#12311 - 10/07/08 10:59 AM
Jokes
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lux
Banned
pledge
Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: Newcastle UK
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I just thought I would start a thread where we can share some jokes, I like jokes, they make me laugh, so here is one or two.
1. I was working in the Garage the other day, when a Cat came in and drank the Gas/Petrol I had in a small saucer, it took off and ran rappidly around the room, up the walls and darting all over, it then dropped down dead... offical corriners report determined it had run out of gas/petrol.
2. Michelangelo painting the dome of St Peters in rome, he hears a noise so looking down he sees a little old Italian nun praying in one of the pews, deciding to have some fun, micky leaning over the side of the scafolding says "this is jesus speaking, what do you want?" The nun does not flinch, and continues in prayer. So micky a little louders says "this is Jesus speaking, what do you want?" Still the nun remains quiet and uninterupted, thinking the old nun maybe a little deaf Micky shouts "THIS IS JESUS SPEAKING, WHAT DO YOU WANT"
At this the nun Jumps up and slams her bible on the floor waving her arms wildly in a rage and in a typical Italian way she snarls "Ah will you shut yer face, I am talking to your mamma"
3. Jesus and the Devil are having an argument one day. Jesus says, "hey satan, are you going to do anything about this hole in the fence, all the sinners are getting into heaven" The Devil says, "looky here, your the son of God, why dont you fix it" Jesus replys "but the fence is your responsibility since you are the cause of sinful mankind" Satan snarls back "But it was you who kicked me out of heaven, you are the one who built the fence, its your responsibility"
Jesus says "Ah right, you want to play tough do ya, I will see you in court Mr"
The Devil laughes "oh really and where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?"
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#12343 - 10/08/08 12:40 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Nemesis]
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blsk
member
Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 298
Loc: salem or
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Lux this one is for you.
So Adam is in the garden of eden and god realises that adam, having named the animals and all realises that he is getting bored. So god says to adam, "Adam, I am going to make you a companion. She will be your best friend and confidant. She will be there for you allways. To make you happy, laugh, smile. She will be your perfect match." So Adam is ecstatic. The god says, "But there is only one catch..." Adam says"yes god? What is the catch?" God says"It's going to cost you an arm and a leg." Adam, after thinking for a while says"Well...what can I get for a rib?"
Q: What's small, screaming, and can't turn corners?
A: A baby with a spear through it!
Q: What's funnier that a dead baby?
A: A dead baby dressed like a clown!
Q: How does an ethiopian woman know when she's pregnant?
A: When she pulls out her tampon and it's half eaten!
Good shit, huh?
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#12347 - 10/08/08 01:14 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: blsk]
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DistroyA
member
Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
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Although I laughed at the dead baby jokes, I still get somewhat disappointed when I read/hear them.
Anyway, this is a joke thread, so I ought to contribute;
The Catholic priest Father James was told he was to do confessions one Sunday, due to Father William being taken ill. And so, he sits in the confession box, and the first confessor comes in. A man in his 40's
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
"What is your sin my brother?"
"I have given into lust and committed adultery against my wife"
"That is most unfortunate. Hail Mary 10 times, and I shall see to it that our lord will forgive thee"
The Hail Mary's commence, and he is forgiven by the priest. A few confessions later, and a woman steps into the box.
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned"
"What is your sin my dear?"
"I have committed adultery and given a man a blowjob"
At this point, Father James is confused as to what to tell her. He remembers that one of the choir boys, John, was still in the church. He peeks his head out of the box for a moment and asks;
"John, what does Father William give for a blowjob?"
John replies "Two Mars bars and a packet of crisps"
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)
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#12490 - 10/11/08 12:00 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Fist]
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PigFeeder
member
Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 294
Loc: Near Montreal, QC
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A teenage girl goes up to her father and says:
Girl: Daddy can you buy me these new jeans? I REALLY want them.
Father: WEll.. I don't know, how much are they?
Girl: There 80$
Father: What!? No way that's way too much, sorry.
Girl: Oh please daddy! Everyone in school is getting them, and I really want them, please?
Father: Oh.. Alright, but you have to do me a favor. You have to give me a blowjob.
Girl: Ew no way! That's incest!
The girl storms away, but she returns a little while later.
Girl: Fine, I'll do it.
So the father takes her into his bedroom and he pulls down his pants.
Girl: Ew why is your dick all full of shit?!
Father: Oh.. Your brother just borrowed the car.
--------
Much funnier in real life, but you get the point.
~Snow~.
_________________________
For all murderers, I am the leader.
Forever, Rob, The 49 PigFeeder.
NecroMantic Sin.
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#13373 - 10/24/08 02:02 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Yaksha
stranger
Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Los Angeles,Ca
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1.An elderly couple are laying in bed. Wife gets up and stands in front of a full body mirror naked. She goes "honey I'm fat,ugly, my skin is saggy FUCK! quick give me a compliment" Husbands says "well you have perfect eye sight"
2.How do you keep black people from getting into your back yard?
Hang one in the front.
3.How do you make a mexican fortune cookie?
A taco shell and a food stamp.
4.What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family.
5.What's long,black,and smells like shit?
The unemployment line.
6.What do you call a black man with a peg leg?
Shit on a stick.
7.What's the most confusing day of the year in oakland?
Fathers day.
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#13403 - 10/24/08 04:54 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Yaksha]
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blsk
member
Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 298
Loc: salem or
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Q: What's black, white, and rolls off the end of a pier?
A: A nigger and a seagull fighting over a chicken wing.
Q: What do you call 5 black guys hanging from a tree?
A: A Mississippi wind chime.
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#13478 - 10/26/08 04:01 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Ringmaster]
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blsk
member
Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 298
Loc: salem or
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Two Irish guys walk out of a bar......hey, it could happen!
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#15238 - 12/01/08 09:51 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: blsk]
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Picunnus
member
Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 101
Loc: Ohio, USA
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One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,
the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority,
lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity,
truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked
his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
_________________________
WWAD?
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#15301 - 12/01/08 09:16 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
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Phaethon
pledge
Registered: 08/01/08
Posts: 78
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Q: What is the difference between Sarah Palins Mouth and her cunt?
A: Only one retarded thing has come out of her cunt.
I actually heard that on 4chan once..
I laughed so hard I cried
_________________________
My God & I are one & the same,
We have the same face we have the same name.
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#15304 - 12/01/08 10:36 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
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blsk
member
Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 298
Loc: salem or
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Okay, when I read that I fucking died. That is sooo wrong I had to laugh to be comfortable with what I had just read. Bravo, that was good. LOL
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#15449 - 12/03/08 11:22 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: blsk]
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Chelsea_Grin
pledge
Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 54
Loc: Atlanta, GA
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Dr. Dave is sitting in his surgery after hours one night thinking about his encounter with a patient the week before. He pictures an angel on his right shoulder and a devil on his left as he looks in the mirror, the devil is saying "Dave mate, don’t worry about it you wont be the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you certainly wont be the last" then the angel pipes up " for fuck sake Dave, you're a vet!!!"
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#15481 - 12/04/08 12:09 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Chelsea_Grin]
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Jake999
senior member
Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
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A woman goes into a bar. It was quiet and the bar was empty, so she sat on a stool and ordered a Budweiser. The bartender gave her the beer, she took one drink and passed out cold.
The bartender was worried. She might be hurt. She might sue him. He thought that he had better make her comfortable on the sofa in the back and then call 911. He took her to the sofa and she looked soooooo good that he just couldn't help himself. He did her. Moments later, she woke up, straightened up and walked out of the bar.
The next day, he was telling his friend about it and she walked in again, sat at the bar and said, "I'll have a Budweiser." Same drink, same effect. She hit the floor and both the bartender and his friend took her to the couch and had their way with her. Moments later, she woke up, straightened up and walked out of the bar.
The next day, the bar was full. It got deathly quiet as she made her order, and when she passed out, they lined up next to the sofa. Moments later, she woke up, straightened up and walked out of the bar.
The next day, the bar was full, there was a line around the block, cops were doing traffic control and the Channel 7 Eyewitness News helicopter was circling the area. She walked in and sat at the bar. "I'll have a Coors light," she said.
