said, "I just told him my cock was bigger than his."

The bartender then asked, "Well... what did you do to make him so sad?"

The man smiled and said, "I showed him."
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#63759 - 01/16/12 03:49 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
tuathacoagula Offline
stranger


Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 24
Loc: Japan
Very short one:

What is harder than nailing a dead baby to a wall?

My dick while I'm doing it.

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#63773 - 01/16/12 12:29 PM Re: Jokes [Re: tuathacoagula]
seekswisdom Offline
member


Registered: 01/04/12
Posts: 104
Loc: California,U.S.
It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn't stop crying. Her fairy Godmother was distraught. "Cinderella," she said,"why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evening in you life!" But Cinderella continued in her sorrow."I know she said,'but I've looked everywhere and I can't find my diaphram! What am I going to do!?"

The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphram, but only for tonight and you have to be back by midnight or the Diaphram will turn into a pumpkin." "Thank you! Thank you!" she shieked, and she ran out the door so she woudn't be late.

The fairy Godmother smiled, happy to please Cinderella so much. She settled in the front of the fire to await Ciderella's return.

The fairy Godmother waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Ciderella. The fairy Godmother started to become distraut and worried until she worked her self into a frenzy.

Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sautering in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunk swagger in her walk and kind of breathes a tired hello.

The fairy Godmother's eyes got big and she jumped up. "what happen? Are you ok?

"I'm fine,' she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man....... Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater. \:D



Edited by seekswisdom (01/16/12 12:33 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling

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#63793 - 01/16/12 07:57 PM Re: Jokes [Re: seekswisdom]
dust-e sheytoon Offline
member


Registered: 08/23/11
Posts: 206
Loc: NYC
Top 10 reasons the 9/11 terrorists were not Iranian:

10. 8:45 is too early for most Iranians
9. Iranians are always late, they would've missed all 4 flights
8. Hot girls on the planes would distracted them
7. Once in the air, they would change their mind (Pashimoon mishodan)
6. Free alcohol on the plane, get it?
5. The suspected car found outside of Boston Airport would be a BMW not a Ford.
4. They would start taroofing with each other ( Shoma beshinid, na, shoma befarmaeed poshte havapeyma)
3. talking behind each other's back would start a big fight on the plane.
2. 18 Iranian men can never organize such smooth attack
1. They would've been too busy fixing their hair in case they are captured on TV.
_________________________
Fly for your lives! A great magician comes! He summons armies from the earth itself! ~ ArabianNights

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#63795 - 01/16/12 09:25 PM Re: Jokes [Re: dust-e sheytoon]
Zach_Black Offline
member


Registered: 05/14/11
Posts: 541
Loc: San Diego, California
Here is a short joke.

Why are woman so bad at judging length and distance?

Because all of their lives men with 4 inch penises have been telling them that it is really 8 inches.
_________________________
http://satanicinternationalnetwork.com/

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#63800 - 01/17/12 02:21 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Zach_Black]
seekswisdom Offline
member


Registered: 01/04/12
Posts: 104
Loc: California,U.S.
So true!

A cop was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree,crying.The cop stops and approaches the guy. "Whats going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up". The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled his pants down and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day,pal!"

A guy goes up to a girl and says, "you want to play magic'?"She says what that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

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#63902 - 01/20/12 07:04 PM Re: Jokes [Re: seekswisdom]
LeftHandonFeet Offline
member


Registered: 11/05/11
Posts: 109
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QGk8m51WDA&list=FLlpwWty9JNT8QLUzJbVM9Tg&index=6&feature=plpp_video

This link is to a YouTube video of a man named Old Man Tyree- he's fucking hysterical. He's got some other videos on YouTube as well- you will see them to the right side of the screen.
_________________________
"I’m just another hardline psuedo-statistic
Can you feel this?" Slipknot - The Blister Exists


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#63903 - 01/20/12 07:49 PM Re: Jokes [Re: LeftHandonFeet]
dust-e sheytoon Offline
member


