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#61985 - 11/28/11 10:18 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
Man walks into a bar to get a drink and sees a big jar of money and sign that reads, "Make the Horse Laugh and win $10,000."

After talking to the bartender, he was taken to a back room stable where the saddest looking horse in the world was just standing, munching oats. The man looked at the horse, walked up to it and whispered in its ear. The horse chuckled, and the broke out into uproarious laughter. The man walked back into the bar, grabbed the $10,000 prize in the jar, and walked out the door.

A year later the man walks into the bar to get a drink and sees a huge jar of money and sign that reads, "Make the Horse Stop Laughing and win $100,000."

Once again he was led to the horse. The horse saw the man and his laughing became frantic. The man told the bartender, "I'm going to need 30 seconds alone with the horse." The bartender closed the door for 30 seconds, and when he reopened it, the horse was sad to the point of sobbing helplessly.

He said, "Well, I guess you win the prize again, but I really need to know what you did. How did you make him laugh?"

The man said, "I just told him my cock was bigger than his."

The bartender then asked, "Well... what did you do to make him so sad?"

The man smiled and said, "I showed him."
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Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#63759 - 01/16/12 03:49 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
tuathacoagula Offline
stranger


Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 24
Loc: Japan
Very short one:

What is harder than nailing a dead baby to a wall?

My dick while I'm doing it.

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#63773 - 01/16/12 12:29 PM Re: Jokes [Re: tuathacoagula]
seekswisdom Offline
member


Registered: 01/04/12
Posts: 104
Loc: California,U.S.
It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn't stop crying. Her fairy Godmother was distraught. "Cinderella," she said,"why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evening in you life!" But Cinderella continued in her sorrow."I know she said,'but I've looked everywhere and I can't find my diaphram! What am I going to do!?"

The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphram, but only for tonight and you have to be back by midnight or the Diaphram will turn into a pumpkin." "Thank you! Thank you!" she shieked, and she ran out the door so she woudn't be late.

The fairy Godmother smiled, happy to please Cinderella so much. She settled in the front of the fire to await Ciderella's return.

The fairy Godmother waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Ciderella. The fairy Godmother started to become distraut and worried until she worked her self into a frenzy.

Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sautering in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunk swagger in her walk and kind of breathes a tired hello.

The fairy Godmother's eyes got big and she jumped up. "what happen? Are you ok?

"I'm fine,' she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man....... Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater. \:D



Edited by seekswisdom (01/16/12 12:33 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling

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#63793 - 01/16/12 07:57 PM Re: Jokes [Re: seekswisdom]
dust-e sheytoon Offline
member


Registered: 08/23/11
Posts: 206
Loc: NYC
Top 10 reasons the 9/11 terrorists were not Iranian:

10. 8:45 is too early for most Iranians
9. Iranians are always late, they would've missed all 4 flights
8. Hot girls on the planes would distracted them
7. Once in the air, they would change their mind (Pashimoon mishodan)
6. Free alcohol on the plane, get it?
5. The suspected car found outside of Boston Airport would be a BMW not a Ford.
4. They would start taroofing with each other ( Shoma beshinid, na, shoma befarmaeed poshte havapeyma)
3. talking behind each other's back would start a big fight on the plane.
2. 18 Iranian men can never organize such smooth attack
1. They would've been too busy fixing their hair in case they are captured on TV.
_________________________
Fly for your lives! A great magician comes! He summons armies from the earth itself! ~ ArabianNights

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#63795 - 01/16/12 09:25 PM Re: Jokes [Re: dust-e sheytoon]
Zach_Black Offline
member


Registered: 05/14/11
Posts: 541
Loc: San Diego, California
Here is a short joke.

Why are woman so bad at judging length and distance?

Because all of their lives men with 4 inch penises have been telling them that it is really 8 inches.
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http://satanicinternationalnetwork.com/

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#63800 - 01/17/12 02:21 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Zach_Black]
seekswisdom Offline
member


Registered: 01/04/12
Posts: 104
Loc: California,U.S.
So true!