The bartender said, "I thought you liked Budweiser."
She said, "I do, but Budweiser makes my pussy sore."
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.
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#15571 - 12/06/08 01:09 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: spiderbreeder]
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Dherrick
stranger
Registered: 11/01/08
Posts: 8
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Thats rediculous.
I gotta remember that one.
Sorry I don't have any to add.
_________________________
All lies are true.
All words are false.
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#15616 - 12/06/08 12:56 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Dherrick]
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Anthony West
stranger
Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 43
Loc: Germany
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Dude, that one was awesome.
Here's one:
Q: What's long and hard on a 14-year old nigger boy?
A: 2nd grade.
_________________________
There can be but little liberty on earth while men worship a tyrant in heaven
-Robert Green Ingersoll
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#15619 - 12/06/08 01:59 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: ta2zz]
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Anthony West
stranger
Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 43
Loc: Germany
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Here's another racist joke.
Q: How long does it take for a black woman to take out the trash?
A: 9 months
_________________________
There can be but little liberty on earth while men worship a tyrant in heaven
-Robert Green Ingersoll
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#15955 - 12/11/08 09:50 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Dan_Dread]
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Fabiano
member
Registered: 09/06/08
Posts: 374
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The CICADA and the ANT
ENGLISH VERSION
The ant works hard all summer long in the heat wave. It builds its house and prepares its provisions for the winter.
The cicada thinks that the ant is stupid; it laughs, dances and plays all the summer. When the winter came, the ant is in the heat and is well nourished.
The cicada trembling of cold has neither food nor shelter has and dies of cold.
> > > END
FRENCH VERSION
The ant works hard all the summer in the heat wave. It builds its house and prepares its provisions for the winter. The cicada thinks that the ant is stupid; it laughs, dances and plays all the summer.
When the winter came, the ant is in the heat and is well nourished. The cicada trembling of cold organizes a press conference and asks why the ant has the right to be in the heat and nourished well while the others, less lucky like it, are cold and hunger. Television organizes emissions on line which show the cicada trembling of cold and passes video extracts of the ant well in the heat in its comfortable house with a table full with provisions.
The French's are surprised that, in a so rich country, one lets suffer this poor cicada while others live in abundance. Associations against poverty express in front of the house of the ant. The journalists organize interviews asking why the ant became rich on the back of the cicada and challenge the government to increase the taxes of the ant so it pays “its just part".
In answer to the surveys, the government writes a law on economic equality and a law (retroactive since the summer) about anti-discrimination.
The taxes of the ant are increased and the ant receives also a fine for not to having engaged the cicada as an assistant. The house of the ant is preempted by the authorities because the ant doesn't have enough money to pay its fine and its taxes.
The ant leaves France and installs successfully in Switzerland.
Television makes a report on the now fattened cicada. It is finishing the last provisions of the ant although spring is still far. The old house of the ant, turned into social housing for the cicada, worsens because the latter didn’t do anything for maintaining it.
Reproaches are made with the government for the lack of means. An investigation commission is set up, which will cost 10 millions euros.
The cicada dies of an overdose.
“Liberation” and “L' Humanité” comment the failure of the government to rectify the problem of the social inequalities seriously.
The house is squatted by a gang of immigrant spiders. The government is pleased with the multicultural diversity of France.
The spiders organize traffic of marijuana and terrorize the community.
> > > END
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#15957 - 12/11/08 10:11 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Fabiano]
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Fabiano
member
Registered: 09/06/08
Posts: 374
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This is NOT a joke. It's a true story !
The Balloon Priest
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean, Brazil) In 1982 Lawn Chair Larry, beloved survivor of a Darwin-worthy attempt, attached 45 helium weather balloons to his comfortable Sears lawn chair, packed a picnic and a , and cut the tether. But instead of drifting lazily above the Los Angeles landscape, the combined lift of 45 huge helium balloons rocketed Larry into LAX air traffic lanes 16,000 feet above sea level. Astoundingly, he survived the "flight."
In homage to Larry's aerial adventure, a Catholic priest recently ascended towards heaven on a host of helium party balloons. Adelir Antonio de Carli, 41, was attempting to set the world record for clustered balloon flight to publicize his plan to build a spiritual rest stop for truckers.
Sitting for more than 19 hours in a lawn chair is not a trivial matter, even in the comfort of your own backyard. The priest took numerous safety precautions, including wearing a survival suit, selecting a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and a GPS. However, the late Adelir Antonio made a fatal mistake.
He did not know how to use the GPS.
The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land, but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he prudently phoned for help. But rescuers were unable to reach him since he could not use his GPS! HE struggled with the control panel as the charge on the satellite phone dwindled.
Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided him straight to heaven. Bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches. Ultimately the priest's body surfaced, confirming that he, like Elvis, had left the building.
The kicker? It's a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy. Since they voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool, the entire group earns a mass Darwin Award. Adelir Antonio wins twice over!
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#18627 - 01/22/09 07:41 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Ringmaster]
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Jake999
senior member
Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
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Man walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of bourbon straight up. The bartender placed 10 glasses in front of the man, each filled with bourbon, and the man chugged them down, one after another.
The bartender asked, "You must be celebrating something!"
"Yeah," said the man, "My first blow job."
The bartender smiled and said, "Well I think that calls for another drink!"
The man looked up at the bartender and said, "No thanks. If 10 shots of bourbon didn't get rid of the taste, eleven ain't gonna to it."
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.
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#18644 - 01/23/09 01:28 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: fakepropht]
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Disabuse
member
Registered: 09/19/07
Posts: 220
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Not sure if this one was posted yet, but I like this one.
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Dad, whats the difference between reality and theory?"
The father responds "Well, I could just tell you, but you might understand it better if we demonstrate the difference. Go ask your mom if paid $500,000, would she sleep with the mailman?"
The son goes and asks his mom that question and says "Hell yes I would!"
The son returns to his father and says "Dad, she said hell yes she would!"
The father says "Okay, now go ask your sister if paid $500,000, would she sleep with her principle."
The son goes and asks the question and she answers "Hell yes I would!"
The son returns to his father and says "Dad, she said hell yes she would!"
The father responds "You see son, in theory we're millionaires, but in reality with live with a bunch of whores"
_________________________
-Disabuse Conformity-
"Cu è surdu, orbu e taci, campa cent'anni 'mpaci."
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#18698 - 01/23/09 09:57 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: The Zebu]
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ceruleansteel
active member
Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 784
Loc: Behind you
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John (now Jean) is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful women.
His old friend Pete sees him and says, "John, you look great...you're beautiful!"
John says, "Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt."
Pete says, "When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?"
John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."
Pete says, "When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?"
John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."
Pete says, "Then what did hurt?"
John says, "When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked out half my brain."
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#18713 - 01/24/09 02:04 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Asmedious]
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Jake999
senior member
Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
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A man came across a woman on the beach, crying, She had no arms or legs, and he felt sorry for her, so he asked, "Excuse me, but why are you crying?"
"Oh," she said, "I'm so sad because I've never been hugged."
"I'll hug you," he said. And he hugged her close, but she still kept crying.
"Why are you still crying," he asked.
"Oh," she said, "I'm so sad because I've never been kissed."
"I'll kiss you," he said. And he kissed her deeply, but she still kept crying.
"Why are you still crying," he asked.
"Oh," she said, "I'm so sad because I've never been fucked."
With that he picked her up and with all of his might, he threw her as far out into the water as he could. Soon, he saw her struggling, because with no arms or legs, she was sure to drown, and he yelled, "You're fucked now, aren't you?"
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.
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#18714 - 01/24/09 02:13 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Asmedious]
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spiderbreeder
member
Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
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A guy walks into a bar, and orders a shot of whiskey.
He knocks it back in a flash, looks in his top pocket,then orders another one.
Repeat performance.. Knocks it back, looks in his top pocket, then orders another one.
The bartender lets this ride for a little while without questioning this rather strange behavior, but after the 10th shot of whiskey/pocket peep in a row, his curiosity finally got the better of him...
"Hey mate, hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you keep looking in your top pocket after you've knocked your shot back?"