Registered: 08/23/11
Posts: 206
Loc: NYC
I wonder if Old Man Tyree has a cousin in the UK http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SD1bXuZK_p0 Being a cranky old bugger is so awesome, in a way! But I prefer the calmer guy.
_________________________
Fly for your lives! A great magician comes! He summons armies from the earth itself! ~ ArabianNights

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#68785 - 07/12/12 07:21 PM Re: Jokes [Re: dust-e sheytoon]
Robert Paulson Offline
pledge


Registered: 06/29/12
Posts: 99
Loc: Montana, America
True story:

I work as a surgical technologist. Essentially, I assist doctors while they do surgery. One general surgeon told me this story and he is not known for making up false tales. He was called to the emergency room one day to remove an eggplant from a patient's rectum as the patient had placed it up there out of curiosity. ER doctors are full of very interesting stories. The funny thing was that at that hospital the next day, the cafeteria served Eggplant Parmegian.
_________________________
Satan watches all of us and smiles as some do his bidding. - Jeff Hanneman (1983)

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#68802 - 07/12/12 08:10 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Robert Paulson]
Latvian Offline
member


Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 475
Loc: EU, Latvia, Riga (old town)
I like such jokes from life! Thank You!

In my teachers work I had a lot of fun from simple, everyday events...
_________________________
In Sorte Diaboli

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#68831 - 07/13/12 06:55 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Latvian]
Deep Time Offline
pledge


Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 54
The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The pope replied, "Big tits."
_________________________
http://hereistoday.com/

"All the witches had to show their respect for Satan by kissing his ass."


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#68832 - 07/13/12 06:59 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Deep Time]
Latvian Offline
member


Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 475
Loc: EU, Latvia, Riga (old town)
You inspire me to tell some Latvian jokes - maybe they don't seem funny for other nations, even for our neighbours Estonians, Lithuanians, Sweds, but I soon put here some our jokes!
_________________________
In Sorte Diaboli

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#69018 - 07/16/12 01:36 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Latvian]
Robert Paulson Offline
pledge


Registered: 06/29/12
Posts: 99
Loc: Montana, America
Well, that would be Swede of you, Latvia, to put some national humor into the discussion. I hope you are not Russian into things, though. I'd make more jokes, but people who live in grass houses shouldn't throw Estonians.
_________________________
Satan watches all of us and smiles as some do his bidding. - Jeff Hanneman (1983)

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#69032 - 07/16/12 07:52 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Prion Offline
stranger


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 26
If I walked into a nunnery and took all my clothes off, would the Mother Superior have a stroke?



What's the difference between ROM and RAM?

You can't rom your cock up somebody's ass.

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#74960 - 01/31/13 01:13 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Prion]
Dimitri Offline
stalker


Registered: 07/13/08
Posts: 3112
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc .

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says," I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as? "She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party.

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irishmen, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!" Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair."
_________________________
Ut vivat, crescat et floreat

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#74961 - 01/31/13 02:45 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2515
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
This is a true historical story:

Visitors to University of California Berkeley sports games or student rallies in the late 60s would often be mystified that, to show approval, the crowds of students would yell "Shultz lives!", or disapproval: "Shultz is dead!"

The allusion was to an otherwise-obscure joke in an issue of the California Pelican:

A businessman returns to town and sees many women on the sidewalks, on their porches, at their windows, sobbing. When he asks some of them what's wrong, each answers, "Shultz is dead."

His curiosity aroused, he stops by the local undertaker to ask what's so significant about Shultz. The undertaker shows him the body, which has the most gigantic member he's ever seen. Astounded, he offers the undertaker $100 if he'll cut it off and put it in a jar of formaldehyde for him.

Arriving home, he calls to his wife, "You won't believe what I've just brought from the funeral home." She takes one look and cries, "Oh no! Shultz is dead!"
_________________________
Michael A. Aquino

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#74962 - 01/31/13 03:25 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
Fnord Offline
senior member


Registered: 01/11/10
Posts: 2085
Loc: Texas
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"


@Dimitri... Ha! Can't stop laughing about that one for some reason! Probably because I'm Irish.