A cop was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree,crying.The cop stops and approaches the guy. "Whats going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up". The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled his pants down and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day,pal!"

A guy goes up to a girl and says, "you want to play magic'?"She says what that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

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#63902 - 01/20/12 07:04 PM Re: Jokes [Re: seekswisdom]
LeftHandonFeet Offline
member


Registered: 11/05/11
Posts: 109
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QGk8m51WDA&list=FLlpwWty9JNT8QLUzJbVM9Tg&index=6&feature=plpp_video

This link is to a YouTube video of a man named Old Man Tyree- he's fucking hysterical. He's got some other videos on YouTube as well- you will see them to the right side of the screen.
_________________________
"Iím just another hardline psuedo-statistic
Can you feel this?" Slipknot - The Blister Exists


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#63903 - 01/20/12 07:49 PM Re: Jokes [Re: LeftHandonFeet]
dust-e sheytoon Offline
member


Registered: 08/23/11
Posts: 206
Loc: NYC
I wonder if Old Man Tyree has a cousin in the UK http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SD1bXuZK_p0 Being a cranky old bugger is so awesome, in a way! But I prefer the calmer guy.
_________________________
Fly for your lives! A great magician comes! He summons armies from the earth itself! ~ ArabianNights

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#68785 - 07/12/12 07:21 PM Re: Jokes [Re: dust-e sheytoon]
Robert Paulson Offline
pledge


Registered: 06/29/12
Posts: 99
Loc: Montana, America
True story:

I work as a surgical technologist. Essentially, I assist doctors while they do surgery. One general surgeon told me this story and he is not known for making up false tales. He was called to the emergency room one day to remove an eggplant from a patient's rectum as the patient had placed it up there out of curiosity. ER doctors are full of very interesting stories. The funny thing was that at that hospital the next day, the cafeteria served Eggplant Parmegian.
_________________________
Satan watches all of us and smiles as some do his bidding. - Jeff Hanneman (1983)

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#68802 - 07/12/12 08:10 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Robert Paulson]
Latvian Offline
member


Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 475
Loc: EU, Latvia, Riga (old town)
I like such jokes from life! Thank You!

In my teachers work I had a lot of fun from simple, everyday events...
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In Sorte Diaboli

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#68831 - 07/13/12 06:55 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Latvian]
Deep Time Offline
pledge


Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 54
The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The pope replied, "Big tits."
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http://hereistoday.com/

"All the witches had to show their respect for Satan by kissing his ass."


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#68832 - 07/13/12 06:59 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Deep Time]
Latvian Offline
member


Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 475
Loc: EU, Latvia, Riga (old town)
You inspire me to tell some Latvian jokes - maybe they don't seem funny for other nations, even for our neighbours Estonians, Lithuanians, Sweds, but I soon put here some our jokes!
_________________________
In Sorte Diaboli

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#69018 - 07/16/12 01:36 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Latvian]
Robert Paulson Offline
pledge


Registered: 06/29/12
Posts: 99
Loc: Montana, America
Well, that would be Swede of you, Latvia, to put some national humor into the discussion. I hope you are not Russian into things, though. I'd make more jokes, but people who live in grass houses shouldn't throw Estonians.
_________________________
Satan watches all of us and smiles as some do his bidding. - Jeff Hanneman (1983)

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#69032 - 07/16/12 07:52 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Prion Offline
stranger


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 26
If I walked into a nunnery and took all my clothes off, would the Mother Superior have a stroke?



What's the difference between ROM and RAM?

You can't rom your cock up somebody's ass.

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#74960 - 01/31/13 01:13 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Prion]
Dimitri Offline
stalker


Registered: 07/13/08
Posts: 3075
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc .

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says," I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as? "She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party.

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irishmen, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!" Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair."
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