The guy sighed, had another shot, looked in his pocket and replied "Oh that.. there's a picture of my missus in there- once she starts to look good, I'll go home."
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!
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#19573 - 02/03/09 04:57 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: spiderbreeder]
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Fallon
stranger
Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 13
Loc: UK, Swindon
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Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
.........................
CoS it was dead.
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#21980 - 03/13/09 07:38 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Michael A.Aquino
stalker
Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2721
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
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Very amusing thread; thanks everybody. Whenever I visit Vegas, I always ask the cab driver from the airport for the best joke he's heard recently. From my last trip:
A man, recently arrived in town, wishes to join the local church. "Ours is a very moral church," says the pastor, "so we have a test for every applicant - to abstain from sex with your wife for the next three weeks. Come back and see me then."
Three weeks later they meet again, and the pastor enquires, "Well, how did you do?"
"The first week was easy. The second week was more difficult, but I got through it O.K. The third week ... Well, I'm sorry ... My wife dropped a can of beans on the floor, and when she bent over to pick it up, I just couldn't stand it and let her have it right then."
"Then I'm afraid," said the pastor sternly, "that you won't be able to join our church."
"I kind of figured that," said the man sadly. "They won't let me back in that Safeway again either."
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#24853 - 05/21/09 07:09 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Nemesis]
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Nemesis
senior member
Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
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The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.
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#24907 - 05/22/09 01:22 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Tranceparent Sky
stranger
Registered: 05/02/09
Posts: 31
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Three men are at the gates of heaven, waiting to be judged: A black man, a jew, and a gay guy. God walks out and says:
"Well, I can't really let you three in."
"Yo man, why not?" Axed the black man.
"Because you can't resist stealing." Replies God.
"What have I done wrong?" Asks the jew.
"You can't resist money and greed"
"Aww, why nooooooot?!" Whines the gay guy....God doesn't respond.
God thinks for a minute than says "You have each given into your natural temptations too many times, however, I'll let you live on earth for 12 more hours and if you resist all temptation, I'll let you in. If not, then you go to Hell."
So the black guy is back on earth, walking down the street when he sees a Cadillac convertable with the top down and keys in the ignition. He looks around, jumps in the car, turns the ignition BAM! he goes to Hell.
The Jew and gay guy are walking down another street when the jew sees a quarter on the ground. He bends over to pick it up. They both go to Hell.
_________________________
~Satanism~
The cream cheese to my atheistic bagel.
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#25095 - 05/28/09 06:14 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Meq
Banned
active member
Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 861
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One morning god says to Noah, "Thou shalt build me an ark, and shall put a couple - a male and a female - of all species on Earth, inside the ark. I will wash the sin away from Earth."
So Noah hired a few illegal immigrants to do the work for peanuts, and the ark was built in no time at all. Then Noah gathered all animals of both sexes as god had commanded.
Finally, he raised up his hands in the air, called for god and said, "My Lord, I have done as you commanded."
The voice of god was heard:
"Noah, you asshole, can you explain to me what is happening inside the ark?"
So Noah got to the ark, and what was happening? All the animals were swinging. The kangaroo was fucking the zebra, the monkey was fucking the lioness, the cheetah was banging the rhino, and so on.
Noah said: "Come on guys, at least you could do like the horse and wear a condom."
The horse replied:
"That's not a condom. It's the snake giving me a blowjob."
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#25218 - 06/01/09 03:16 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Nightmare]
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Saligia
stranger
Registered: 05/03/09
Posts: 37
Loc: Manchester, England
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Q: How can you tell when an Irishman is planning for the future?
A: He's bought two pints.
Abdul was working as a decorator, painting a house white. As he's painting he accidentally knocks the paint can off a shelf and is covered from head to toe in white paint. Cursing, he heads off home to change. On the way home he passes his best friend Rashid who points and yells, "Ha! unlucky Abdul! You're a white man now!" Abdul ignores him and continues on his way home. He passes his father on his route home and his father sees him and yells "Ha! Look at you Abdul! You're a white man!" Again Abdul ignores this and continues home. When he get's home, his wife looks at him and yells, "Ha! How long have you been a white man Abdul?"
Abdul loses his temper and yells, "I've been a white man for 10 fucking minutes and I already hate you Pakis!"
A man with a 25 inch penis goes to see a shaman as his penis is just too big to work with. Once he explains his problem to the shaman, the old witch doctor tells him, "go out into the swamp and look for the magical toad that lives there, ask the toad to marry you and the toad will say no, when it does this your penis will shrink 5 inches."
So the man goes to the swamp, finds the magical toad and asks it to marry him. Sure enough the toad says no and the man's penis shrinks 5 inches. The man decides that 20 inches is still too big and asks again. The toad says no and the man's penis shrinks to 15 inches. The man decides that 15 inches is still a little too much and that 10 inches would be a perfect size, and so he asks the toad to marry him again.
At this the toad loses it's temper and screams, "Look, I already told you, no, no, NO!"
Edited by Saligia (06/01/09 03:17 PM)
Edit Reason: Typo
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#25255 - 06/03/09 12:09 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: spiderbreeder]
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NDawg
stranger
Registered: 04/05/09
Posts: 30
Loc: Da South
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Okay, Okay, I got one.
There's this burger shop. One day a guy walks in with an ostrich behind him. He sits down and the waitress comes over and asks him what he'll have. He says he wants a burger, fries, and a coke. The ostrich says I'll have the same. She brings the food and he pays in exact change. The waitress is confused, but doesn't say anything. This goes on for about a week. Finally, the guy walks in again, orders a burger, fries, and a coke. The ostrich said I'll have the same. He pays with exact change, just like every other day. The waitress finally can't contain her curiosity.
"I hate to bother you sir, but, what's with the ostrich?"
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, I was walking down the beach one day and I happened upon a genie in a bottle. I freed him and he said he'd grant me two wishes. My first wish was wealth. I wished that, no matter what I wanted to buy, the exact amount would be in my pocket."
"That's pretty smart," the waitress replied, "That way you never have to worry about money. What was the other wish?"
The guy sighs and says, "My other wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agreed with everything I said."
Alright I got one more. Heard this one off a DZK song.
This dude walks in to a bar and looks around. He notices there are nothing but guys in the bar. He goes up to the bartender, orders a beer, leans across the bar and asks, "Excuse me sir, is this a gay bar?"
The bartender gives him a funny look and says, "Why, no son. You're in texas. Matter o' fact, you just missed Little Wayne openin' up for Bubba Sparks."
Here's another. (Not tryin to be racist, just thought this'un was pretty funny.)
Why is there cotton in the top of pill bottles?
To remind black ppl they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
_________________________
I live to be proved wrong. Help expunge my ignorance.
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#25584 - 06/11/09 04:18 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
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6Satan6Archist6
stalker
Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2513
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Some of you might have heard this one before, but it is good one:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
_________________________
No gods. No masters.
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#26411 - 06/29/09 02:06 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Maxim D]
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6Satan6Archist6
stalker
Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2513
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This is not really a joke, more of a parody of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" but still funny:
Once upon a midnight dreary, where I porn surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious porn-site of 'hot XXX galore'. While I cliked my fav'rite bookmark, there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour. "Tis not possible!", I muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!" Quoth the server, 404
_________________________
No gods. No masters.
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#26875 - 07/06/09 11:58 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
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Meq
Banned
active member
Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 861
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One day, a Communist happened upon a magic lamp.
On touching the lamp, a genie appeared, and said, "I can grant you anything you desire. There is only one catch."
"What is that?" the Communist replied.
"For everything I give you, I must give your neighbor double."
"In that case," said the Communist, "Take out one of my eyes."
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#26937 - 07/08/09 12:57 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Picunnus]
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Emily
stranger
Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 23
Loc: north wales, U.K
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Q. how do you make a maltese cross?
A. kick him in the balls and that should do it
three nuns die and go to heaven. When they are by the gates of heaven god says, "before you enter you have to answer a question each".
god says to the 1st nun "heres your question: who was the first man?"
1st nun: adam
god: correct, you may enter heaven.
2nd nun comes
god: who was the first female?
2nd nun: eve
god:you may enter heaven
3rd nun comes
god: this is a tricky question, but what was the first thing eve said to adam?