Edited by Fnord (01/31/13 09:35 PM)
_________________________
Dead and gone. Syonara.

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#74963 - 01/31/13 07:23 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Fnord]
Octavius Offline
member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 557
Loc: Left the party
So I got broadsided by a midget this morning on the way to work. The little guy gets out of the car and says, "I am NOT happy." So I say, "Well, which dwarf are you, then?"
_________________________
So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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#74977 - 02/03/13 02:26 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Octavius]
Robert Paulson Offline
pledge


Registered: 06/29/12
Posts: 99
Loc: Montana, America
There was this teenage boy whose only knowledge of sex came from watching internet porn videos. One day he hooked up with a real woman. Things got very passionate and the sex was great until he just suddenly stopped in mid-motion. The woman asked, "What the heck are you doing?" He replied, "Oh, I'm just buffering."
_________________________
Satan watches all of us and smiles as some do his bidding. - Jeff Hanneman (1983)

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#74978 - 02/03/13 02:27 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Robert Paulson]
Robert Paulson Offline
pledge


Registered: 06/29/12
Posts: 99
Loc: Montana, America
Do you know why there is a two-week gap between this year's NFL Championship games and the Super Bowl? Beyonce needs the time to pre-record her halftime show!
_________________________
Satan watches all of us and smiles as some do his bidding. - Jeff Hanneman (1983)

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#75039 - 02/07/13 12:56 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Robert Paulson]
Kirsten Offline
stranger


Registered: 01/13/13
Posts: 24
Loc: Boulder, Co
A guy walks into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "A whole lot, as a matter of fact.-- The Muslim one blows itself up!"

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#75976 - 04/15/13 03:51 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Kirsten]
hethatisfej Offline
lurker


Registered: 04/01/13
Posts: 3
This is a little better when you can do a little movement but I think it's still funny.

Dr. Jones is walking out of his office for lunch & he stops at the desk of his receptionist. "Sally", he begins "I'm going to lunch, I'll be back in about an hour if, while I'm gone Mr. Smith calls for an appointment tell him I can no longer see him."

Sally asks, "But Dr. Jones?! Mr. Smith seems like a nice man."

"Mr. Smith only uses appointments as a chance to hit on me. Not that I'm a homophobe but this is a legitimate practice and I can't entertain that behavior." The doctor replies sternly.

And with that the doctor heads off to lunch.

Upon return he finds Sally sitting uncomfortably at her desk.

"Here are your messages doctor & there is one other thing." Sally says nervously. "It's Mr. Smith, he's in your examination room."

The doctors voice hinting at frustration says, "Sally I distinctly told you..."

"But he seemed to be in pain." She interrupted.

The good doctor settles himself & enters the examination room.

"Alright Smith, what's the problem."

"It's my bum." Says Mr. Smith in a timid effeminate voice.

"Alright Smith, drop your pants and bend over the table." The doctor says gruffly.

Mr. Smith quickly does as he is told.

As the doctor snaps on his rubber gloves, he spreads open the man's butt cheeks & immediately jumps back exclaiming. "Good God man there's a rose in there!"

Mr. Smith turns & says sweetly, "I know, read the card."


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#77166 - 06/15/13 07:09 PM Re: Jokes [Re: hethatisfej]
dust-e sheytoon Offline
member


Registered: 08/23/11
Posts: 206
Loc: NYC
Here's a joke a Syrian friend found on some English language website:

CLEVER SON

An old farmer writes to his son in prison;
Dear son, this year i wont be able to plant potatoes because i can't dig the field by myself, i know if you were here, you would help me.

The son writes back; dad don't even think of digging the field because thats where i buried the money i stole.

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote again....
Now plant your potatoes dad.. Its the best i can do from here...
_________________________
Fly for your lives! A great magician comes! He summons armies from the earth itself! ~ ArabianNights

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#77174 - 06/16/13 01:57 AM Re: Jokes [Re: dust-e sheytoon]
Conchis Offline
member


Registered: 12/16/11
Posts: 207
Loc: us
Ha! I enjoyed that one. Work smart not hard.

