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#12311 - 10/07/08 10:59 AM Jokes
lux Offline
Banned
pledge


Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: Newcastle UK
I just thought I would start a thread where we can share some jokes, I like jokes, they make me laugh, so here is one or two.

1. I was working in the Garage the other day, when a Cat came in and drank the Gas/Petrol I had in a small saucer, it took off and ran rappidly around the room, up the walls and darting all over, it then dropped down dead... offical corriners report determined it had run out of gas/petrol.

2. Michelangelo painting the dome of St Peters in rome, he hears a noise so looking down he sees a little old Italian nun praying in one of the pews, deciding to have some fun, micky leaning over the side of the scafolding says "this is jesus speaking, what do you want?" The nun does not flinch, and continues in prayer. So micky a little louders says "this is Jesus speaking, what do you want?" Still the nun remains quiet and uninterupted, thinking the old nun maybe a little deaf Micky shouts "THIS IS JESUS SPEAKING, WHAT DO YOU WANT"

At this the nun Jumps up and slams her bible on the floor waving her arms wildly in a rage and in a typical Italian way she snarls "Ah will you shut yer face, I am talking to your mamma"

3. Jesus and the Devil are having an argument one day. Jesus says, "hey satan, are you going to do anything about this hole in the fence, all the sinners are getting into heaven" The Devil says, "looky here, your the son of God, why dont you fix it" Jesus replys "but the fence is your responsibility since you are the cause of sinful mankind" Satan snarls back "But it was you who kicked me out of heaven, you are the one who built the fence, its your responsibility"

Jesus says "Ah right, you want to play tough do ya, I will see you in court Mr"

The Devil laughes "oh really and where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?"

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#12316 - 10/07/08 01:10 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Asmedious Moderator Offline
Moderator
senior member


Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 1726
Loc: New York
I might have heard this one here, so sorry if I'm plagarizing one of you guys, but non the less it's a good one.

"A priest and rabi are walking down the road when they see a little boy. The priest says to the rabi, 'hey let's go and screw that boy,' the rabi replies 'Ah, screw him out of what?'
_________________________
"The first order of government is the protection of its citizens right to be left alone."

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#12328 - 10/07/08 07:11 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Asmedious]
lux Offline
Banned
pledge


Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: Newcastle UK
A Catholic priest and a rabbi sitting talking, the priest asks "is there anything you would like to know" the rabbi says, "Whats a bacon sandwich like?" the priest licking his lips replys, oh its relly nice, words cant describe it, you have never experienced anything like it. The Rabbi hung his head " I sure would like to try one of those, is there anything you would like to ask" he asked the priest.

"yes" said the priest "what is sex like"

"A long way better than your bacon sandwich" replied the rabbi.

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#12329 - 10/07/08 07:29 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
How could the Puerto Rican woman tell that her daughter was on her period?

She could taste the blood on her son's cock.



Why are Mexicans so fast?

They dodged coathangers for their first 9 months.
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#12341 - 10/08/08 12:28 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
fakepropht Moderator Offline
Big Slick
active member


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 990
Loc: Texas
Why does Jesus hate M&Ms? They fall through the holes in his hands.
_________________________
Beer, the reason I get up every afternoon.

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#12343 - 10/08/08 12:40 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
blsk Offline
member


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 298
Loc: salem or
Lux this one is for you.
So Adam is in the garden of eden and god realises that adam, having named the animals and all realises that he is getting bored. So god says to adam, "Adam, I am going to make you a companion. She will be your best friend and confidant. She will be there for you allways. To make you happy, laugh, smile. She will be your perfect match." So Adam is ecstatic. The god says, "But there is only one catch..." Adam says"yes god? What is the catch?" God says"It's going to cost you an arm and a leg." Adam, after thinking for a while says"Well...what can I get for a rib?"

Q: What's small, screaming, and can't turn corners?
A: A baby with a spear through it!

Q: What's funnier that a dead baby?
A: A dead baby dressed like a clown!

Q: How does an ethiopian woman know when she's pregnant?
A: When she pulls out her tampon and it's half eaten!

Good shit, huh?
_________________________
Ed made mens sewing cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9mhsW5aWJM

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#12347 - 10/08/08 01:14 AM Re: Jokes [Re: blsk]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
Although I laughed at the dead baby jokes, I still get somewhat disappointed when I read/hear them.