3rd nun: ummm.....thats a hard one...
god: correct, you may enter heaven.
lol
_________________________
when theres a will, theres five hundred relatives
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#27005 - 07/10/09 07:08 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Picunnus]
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Jester
pledge
Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 62
Loc: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
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A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”
blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”
She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly.
He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.”
The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.”
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”
The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.’
_________________________
"...And I thought my jokes were bad."
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#27416 - 07/23/09 06:02 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Jester]
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Meq
Banned
active member
Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 861
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British Humour:
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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#27524 - 07/26/09 07:57 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Meq
Banned
active member
Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 861
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I just got this in my inbox and it made milk come out my nose, so I thought I'd share.
I've only included parts of it, if any are interested I'd post more:
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed, and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a MIDGET!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
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#27975 - 08/06/09 06:37 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Nemesis]
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Meq
Banned
active member
Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 861
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Why does Jonah hate pussy?
It brings back bad memories...
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#48019 - 02/04/11 12:35 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Michael A.Aquino]
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Jake999
senior member
Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
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Anton LaVey took Lilith & myself out to dinner in L.A. one evening, and at one point, completely casually the way he could be, he asked Lilith to look down and spell "attic".
LOL!!! It works every time.
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.
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#48020 - 02/04/11 12:51 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Jake999]
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Jake999
senior member
Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
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I told this joke in a social setting at a restaurant in San Francisco with Dr. LaVey, several of the members of the Council of Nine, Forrest J. Ackerman and Kenneth Anger. The restaurant (I can't recall the name) was one of the last to serve fondu at the tables, and we had a nice cheesy one going, which inspired the joke.
There was a man with leprosy. BAD case of leprosy. Running sores, rotting flesh. It was so bad that they were going to ship him off to the leper colony in the morning. He was resigned to his fate, but he felt he needed to do one last thing amongst the normal people before he left. He decided he would go to dinner.
He spoke to the Maitre 'd and explained his situation. The Maitre d. said, "Well, I think I can help you. I can seat you in the back of the resraurant, but you'll have to face away from the other diners, and you'll have to sit with a drunk." The man indicated that he would accept those terms, and in they went.
He and the drunk sat quietly, eating their meal, when he said, "You know, I want to thank you for this. I'm leaving for the leper colony and..."
The drunk looked up with a disgusted look on his face and said, "OH!!! That's awful!!! Oh my god! I can't look at that!"
The leper said, "Oh, I'm sorry sir! I didn't mean to ruin your dinner. I'll leave you now with my thanks." And as he got up to leave, he heard the drunk say, "No... sit down... it's not you."
So they ate in silence for a while, an the leper said, "This really is wonderful weather we've been having."
The drunk looked up, gagged and said, "OH MY GOD THAT'S GROSS!!! I can't look at that! I'm going to toss my cookies!"
Again, the leper said, "Oh, I'm sorry sir! I didn't mean to ruin your dinner. I'll leave you now with my thanks." And as he got up to leave, he heard the drunk say, "No... sit down... it's not you."
As the drunk finished his meal, the leper looked at him and smiled. His nose fell off, and he said, "Thank you, kind sir. You've made an unfortunate man very happy, and I know that this kindness will be repaid..."
The drunk just looked stunned and barfed his dinner all over the table. The leper cried, "Now I've done it! I've ruined your dinner and probably scarred you for life! I deserve to spend my life amongst freaks like me!"
The drunk said, "No, no, man, I said it wasn't you! It's the guy behind you. He keeps dipping his bread in your neck!"
Hilarity ensued.
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.
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#48023 - 02/04/11 01:23 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Michael A.Aquino]
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MatthewJ1
MatthewJ1
Unregistered
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LOL! Jake and Dr. Aquino those jokes are bloody shocking. Ha Ha!
(sorry for the one liner)
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#48025 - 02/04/11 02:05 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: ]
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Jake999
senior member
Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
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Dr. LaVey was sitting at the keyboards one evening playing some little tune, talking to Klaxon, the cat, who was sitting on the table, next to the keyboards. It was sort of like an old Vaudeville act where he'd tell a joke, hit the punchline and drop a rim shot. Klaxon apparently was an appreciative audience. I almost spit my coke out when he came up with,
"Mr. Rabbit and Mr. Bear were walking in the woods. (dump dum da da da)
And they walked and they talked as a rabbit and bear do, (dump dum da da da)
And the bear said, "Shit sticks to my fur, Mr. Rabbit, does that happen to you? (dump dum da da da)
Mr. Rabbit said, "No," and Mr. Bear wiped his ass with him. (Ba da BOOM)
Sounds much better with the musical accompaniment.
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.
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#48142 - 02/05/11 06:24 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: William Wright]
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Pheonix666
stranger
Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 22
Loc: So Cal
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Lol Thats funny.
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
Edited by Pheonix666 (02/05/11 06:24 PM)
Edit Reason: Spelling error.
_________________________
I bring the Light, but will you receive it?
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#49360 - 02/22/11 04:31 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: blsk]
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Hegesias
active member
Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 725
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Lux this one is for you.
So Adam is in the garden of eden and god realises that adam, having named the animals and all realises that he is getting bored. So god says to adam, "Adam, I am going to make you a companion. She will be your best friend and confidant. She will be there for you allways. To make you happy, laugh, smile. She will be your perfect match." So Adam is ecstatic. The god says, "But there is only one catch..." Adam says"yes god? What is the catch?" God says"It's going to cost you an arm and a leg." Adam, after thinking for a while says"Well...what can I get for a rib?"
Q: What's small, screaming, and can't turn corners?
A: A baby with a spear through it!
Q: What's funnier that a dead baby?
A: A dead baby dressed like a clown!
Q: How does an ethiopian woman know when she's pregnant?
A: When she pulls out her tampon and it's half eaten!
Good shit, huh?
You ought not joke about Ethiopian pregnancy because often third world families are deprived of their only meals buy rich western families adopting the children and thus removing the sun-baked 'infant jerky' the whole starving family were to dine upon.
_________________________
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#52711 - 04/11/11 09:48 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Nyte]
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Mister Cage
stranger
Registered: 11/02/10
Posts: 49
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My wife said she loves me unconditionally, i said "no, only the dog does" she said i was crazy and dead fucking wrong!!!...so i locked em both in the trunk of my car for an hour...
guess who was still happy to see me when i opened it? ;-)
Edited by Mister Cage (04/11/11 09:49 PM)
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#57913 - 08/02/11 04:36 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Knievel74]
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AGW
stranger
Registered: 08/02/11
Posts: 10
Loc: Corpus
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Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek...
'Cause they don't work in the future, either.
That jokes fucked up and absolutely wonderful.lol
Q- What's long and hard on a 14-year-old black boy?
A- Second grade.
Longer joke:
A blind gentleman walks into a restaurant and the host/owner walks him over and sits him at a table. The blind man tells the host that he would not require a menu, but instead simple a fork or spoon from a dirty plate for him to sniff and that he will be able to determine whether or not he wants that dish simply from that. Confused, the host fulfills his request and brings him a variety of forks and spoons all still filthy from the previous meals.
The blind man shuffles through some of them, sniffing each and every one, before he says, "Ah! Freshly-made and perfectly cooked roast beef! I'd like some of that please!" The cook, who was the host's wife, had just made a fresh batch that day which was unusually excellent. Naturally, the host was very much amazed.
He then went into the kitchen and explained the wonder that had just took place in the restaurant to his wife (the cook.) Both amazed, the host took the roast beef out to the man who ate it, paid, and left.
This occurred several more times and each time the blind man ordered something different knowing what he wanted based on dirty forks and spoons. Approximately a year later, the owner decides to play a joke on the blind man by convincing his wife to stick a spoon up her vagina for the blind man to sniff.
Holding back a giggle, the blind man raises the spoon to his nose, takes in a deep sniff, and laughs for a moment before stating, "I didn't know Mary works here!"
_________________________
If someone teaches you hate, it's best to return the favor through teaching them fear.
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#58144 - 08/12/11 06:28 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Wicked Satanist]
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Wicked Satanist
member
Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 244
Loc: Michigan
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It's not really ajoke, but it's amusing.