A fly landed on a pile of dung and began to eat, and eat, and eat.

When he couldn't dare take another bite he decided to go take a nap. He found a broom leaning against a wall landed on top of it, and fell asleep.

An hour later he woke up still stuffed from his meal, and decided it was time to leave.

As soon as he was in the air SPLAT! he was dead. The owner of the broom had killed him.

The moral of the story is.

Don't fly off the handle, when your full of shit!


Edited by Conchis (06/16/13 01:58 AM)

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#77934 - 07/11/13 01:26 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Conchis]
SIN3 Offline
stalker


Registered: 05/14/13
Posts: 6664
Loc: Virginia
Little Jimmy Thornton is skipping down the trail with some chicken wire...

Old man Johnson leaps from his porch and says "Jimmy, where you goin' with that thar' chicken wire?"

Jimmy: "I'ma gonna git' me some chickens."

Old man Johnson: "Did somebody drop you on yer head son? You can't git no chickens with that thar' wire!"

An hour later...

Jimmy comes skipping up the trail with an arm full of chickens.

Old man Johnson: "We'll I'll be damned!"

The next day little Jimmy comes skippin' down the trail past Old Man Johnson's carrying some duct-tape.

Old man Johnson: "Jimmy, where you headn' with that thar' duct-tape?"

Jimmy: "I'ma go git me some ducks."

Old man Johnson: "Boy, you can't git no ducks with that thar' tape!"

An hour latter...

Jimmy comes back up the trail with an arm full of ducks.

Old man Johnson: "Well, shit. Ain't that sumthn'?!"

The following day, Jimmy is slowly approaching up the trail. He's got something in his hand that Old man Johnson tries to make out. He's squinting and looking, pacing back and forth waiting for Jimmy to arrive.

Old man Johnson: "What you got there Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "I got me some Pussy-willows..."

Old man Johnson: "Hang on there a sec Jimmy, let me get my hat..."
_________________________
SINJONES.com

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#77949 - 07/11/13 11:06 PM Re: Jokes [Re: SIN3]
XiaoGui17 Offline
active member


Registered: 10/21/09
Posts: 1126
Loc: Amarillo, TX
This is from an episode of Bones, "Death in the Saddle." A very cheesy and perfectly timed aside comment ended up being the highlight of the show, for me.

A man is found dead. He was killed by a single blow to the forehead with a hoof knife, and his feet were cut off and buried separately. The ritualistic killing and burial is similar to that for a champion thoroughbred horse.

It is soon discovered that the deceased was into pony play, and investigators travel to the lodge where the dead man was a pony. They began to suspect a jealous rival for a female rider may be the killer, so they request to ask him some questions.

However, the rival refuses to break character. He merely snorts at the investigators through his bit. Getting fed up, one agent finally says, "Look, you can talk to us now voluntarily, or we'll have to arrest you and take you down to the precinct, and then you'll miss out on a whole day of horsing around."

I lost it.
_________________________
Wir halten uns an Regeln, Wenn man uns regeln lässt

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#77952 - 07/11/13 11:21 PM Re: Jokes [Re: XiaoGui17]
SIN3 Offline
stalker


Registered: 05/14/13
Posts: 6664
Loc: Virginia
Ha, that's a good one. I really do like that show. I'll have to catch that episode. Which season is it from?
_________________________
SINJONES.com

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#93842 - 10/19/14 01:35 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2515
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
O.K., this joke is so great that I'm just sorry I didn't think of it first to pull it on Lilith. On the other hand, if I had, I probably wouldn't have been alive now to type this.

It's also so gross that the only place I could think of to post it is 600C. ;\)

A friend of ours recently called out to his wife from the bathroom: "There's no more toilet paper on the roll! Please hand me a new roll." When she did, and his hand touched hers, she drew her hand back and it was all smeared with brown stuff, to which she understandably yelled, "Agh! Ick!" or something like that.