Anyway, this is a joke thread, so I ought to contribute;

The Catholic priest Father James was told he was to do confessions one Sunday, due to Father William being taken ill. And so, he sits in the confession box, and the first confessor comes in. A man in his 40's
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
"What is your sin my brother?"
"I have given into lust and committed adultery against my wife"
"That is most unfortunate. Hail Mary 10 times, and I shall see to it that our lord will forgive thee"
The Hail Mary's commence, and he is forgiven by the priest. A few confessions later, and a woman steps into the box.
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned"
"What is your sin my dear?"
"I have committed adultery and given a man a blowjob"
At this point, Father James is confused as to what to tell her. He remembers that one of the choir boys, John, was still in the church. He peeks his head out of the box for a moment and asks;
"John, what does Father William give for a blowjob?"
John replies "Two Mars bars and a packet of crisps"
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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#12357 - 10/08/08 07:28 AM Re: Jokes [Re: DistroyA]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
How do you castrate the Pope?

Kick the altar boy in the chin!
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#12381 - 10/08/08 07:14 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
Fist Moderator Offline
veteran member


Registered: 08/31/07
Posts: 1453
Loc: B'mo Cautious MF
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi are on the deck of the Titanic. The ship starts going down and people are scrambling for the life boats.

The rabbi is pleading "The children first! The children first!"

The lawyer shouts "Fuck the children! Fuck the children!"

And priest asks "Hey, do you think we have time?"
_________________________
I am the Devil and I am here to do the Devil's work.

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#12490 - 10/11/08 12:00 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Fist]
PigFeeder Offline
member


Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 294
Loc: Near Montreal, QC
A teenage girl goes up to her father and says:

Girl: Daddy can you buy me these new jeans? I REALLY want them.

Father: WEll.. I don't know, how much are they?

Girl: There 80$

Father: What!? No way that's way too much, sorry.

Girl: Oh please daddy! Everyone in school is getting them, and I really want them, please?

Father: Oh.. Alright, but you have to do me a favor. You have to give me a blowjob.

Girl: Ew no way! That's incest!

The girl storms away, but she returns a little while later.

Girl: Fine, I'll do it.

So the father takes her into his bedroom and he pulls down his pants.

Girl: Ew why is your dick all full of shit?!

Father: Oh.. Your brother just borrowed the car.

--------
Much funnier in real life, but you get the point.


~Snow~.
_________________________
For all murderers, I am the leader.
Forever, Rob, The 49 PigFeeder.
NecroMantic Sin.

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#13373 - 10/24/08 02:02 AM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Yaksha Offline
stranger


Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Los Angeles,Ca
1.An elderly couple are laying in bed. Wife gets up and stands in front of a full body mirror naked. She goes "honey I'm fat,ugly, my skin is saggy FUCK! quick give me a compliment" Husbands says "well you have perfect eye sight"

2.How do you keep black people from getting into your back yard?
Hang one in the front.

3.How do you make a mexican fortune cookie?
A taco shell and a food stamp.

4.What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family.

5.What's long,black,and smells like shit?
The unemployment line.

6.What do you call a black man with a peg leg?
Shit on a stick.

7.What's the most confusing day of the year in oakland?
Fathers day.

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#13403 - 10/24/08 04:54 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Yaksha]
blsk Offline
member


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 298
Loc: salem or
Q: What's black, white, and rolls off the end of a pier?
A: A nigger and a seagull fighting over a chicken wing.

Q: What do you call 5 black guys hanging from a tree?
A: A Mississippi wind chime.
_________________________
Ed made mens sewing cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9mhsW5aWJM

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#13471 - 10/26/08 11:49 AM Re: Jokes [Re: blsk]
Ringmaster Offline
member


Registered: 04/07/08
Posts: 205
Loc: Salem Oregon
Three people walk into a bar, a priest, a pervert, and a pedophile, then the other two guys walk in.
_________________________
Get off the cross and save yourself, I feel no pity for the cries of a weak man.

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#13478 - 10/26/08 04:01 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Ringmaster]
blsk Offline
member


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 298
Loc: salem or
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar......hey, it could happen!
_________________________
Ed made mens sewing cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9mhsW5aWJM

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#15238 - 12/01/08 09:51 AM Re: Jokes [Re: blsk]
Picunnus Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 101
Loc: Ohio, USA
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,
the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority,
lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity,
truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked
his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
_________________________
WWAD?

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