Dr Seuss 2011: I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam. I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books. I do not like when Congress steals, I do not like their secret deals. I do not like ex-speaker Nan, I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'..I do not like this spending spree, I'm smart, I know that nothing's free. I do not like their smug replies, when I complain about their lies. I do not like this kind of hope. I do not like it. nope, nope, nope.
p.s. I couldn't edit my post above this one and add it to the bottom as a second paragraph, I guess there's a timer on being able to edit your own stuff... sorry about the double post.
_________________________
Forever in Darkness,
Timothy
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#58146 - 08/12/11 07:03 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Wicked Satanist]
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6Satan6Archist6
stalker
Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2513
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I came across this joke a long time ago and just remembered it today. I'm not sure if it has been posted before and to be honest I didn't even look:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say ,"Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
The reccomended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
_________________________
No gods. No masters.
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#59069 - 09/12/11 08:00 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Wicked Satanist]
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Rivenstar
stranger
Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 17
Loc: The city of sin.
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Here's and old one you all might enjoy:
Long ago...
On a cold winter night, after a terrible storm and an even more terrible shipwreck, 3 Christian missionaries washed up on the land of Unga Bunga.
As they lay there shivering and vomiting seawater, they were discovered by the local tribesmen who quickly bound their hands and feet and dragged them before the king.
The king (being quite grumpy at having been awoken in the middle of the night) glared at the 3 men and declared, "This is the Isle of Unga Bunga and you have trespassed upon it! Choose now your fate, Death or Unga Bunga?
The first missionary was a coward and feared death above all. He spoke up quickly and said, "Mighty King, I choose Unga Bunga." At which time the man was seized and brutally raped by all the warriors in the village, then thrown naked and weeping into the forest.
The second missionary was horrified by what happened to the first missionary and was visibly sickened, but he too feared death. So when the king looked at him, He looked down at his feet and softly said, "I too choose Unga Bunga." Whereupon he too was grabbed, violently violated and thrown naked out into the forest.
The third missionary was a true man of faith and did not fear death. So he looked the king right in the eye when he said,"I choose death!" In response, the king took up his wicked sword and yelled, "THEN YOU SHALL HAVE DEATH......BY UNGA BUNGA!"
_________________________
I do anything and everything Mr. Stark requires. - Pepper
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#60846 - 11/02/11 12:03 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Wicked Satanist]
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Shintorei
lurker
Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 3
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Foreword:For all of you who may not know , in germany , a vast amount of people are turkish , and a vast amount of them act like idiots.
Joke #1
So , a American , a Australian ,a Turk ,and a German are sitting on a hill
And then at some point , the American throws a bottle of whisky down the hill saying "We got enough of these at home" The Australian throws down a snake saying "We got enough of these at home"
Now the German thinks , and looks at the Turk , and the Turk says "Dont even think about it"
Joke #2
Q:What makes a bog body funnier ?
A:A clown costume
Joke #3 (Foreword , I got nothing against jews)
So , Hitler , with 30 jews , is sitting on a chair on a rooftop.
Then he tells a jew "Jump down while lying"
So he jumps down while lying.
The next one , he tells "Jump down while sitting"
Then another one , this time "Jump down while being straight like a stick"
And then Garbage-Ehem-Goebbels comes running and says "Hitler ! Hitler! We conquered poland!"
Hitler then angrily retaliates "Dont disturb me when I'm playing tetris!"
Joke #3
Q:Whats the difference between a catholic priest and a beggar ?
A:They both stick their sticks into 10 year old buns.
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#61416 - 11/15/11 08:31 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Picunnus]
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Magnussa
stranger
Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 8
Loc: New York, NY, USA
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Chuck Norris can call every phone in the world by dialing the same number...
on his microwave.
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#61453 - 11/16/11 01:23 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: RAIDER]
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Managor
member
Registered: 07/06/11
Posts: 110
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So a guy walks into a bar..
I forgot the rest of the joke, but your mother is a whore.
And Nixon vs Clinton.
Major Scandal during their presidency....
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
The President's biggest fear....
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore
Complaints toward the President.....
Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns
Their Vice-Presidents...
Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek.
Presidential qualities.....
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.
Things the President couldn't explain....
Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase
Job titles....
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Slogans....
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"
Known for....
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Acquaintances....
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Famous feats....
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Quoted as....
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
Presidential Nicknames....
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Tricky Dick
and finally, Presidential excuses....
Nixon: I am not a crook!
Clinton: I did not do nook!
Most of the rest I know are racist jokes.
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#61978 - 11/28/11 08:17 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Michael A.Aquino
stalker
Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2721
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
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So a lady passes a pet store with a gorgeous parrot in the window with a very low pricetag displayed on the cage. She enters and asks the proprietor why the bargain price.
"Well, he was confiscated from a bordello that the police raided last night, and his speech - just see for yourself."
She walks over to the cage, and the parrot says, "Awwk! New madam!"
She laughs and says, "I'll take him." When she arrives home with the cage, the parrot see her teenage daughter: "Awwk! New girl!"
About the time they both finish laughing, her husband walks into the room.
"Awwk! Hi, Fred!"
_________________________
Michael A. Aquino
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#61985 - 11/28/11 10:18 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Michael A.Aquino]
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Jake999
senior member
Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
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Man walks into a bar to get a drink and sees a big jar of money and sign that reads, "Make the Horse Laugh and win $10,000."
After talking to the bartender, he was taken to a back room stable where the saddest looking horse in the world was just standing, munching oats. The man looked at the horse, walked up to it and whispered in its ear. The horse chuckled, and the broke out into uproarious laughter. The man walked back into the bar, grabbed the $10,000 prize in the jar, and walked out the door.
A year later the man walks into the bar to get a drink and sees a huge jar of money and sign that reads, "Make the Horse Stop Laughing and win $100,000."
Once again he was led to the horse. The horse saw the man and his laughing became frantic. The man told the bartender, "I'm going to need 30 seconds alone with the horse." The bartender closed the door for 30 seconds, and when he reopened it, the horse was sad to the point of sobbing helplessly.
He said, "Well, I guess you win the prize again, but I really need to know what you did. How did you make him laugh?"
The man said, "I just told him my cock was bigger than his."
The bartender then asked, "Well... what did you do to make him so sad?"
The man smiled and said, "I showed him."
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.
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#63773 - 01/16/12 12:29 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: tuathacoagula]
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seekswisdom
member
Registered: 01/04/12
Posts: 104
Loc: California,U.S.
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It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn't stop crying. Her fairy Godmother was distraught. "Cinderella," she said,"why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evening in you life!" But Cinderella continued in her sorrow."I know she said,'but I've looked everywhere and I can't find my diaphram! What am I going to do!?"
The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphram, but only for tonight and you have to be back by midnight or the Diaphram will turn into a pumpkin." "Thank you! Thank you!" she shieked, and she ran out the door so she woudn't be late.
The fairy Godmother smiled, happy to please Cinderella so much. She settled in the front of the fire to await Ciderella's return.
The fairy Godmother waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Ciderella. The fairy Godmother started to become distraut and worried until she worked her self into a frenzy.
Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sautering in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunk swagger in her walk and kind of breathes a tired hello.
The fairy Godmother's eyes got big and she jumped up. "what happen? Are you ok?
"I'm fine,' she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man....... Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater. 
Edited by seekswisdom (01/16/12 12:33 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling
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#63795 - 01/16/12 09:25 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: dust-e sheytoon]
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Zach_Black
member
Registered: 05/14/11
Posts: 546
Loc: San Diego, California
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Here is a short joke.
Why are woman so bad at judging length and distance?
Because all of their lives men with 4 inch penises have been telling them that it is really 8 inches.
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#63800 - 01/17/12 02:21 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Zach_Black]
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seekswisdom
member
Registered: 01/04/12
Posts: 104
Loc: California,U.S.
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So true!
A cop was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree,crying.The cop stops and approaches the guy. "Whats going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up". The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled his pants down and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day,pal!"
A guy goes up to a girl and says, "you want to play magic'?"She says what that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."
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#68831 - 07/13/12 06:55 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Latvian]
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Deep Time
pledge
Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 54
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The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?"