At which point he laughed and said, "That's peanut butter!" \:D

What she said or did next to him is not recorded.

Note: If you try this on someone close to you, you never heard it from me.

Additional note: This is exactly the kind of joke Anton LaVey used to pull, which made it very dangerous to be around him. I'm surprised that Diane, Karla, or Zeena didn't do him in long since ...
_________________________
Michael A. Aquino

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#93859 - 10/20/14 10:47 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
SIN3 Offline
stalker


Registered: 05/14/13
Posts: 6664
Loc: Virginia
Boys will be boys. I'll never understand the amusement with poop and fart jokes.
_________________________
SINJONES.com

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#93860 - 10/20/14 11:00 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
Megatron Offline
active member


Registered: 08/22/14
Posts: 859
Loc: fuckit, some kid cracked my co...
 Originally Posted By: Michael A.Aquino
O.K., this joke is so great that I'm just sorry I didn't think of it first to pull it on Lilith. On the other hand, if I had, I probably wouldn't have been alive now to type this.

It's also so gross that the only place I could think of to post it is 600C. ;\)

A friend of ours recently called out to his wife from the bathroom: "There's no more toilet paper on the roll! Please hand me a new roll." When she did, and his hand touched hers, she drew her hand back and it was all smeared with brown stuff, to which she understandably yelled, "Agh! Ick!" or something like that.

At which point he laughed and said, "That's peanut butter!" \:D

What she said or did next to him is not recorded.

Note: If you try this on someone close to you, you never heard it from me.

Additional note: This is exactly the kind of joke Anton LaVey used to pull, which made it very dangerous to be around him. I'm surprised that Diane, Karla, or Zeena didn't do him in long since ...


I think I saw this in a movie once .

Probably before your time.

=====================

All I have to say is that I appreciate your recent activities. You're growing tired, just like I told you in that PM.

Well, at least either that, OR . . .
_________________________
You can't beat me, I'm a fucking Transformer (TM), dude.

Oh, and I spell everything right.

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#93916 - 10/24/14 12:46 PM Re: Jokes [Re: SIN3]
Fnord Offline
senior member


Registered: 01/11/10
Posts: 2085
Loc: Texas
 Originally Posted By: SIN3
Boys will be boys. I'll never understand the amusement with poop and fart jokes.


I'll admit to laughter every time I watch this one (yes, I've watched it lots more than once)

Fartzenegger
_________________________
Dead and gone. Syonara.

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#93921 - 10/24/14 02:19 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2515
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
So it's the end of a airline flight and the captain's just finished his "thanks for flying with us" spiel to the passengers. Forgetting to key off the mike, he remarks to the co-pilot, "Whew, that was a long flight! I could sure use a blowjob and a cup of coffee about now."

The stewardess hears this broadcast throughout the plane, and, horrified, runs up the aisle to alert the pilot to the open microphone. Whereupon one of the passengers calls out, "Hey, you forgot the coffee!" \:D
_________________________
Michael A. Aquino

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#97222 - 03/05/15 08:01 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
antikarmatomic Offline
BANNED
stalker


Registered: 09/22/13
Posts: 3208
Loc: El Mundo
Q: "What has 8 legs, 7 arms, and blows?"

A:
Warning, Spoiler:
Def Leppard


^
 Originally Posted By: MountainGoat
You have the arm and leg counts backwards.


*damnit :|


Edited by antikarmatomic (03/05/15 08:11 PM)
Edit Reason: link-libed
_________________________
Angelic harlequins and sinister clowns.

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#97223 - 03/05/15 08:07 PM Re: Jokes [Re: antikarmatomic]
mountaingoat Offline
member


Registered: 05/08/10
Posts: 471
Loc: Colorado
You have the arm and leg counts backwards. And they have five members currently. And "On Through The Night" and "High and Dry" were pretty good albums.
_________________________
“The human race is unimportant. It is the self that must not be betrayed."