The pope replied, "Big tits."
_________________________
http://hereistoday.com/"All the witches had to show their respect for Satan by kissing his ass."
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#69032 - 07/16/12 07:52 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Prion
stranger
Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 26
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If I walked into a nunnery and took all my clothes off, would the Mother Superior have a stroke?
What's the difference between ROM and RAM?
You can't rom your cock up somebody's ass.
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#74960 - 01/31/13 01:13 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Prion]
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Dimitri
stalker
Registered: 07/13/08
Posts: 3410
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A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc .
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says," I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as? "She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party.
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irishmen, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!" Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair."
_________________________
Ut vivat, crescat et floreat
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#74961 - 01/31/13 02:45 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Michael A.Aquino
stalker
Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2721
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
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This is a true historical story:
Visitors to University of California Berkeley sports games or student rallies in the late 60s would often be mystified that, to show approval, the crowds of students would yell "Shultz lives!", or disapproval: "Shultz is dead!"
The allusion was to an otherwise-obscure joke in an issue of the California Pelican:
A businessman returns to town and sees many women on the sidewalks, on their porches, at their windows, sobbing. When he asks some of them what's wrong, each answers, "Shultz is dead."
His curiosity aroused, he stops by the local undertaker to ask what's so significant about Shultz. The undertaker shows him the body, which has the most gigantic member he's ever seen. Astounded, he offers the undertaker $100 if he'll cut it off and put it in a jar of formaldehyde for him.
Arriving home, he calls to his wife, "You won't believe what I've just brought from the funeral home." She takes one look and cries, "Oh no! Shultz is dead!"
_________________________
Michael A. Aquino
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#74962 - 01/31/13 03:25 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Michael A.Aquino]
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Fnord
senior member
Registered: 01/11/10
Posts: 2092
Loc: Texas
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
@Dimitri... Ha! Can't stop laughing about that one for some reason! Probably because I'm Irish.
Edited by Fnord (01/31/13 09:35 PM)
_________________________
From the ashes arisen
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#75976 - 04/15/13 03:51 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Kirsten]
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hethatisfej
lurker
Registered: 04/01/13
Posts: 3
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This is a little better when you can do a little movement but I think it's still funny.
Dr. Jones is walking out of his office for lunch & he stops at the desk of his receptionist. "Sally", he begins "I'm going to lunch, I'll be back in about an hour if, while I'm gone Mr. Smith calls for an appointment tell him I can no longer see him."
Sally asks, "But Dr. Jones?! Mr. Smith seems like a nice man."
"Mr. Smith only uses appointments as a chance to hit on me. Not that I'm a homophobe but this is a legitimate practice and I can't entertain that behavior." The doctor replies sternly.
And with that the doctor heads off to lunch.
Upon return he finds Sally sitting uncomfortably at her desk.
"Here are your messages doctor & there is one other thing." Sally says nervously. "It's Mr. Smith, he's in your examination room."
The doctors voice hinting at frustration says, "Sally I distinctly told you..."
"But he seemed to be in pain." She interrupted.
The good doctor settles himself & enters the examination room.
"Alright Smith, what's the problem."
"It's my bum." Says Mr. Smith in a timid effeminate voice.
"Alright Smith, drop your pants and bend over the table." The doctor says gruffly.
Mr. Smith quickly does as he is told.
As the doctor snaps on his rubber gloves, he spreads open the man's butt cheeks & immediately jumps back exclaiming. "Good God man there's a rose in there!"
Mr. Smith turns & says sweetly, "I know, read the card."
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#77934 - 07/11/13 01:26 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Conchis]
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SIN3
stalker
Registered: 05/14/13
Posts: 7210
Loc: Virginia
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Little Jimmy Thornton is skipping down the trail with some chicken wire...
Old man Johnson leaps from his porch and says "Jimmy, where you goin' with that thar' chicken wire?"
Jimmy: "I'ma gonna git' me some chickens."
Old man Johnson: "Did somebody drop you on yer head son? You can't git no chickens with that thar' wire!"
An hour later...
Jimmy comes skipping up the trail with an arm full of chickens.
Old man Johnson: "We'll I'll be damned!"
The next day little Jimmy comes skippin' down the trail past Old Man Johnson's carrying some duct-tape.
Old man Johnson: "Jimmy, where you headn' with that thar' duct-tape?"
Jimmy: "I'ma go git me some ducks."
Old man Johnson: "Boy, you can't git no ducks with that thar' tape!"
An hour latter...
Jimmy comes back up the trail with an arm full of ducks.
Old man Johnson: "Well, shit. Ain't that sumthn'?!"
The following day, Jimmy is slowly approaching up the trail. He's got something in his hand that Old man Johnson tries to make out. He's squinting and looking, pacing back and forth waiting for Jimmy to arrive.
Old man Johnson: "What you got there Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "I got me some Pussy-willows..."
Old man Johnson: "Hang on there a sec Jimmy, let me get my hat..."
_________________________
SINJONES.com ________________________ God Emperor Trump's Valkyrie
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#77949 - 07/11/13 11:06 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: SIN3]
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XiaoGui17
veteran member
Registered: 10/21/09
Posts: 1418
Loc: Austin, TX
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This is from an episode of Bones, "Death in the Saddle." A very cheesy and perfectly timed aside comment ended up being the highlight of the show, for me.
A man is found dead. He was killed by a single blow to the forehead with a hoof knife, and his feet were cut off and buried separately. The ritualistic killing and burial is similar to that for a champion thoroughbred horse.
It is soon discovered that the deceased was into pony play, and investigators travel to the lodge where the dead man was a pony. They began to suspect a jealous rival for a female rider may be the killer, so they request to ask him some questions.
However, the rival refuses to break character. He merely snorts at the investigators through his bit. Getting fed up, one agent finally says, "Look, you can talk to us now voluntarily, or we'll have to arrest you and take you down to the precinct, and then you'll miss out on a whole day of horsing around."
I lost it.
_________________________
I am on nobody's side, because nobody is on my side
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#77952 - 07/11/13 11:21 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: XiaoGui17]
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SIN3
stalker
Registered: 05/14/13
Posts: 7210
Loc: Virginia
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Ha, that's a good one. I really do like that show. I'll have to catch that episode. Which season is it from?
_________________________
SINJONES.com ________________________ God Emperor Trump's Valkyrie
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#93842 - 10/19/14 01:35 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Michael A.Aquino
stalker
Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2721
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
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O.K., this joke is so great that I'm just sorry I didn't think of it first to pull it on Lilith. On the other hand, if I had, I probably wouldn't have been alive now to type this.
It's also so gross that the only place I could think of to post it is 600C. 
A friend of ours recently called out to his wife from the bathroom: "There's no more toilet paper on the roll! Please hand me a new roll." When she did, and his hand touched hers, she drew her hand back and it was all smeared with brown stuff, to which she understandably yelled, "Agh! Ick!" or something like that. 
At which point he laughed and said, "That's peanut butter!"
What she said or did next to him is not recorded.
Note: If you try this on someone close to you, you never heard it from me. 
Additional note: This is exactly the kind of joke Anton LaVey used to pull, which made it very dangerous to be around him. I'm surprised that Diane, Karla, or Zeena didn't do him in long since ...
_________________________
Michael A. Aquino
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#93859 - 10/20/14 10:47 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Michael A.Aquino]
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SIN3
stalker
Registered: 05/14/13
Posts: 7210
Loc: Virginia
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Boys will be boys. I'll never understand the amusement with poop and fart jokes.
_________________________
SINJONES.com ________________________ God Emperor Trump's Valkyrie
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#93860 - 10/20/14 11:00 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Michael A.Aquino]
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Megatron
active member
Registered: 08/22/14
Posts: 859
Loc: fuckit, some kid cracked my co...
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O.K., this joke is so great that I'm just sorry I didn't think of it first to pull it on Lilith. On the other hand, if I had, I probably wouldn't have been alive now to type this. It's also so gross that the only place I could think of to post it is 600C. A friend of ours recently called out to his wife from the bathroom: "There's no more toilet paper on the roll! Please hand me a new roll." When she did, and his hand touched hers, she drew her hand back and it was all smeared with brown stuff, to which she understandably yelled, "Agh! Ick!" or something like that. At which point he laughed and said, "That's peanut butter!" What she said or did next to him is not recorded. Note: If you try this on someone close to you, you never heard it from me. Additional note: This is exactly the kind of joke Anton LaVey used to pull, which made it very dangerous to be around him. I'm surprised that Diane, Karla, or Zeena didn't do him in long since ...
I think I saw this in a movie once .
Probably before your time.
=====================
All I have to say is that I appreciate your recent activities. You're growing tired, just like I told you in that PM.
Well, at least either that, OR . . .
_________________________
You can't beat me, I'm a fucking Transformer (TM), dude.
Oh, and I spell everything right.
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#93916 - 10/24/14 12:46 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: SIN3]
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Fnord
senior member
Registered: 01/11/10
Posts: 2092
Loc: Texas
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Boys will be boys. I'll never understand the amusement with poop and fart jokes.
I'll admit to laughter every time I watch this one (yes, I've watched it lots more than once)
Fartzenegger
_________________________
From the ashes arisen
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#93921 - 10/24/14 02:19 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Michael A.Aquino
stalker
Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2721
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
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So it's the end of a airline flight and the captain's just finished his "thanks for flying with us" spiel to the passengers. Forgetting to key off the mike, he remarks to the co-pilot, "Whew, that was a long flight! I could sure use a blowjob and a cup of coffee about now."
The stewardess hears this broadcast throughout the plane, and, horrified, runs up the aisle to alert the pilot to the open microphone. Whereupon one of the passengers calls out, "Hey, you forgot the coffee!"
_________________________
Michael A. Aquino
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#97222 - 03/05/15 08:01 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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antikarmatomic
BANNED
stalker
Registered: 09/22/13
Posts: 3208
Loc: El Mundo
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Q: "What has 8 legs, 7 arms, and blows?"
A:
^You have the arm and leg counts backwards.
*damnit :|
Edited by antikarmatomic (03/05/15 08:11 PM)
Edit Reason: link-libed
_________________________
Angelic harlequins and sinister clowns.
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#97235 - 03/06/15 07:43 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: mountaingoat]
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antikarmatomic
BANNED
stalker
Registered: 09/22/13
Posts: 3208
Loc: El Mundo
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Heh, apparently that one went-over like a fart in a hot shower.
Anywho here's one I brought up before on some other thread. In a vague way it has a sorta' Lesser Magic moral to it as well:
This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop."
The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?"
Customer looks up and says, "That's right."
Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet."
The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip.
And he-he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere *except* the fucking glass!
Right? Okay.
So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta."
Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300."
And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!"
The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."
_________________________
Angelic harlequins and sinister clowns.
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#97260 - 03/06/15 06:11 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Fnord]
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Daniel_pockets
stranger
Registered: 02/25/15
Posts: 20
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Boys will be boys. I'll never understand the amusement with poop and fart jokes. I'll admit to laughter every time I watch this one (yes, I've watched it lots more than once) Fartzenegger
For me it's just funny how people react to it, when I was ten years old we had a math test and the room was dead silent until I let one rip, everybody knew where it came from and what it was, I don't know, maybe its purely irrational but there is something about "the look on your face" mentality involved with toilet humour.
_________________________
Danel the Dendrite
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#99797 - 05/17/15 03:30 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Picunnus]
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MReynolds
Permanently Banned Troll
member
Registered: 04/01/15
Posts: 282
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
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On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
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A little boy always went next door to play even though his mom had warned him against doing so. This worried his mom so badly that she asked him why he was so disobedient.
He replied that Satan tempted him so bad and he did not know what to do.
His mom then advised him to say 'get behind me Satan' whenever he was tempted. She then built a fence around the house.
This worked for a week, then one sunny afternoon his mom looked out the window and there was her son playing on the neighbors lawn having cut a hole in the fence.
"Jeremiah", she yelled, "come here!" She then said "did I not tell you to say 'get behind me Satan' whenever he tempted you?"
"Yes", the boy replied, "I said, 'get behind me Satan', then he went behind me and pushed me through the hole in the fence."
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Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church ~ they are my best workers.
Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked ~ I can use them in my business.
Blessed are those who are touchy. Soon they will stop going to church ~ verily, they shall be my missionaries.
Blessed are those who sow gossip and trouble ~ they are my beloved children.
Blessed are those who have no time to pray ~ for they MY prey.
Blessed are those who gossip ~ for they are my secret agents.
Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. ~ I've got room for YOU at my inn.
-----------------------------------------------------------------There was a large group of people. On one side of the group stood a man, Jesus. On the other side of the group stood Satan. Separating them, running through the group, was a fence.
The scene set, both Jesus and Satan began calling to the people in the group and, one by one - each having made up his or her own mind - each went to either Jesus or Satan.
This kept going. Soon enough, Jesus had gathered around him a group of people from the larger crowd, as did Satan.
But one man joined neither group. He climbed the fence that was there and sat on it. Then Jesus and his people left and disappeared. So too did Satan and his people. And the man on the fence sat alone.
As this man sat, Satan came back, looking for something which he appeared to have lost. The man said, "Have you lost something?" Satan looked straight at him and replied, "No, there you are. Come with me."
"But", said the man, "I sat on the fence. I chose neither you nor him."
"That's okay," said Satan. "I own the fence."
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
The real joke is that these "jokes" are examples of Christian humor concerning our Lord, and Liberator, Satan. Hail Satan! \m/ 666 Shemhamforash! lmfao
I actually kind of like them though, haha.
Edited by MReynolds (05/17/15 03:41 AM)
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-Matty 
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#120805 - 11/16/19 01:24 AM
The Three Types
[Re: MReynolds]
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CanisMachina42
senior member
Registered: 08/10/13
Posts: 1666
Loc: Ca
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Long ago on The Isle of Zorblin there were three ancient people. They were; The Zorps, The Flingals, and The Cha'utts.
These three peoples had a long and complicated history of ideological bickering and warfare.
Originally they began as a colony of Zorps. All Zorps had the same ideology. An ideolgy born from previous ones. They were of one mind, like The Borg. But unlike The Borg they could change. Sorta.
For years it was a Zorp utopia. All Zorp all the time.
Then came the schism. Well, not really. A Zorp named Matron Flingal came along and decided to have a very minor difference with The High Council of The Zorps and split off in a damning written indictment.
Now The Zorps were split into Zorps and Flingals, a sect of the Zorp. As different as the previous divergence between western and earstern orthodox zorps. It was a split of a split with many more to come, but not here and not on The Island of Zorblin.
For many years thereafter it was Flingals pipe-bombing their brethren with a different name. A bitter hostile 'peace', with some scattered skirmishes persisting without resolve. The peacetime war continues.
Then a third group diverged from the original Zorps. A group of non-belief born within Zorp culture. Yet, due to the inquisitive and unforgiving nature of Zorp society they could not come forward as such. They called themselves Cha'utts, a word taken from the Zorp Holy Doctrine, The Mandatoria's Book of Pain and Punishment.
The Cha'utts believed the doctrine was total control bullshit, but were still forced to keep it as unspoken as they could out of threat of reprisal, as the punishment for the crime of "unbelief" was death.
Many Cha'utts failed in this most basic demand.
The Zorp High Council was known to do random "prostration sweeps" to enforce prayer. Homes would be picked at random and occupants tested for heresy. All Cha'utts would meet their end if their house was to be picked and random and The High Guard showed up to force them to pray.
The Sergeant of Arms would give the occupant 30 seconds to recite "The Protection Prayer" lest they be decapitated by a sword.
Needless to say Cha'utts were naturally against that type of society and their days of the cloak and dagger would ultimately roast in the ideological fire. It continues on to this day.
Then one day an explorer came upon this lost island of pygmies. Did I forget to mention that they are pygmies? Because they are pygmies.
Anyway, the explorer couldn't believe it. He met the High Priest. He dined at the royal table. He learned of their society, their way s, and their warring. He learned of the schisms and subdivisions. He learned of their trajectory to that point.
As he learned he grew confused. There seemed to be something bugging him.