-John Fowles

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#97235 - 03/06/15 07:43 AM Re: Jokes [Re: mountaingoat]
antikarmatomic Offline
BANNED
stalker


Registered: 09/22/13
Posts: 3208
Loc: El Mundo
Heh, apparently that one went-over like a fart in a hot shower.

Anywho here's one I brought up before on some other thread. In a vague way it has a sorta' Lesser Magic moral to it as well:

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop."

The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?"

Customer looks up and says, "That's right."

Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet."

The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip.

And he-he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere *except* the fucking glass!

Right? Okay.

So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta."

Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300."

And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!"

The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."
_________________________
Angelic harlequins and sinister clowns.

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#97260 - 03/06/15 06:11 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Fnord]
Daniel_pockets Offline
stranger


Registered: 02/25/15
Posts: 20
 Originally Posted By: Fnord
 Originally Posted By: SIN3
Boys will be boys. I'll never understand the amusement with poop and fart jokes.


I'll admit to laughter every time I watch this one (yes, I've watched it lots more than once)

Fartzenegger


For me it's just funny how people react to it, when I was ten years old we had a math test and the room was dead silent until I let one rip, everybody knew where it came from and what it was, I don't know, maybe its purely irrational but there is something about "the look on your face" mentality involved with toilet humour.
_________________________
Danel the Dendrite

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#99797 - 05/17/15 03:30 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
MReynolds Offline
Permanently Banned Troll
member


Registered: 04/01/15
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
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On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
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A little boy always went next door to play even though his mom had warned him against doing so. This worried his mom so badly that she asked him why he was so disobedient.

He replied that Satan tempted him so bad and he did not know what to do.

His mom then advised him to say 'get behind me Satan' whenever he was tempted. She then built a fence around the house.

This worked for a week, then one sunny afternoon his mom looked out the window and there was her son playing on the neighbors lawn having cut a hole in the fence.

"Jeremiah", she yelled, "come here!" She then said "did I not tell you to say 'get behind me Satan' whenever he tempted you?"

"Yes", the boy replied, "I said, 'get behind me Satan', then he went behind me and pushed me through the hole in the fence."
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Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church ~ they are my best workers.

Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked ~ I can use them in my business.

Blessed are those who are touchy. Soon they will stop going to church ~ verily, they shall be my missionaries.

Blessed are those who sow gossip and trouble ~ they are my beloved children.

Blessed are those who have no time to pray ~ for they MY prey.

Blessed are those who gossip ~ for they are my secret agents.

Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. ~ I've got room for YOU at my inn.
-----------------------------------------------------------------There was a large group of people. On one side of the group stood a man, Jesus. On the other side of the group stood Satan. Separating them, running through the group, was a fence.

The scene set, both Jesus and Satan began calling to the people in the group and, one by one - each having made up his or her own mind - each went to either Jesus or Satan.

This kept going. Soon enough, Jesus had gathered around him a group of people from the larger crowd, as did Satan.

But one man joined neither group. He climbed the fence that was there and sat on it. Then Jesus and his people left and disappeared. So too did Satan and his people. And the man on the fence sat alone.

As this man sat, Satan came back, looking for something which he appeared to have lost. The man said, "Have you lost something?" Satan looked straight at him and replied, "No, there you are. Come with me."

"But", said the man, "I sat on the fence. I chose neither you nor him."

"That's okay," said Satan. "I own the fence."
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."


The real joke is that these "jokes" are examples of Christian humor concerning our Lord, and Liberator, Satan. Hail Satan! \m/ 666 Shemhamforash! lmfao

I actually kind of like them though, haha.


Edited by MReynolds (05/17/15 03:41 AM)
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#100674 - 06/13/15 10:32 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
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Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2515
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
O.K., this gets the Gross Prize for 2015.
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#100680 - 06/14/15 03:58 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
MReynolds Offline
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Registered: 04/01/15
Posts: 282
That was funny Dr. Aquino. This one's funny too.. https://youtu.be/NIDH4l92UvM \:\) It's not really a joke, but it does the trick alright. \:\)

Edited by MReynolds (06/14/15 03:59 PM)
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