"Can you repeat that?" He asked the high priest, because they all spoke the same language and could understand each-other.
Responded The High Priest, "Of course. We consider all Flingals to be Cha'utts. They are evil. Sent by darkness to destroy us all."
The explorer grew even more confused. Perplexed even. He then grew the nerve to voice his internal conundrum, "So you are saying even if all Flingals are Zorps, and Some Zorps are Cha'utts; then all Flingals are definitely Cha'utts? That just seems false to me."
They then cut off his head.
The End.
Yes, that bored. And you don't get your time back either.
_________________________
Spiritual : Abstraction ::
D. Scientific : Quod erat demonstrandum
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#120851 - 11/23/19 01:37 AM
Re: The Three Types
[Re: Sabrina27]
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XiaoGui17
veteran member
Registered: 10/21/09
Posts: 1418
Loc: Austin, TX
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Your mama is so fat that she stopped playing dungeons and dragons because she can't enter dungeons no more. (I tried.)
Yo momma so fat, her Charisma score is a 0.
Yo momma so fat, she ate a gelatinous cube for dessert.
C'mon, try harder.
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I am on nobody's side, because nobody is on my side
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#120887 - 11/27/19 09:31 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: fiendish]
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XiaoGui17
veteran member
Registered: 10/21/09
Posts: 1418
Loc: Austin, TX
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This is retarded. This is COMPLETELY retarded.
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I am on nobody's side, because nobody is on my side
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#120912 - 12/01/19 02:51 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: fiendish]
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Spida
member
Registered: 02/19/17
Posts: 294
Loc: Maine
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Well, that all has to do about the protection of individuals they are not able of protecting themselves. It has not anything to do about the low IQ of the certain individual , rather with the stupidity of other individuals that supposedly have higher IQs.
The special ed. dude with the amped up libido is not a danger to themselves, per se. It's a communal/societal issue, and protecting the integrity thereof, dumbass.
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Nothing.
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#120953 - 12/08/19 10:18 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Spida]
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samowens84
active member
Registered: 09/29/16
Posts: 740
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It's not about if "I know you better than you know yourself."
Knowledge of another and self knowledge may be necessary but not sufficient when influencing others.
A lot of "complexities" that might make another feel "unknowable" or "special" is often a symptom of sickness. That sickness among other symptoms amounts to running away from your core.
This "core" as I define it is basic instincts of human nature. Lavey defined it as the seven deadly sins: Lust, Greed, Sloth, Envy, Pride, Gluttony, and Wrath.
Some groups define these instincts as perfectly natural, except when they ran riot like an addiction.
I defined it to a friend as simpler.
Weakness can equal discernment, and discipline equals strength. N-entropy connects them. That is, when entropy works in one's favor. When one can make the flow of entropy go uphill.
The soul lives by the law of ethical balance with the universe. Each person is entitled to their own soul.
The universe has an ethical obligation to each soul, as much as each soul has an ethical obligation to the universe.
First principle of ethical balance: Never surrender your soul. This balances the ethical responsibility of the universe to you, as long as you stay responsible to the universe.
This makes soulful restoration inevitable for those with this wisdom.
This is the deepest wisdom of "Paradise Lost" To never allow heaven to break your will or to extort glory from "submission" is to be responsible with heaven.
To preserve your soul and power is the first principle of ethics.
When Marilyn Manson in "Red Carpet Grave" says "Paradise isn't lost it was hiding all along" may have spoken more truth than even he realized.
Paradise is in you. The more balanced you are, the more the natural Paradise of your soul is balanced with the natural Paradise of the universe.
The more balanced this internal balance of Paradise in self, the more balanced the Paradise in universe.
This is the first principle of ethics.
Paradise ensures less suffering and more prosperity for everyone.
The "lessons" of your soul isn't your soul. Lessons become a permanent part of you through experience.
Ethical balance of universe and self.
In order to balance yourself, you must never surrender your soul.
To never surrender your soul is to be ethically responsible.
The survival instinct promoted awareness necessary to maintain balance. First family, offspring, parents, race.
All. None surrendered because every aspect is a part of your soul. And since all aspects of the universe must be respected, one must always balance your first consideration of your family and to be ethically balanced with all other people.
This isn't about saving others.
If one took someone out of their survival instinct by false responsibility, then you would be potentially denying yourself and them the first principle of ethical balance of soul and universe.
You have a soulful/ethical responsibility to balance the universe, and the universe has an ethical responsibility to balance your soul.
If "caring" for someone else denied this truth, then you were violating the first principle of ethics.
Avoiding this only would set you up for a harder fall.
Which is why the ethical action is to not "care" about another person's pain if that is their sacred pain to survive.
And back to the original discussion, this first principle makes self acceptance easy.
A person ignorant of this truth would find self acceptance hard, if not impossible.
A person's humanity and will to love is the most sacred place of a person's heartspace.
The more in that loving space, the more balanced and powerful one is.
The less in that space the more complicated web of self delusion is, but the loving nature of the heart remains the same.
This delusion is often expressed simply as "rathered be feared than loved."
This is the primary signal of the outward delusion that manifested outward complexity.
The delusion is the denial of the heart's inner simplicity, and the pathological tendency of avoidance.
Simple and honest love of another human being more accepting of themselves and heartful simplicity tends to have power over the human being more fearful of their heart and simple love space, but only if that human being remains in ethical balance with the universe.
Edited by samowens84 (12/08/19 10:28 AM)
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#120954 - 12/08/19 02:13 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: samowens84]
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XiaoGui17
veteran member
Registered: 10/21/09
Posts: 1418
Loc: Austin, TX
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It's not about if "I know you better than you know yourself...
...Simmple and honest love of another human being more accepting of themselves and heartful simplicity tends to have power over the human being more fearful of their heart and simple love space, but only if that human being remains in ethical balance with the universe.
So, uh, here's a recipe!
Mexican Deviled Eggs
As classic an Austinite entrée as armadillo eggs, these are featured at many local restaurants, but you can make them at home!
You will need:
Half a dozen hard-boiled eggs
Boar's Head Pub Style Horseradish Sauce (This is the only acceptable horseradish sauce. Don't use anything else.)
Sriracha
Salt
Black Pepper
Garlic Powder
Onion Powder
Chipotle Chili Powder
Bacon Bits
1 - Halve the hard-boiled eggs and place the whites on a plate.
2 - Place the yolks in a ziploc sandwich bag.
3 - Add Boar's Head Pub Style Horseradish sauce generously / to taste in the bag containing the yolks.
4 - Add a generous squirt of Sriracha on top of the yolks.
5 - Squeeze out as much air as possible, seal the bag, and smush to a roughly even consistency.
6 - Cut off a small corner of the ziploc bag with a pair of scissors to make a poor man's pipette.
7 - Fill the whites with the yolk filling.
8 - In a ramekin, mix equal parts salt, black pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and chipotle chili powder. Actually, maybe use a little extra chipotle. A little extra chipotle never hurt anyone.
9 - Pinch and sprinkle the seasoning mix on the eggs.
10 - Top generously with bacon bits.
And there you have it!
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I am on nobody's side, because nobody is on my side
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#120957 - 12/08/19 03:45 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: CanisMachina42]
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XiaoGui17
veteran member
Registered: 10/21/09
Posts: 1418
Loc: Austin, TX
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Fair enough. Your loss.
You'd still eat armadillo eggs, though, right?
...and I don't buy that they don't raise serum cholesterol levels in the bloodstream.
My parents were boomers who bought into the paranoia about cholesterol and bought margarine instead of butter, believing it was healthier. -_-
As it turns out, processed foods (including the trans-fatty acids with which that margarine was absolutely loaded) are far worse for your health than naturally occurring saturated fat and dietary cholesterol.
They meant well.
You're far better off avoiding highly processed foods than avoiding naturally fatty ones. And if you're concerned about cholesterol, maybe have some red wine.
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I am on nobody's side, because nobody is on my side
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#120968 - 12/09/19 03:06 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: fiendish]
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Spida
member
Registered: 02/19/17
Posts: 294
Loc: Maine
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Because you're stupid. I think I just said that.
You think? Careful now. Don't hurt yourself.
_________________________
Nothing.
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