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#93916 - 10/24/14 12:46 PM Re: Jokes [Re: SIN3]
Fnord Offline
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Registered: 01/11/10
Posts: 2092
Loc: Texas
 Originally Posted By: SIN3
Boys will be boys. I'll never understand the amusement with poop and fart jokes.


I'll admit to laughter every time I watch this one (yes, I've watched it lots more than once)

Fartzenegger
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#93921 - 10/24/14 02:19 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
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Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2721
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
So it's the end of a airline flight and the captain's just finished his "thanks for flying with us" spiel to the passengers. Forgetting to key off the mike, he remarks to the co-pilot, "Whew, that was a long flight! I could sure use a blowjob and a cup of coffee about now."

The stewardess hears this broadcast throughout the plane, and, horrified, runs up the aisle to alert the pilot to the open microphone. Whereupon one of the passengers calls out, "Hey, you forgot the coffee!" \:D
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#97222 - 03/05/15 08:01 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
antikarmatomic Offline
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Registered: 09/22/13
Posts: 3208
Loc: El Mundo
Q: "What has 8 legs, 7 arms, and blows?"

A:
Warning, Spoiler:
Def Leppard


^
 Originally Posted By: MountainGoat
You have the arm and leg counts backwards.


*damnit :|


Edited by antikarmatomic (03/05/15 08:11 PM)
Edit Reason: link-libed
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#97223 - 03/05/15 08:07 PM Re: Jokes [Re: antikarmatomic]
mountaingoat Offline
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Registered: 05/08/10
Posts: 471
Loc: Colorado
You have the arm and leg counts backwards. And they have five members currently. And "On Through The Night" and "High and Dry" were pretty good albums.
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#97235 - 03/06/15 07:43 AM Re: Jokes [Re: mountaingoat]
antikarmatomic Offline
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Registered: 09/22/13
Posts: 3208
Loc: El Mundo
Heh, apparently that one went-over like a fart in a hot shower.

Anywho here's one I brought up before on some other thread. In a vague way it has a sorta' Lesser Magic moral to it as well:

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop."

The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?"

Customer looks up and says, "That's right."

Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet."

The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip.

And he-he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere *except* the fucking glass!

Right? Okay.

So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta."

Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300."

And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!"

The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."
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#97260 - 03/06/15 06:11 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Fnord]
Daniel_pockets Offline
stranger


Registered: 02/25/15
Posts: 20
 Originally Posted By: Fnord
 Originally Posted By: SIN3
Boys will be boys. I'll never understand the amusement with poop and fart jokes.


I'll admit to laughter every time I watch this one (yes, I've watched it lots more than once)

Fartzenegger


For me it's just funny how people react to it, when I was ten years old we had a math test and the room was dead silent until I let one rip, everybody knew where it came from and what it was, I don't know, maybe its purely irrational but there is something about "the look on your face" mentality involved with toilet humour.
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#99797 - 05/17/15 03:30 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
MReynolds Offline
Permanently Banned Troll
member


Registered: 04/01/15
Posts: 282
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
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On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
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A little boy always went next door to play even though his mom had warned him against doing so. This worried his mom so badly that she asked him why he was so disobedient.

He replied that Satan tempted him so bad and he did not know what to do.

His mom then advised him to say 'get behind me Satan' whenever he was tempted. She then built a fence around the house.

This worked for a week, then one sunny afternoon his mom looked out the window and there was her son playing on the neighbors lawn having cut a hole in the fence.

"Jeremiah", she yelled, "come here!" She then said "did I not tell you to say 'get behind me Satan' whenever he tempted you?"

"Yes", the boy replied, "I said, 'get behind me Satan', then he went behind me and pushed me through the hole in the fence."
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Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church ~ they are my best workers.

Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked ~ I can use them in my business.

Blessed are those who are touchy. Soon they will stop going to church ~ verily, they shall be my missionaries.

Blessed are those who sow gossip and trouble ~ they are my beloved children.

Blessed are those who have no time to pray ~ for they MY prey.

Blessed are those who gossip ~ for they are my secret agents.

Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. ~ I've got room for YOU at my inn.
-----------------------------------------------------------------There was a large group of people. On one side of the group stood a man, Jesus. On the other side of the group stood Satan. Separating them, running through the group, was a fence.

The scene set, both Jesus and Satan began calling to the people in the group and, one by one - each having made up his or her own mind - each went to either Jesus or Satan.

This kept going. Soon enough, Jesus had gathered around him a group of people from the larger crowd, as did Satan.

But one man joined neither group. He climbed the fence that was there and sat on it. Then Jesus and his people left and disappeared. So too did Satan and his people. And the man on the fence sat alone.

As this man sat, Satan came back, looking for something which he appeared to have lost. The man said, "Have you lost something?" Satan looked straight at him and replied, "No, there you are. Come with me."

"But", said the man, "I sat on the fence. I chose neither you nor him."

"That's okay," said Satan. "I own the fence."
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."


The real joke is that these "jokes" are examples of Christian humor concerning our Lord, and Liberator, Satan. Hail Satan! \m/ 666 Shemhamforash! lmfao

I actually kind of like them though, haha.


Edited by MReynolds (05/17/15 03:41 AM)
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#100674 - 06/13/15 10:32 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2721
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
O.K., this gets the Gross Prize for 2015.
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#100680 - 06/14/15 03:58 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
MReynolds Offline
Permanently Banned Troll
member


Registered: 04/01/15
Posts: 282
That was funny Dr. Aquino. This one's funny too.. https://youtu.be/NIDH4l92UvM \:\) It's not really a joke, but it does the trick alright. \:\)

Edited by MReynolds (06/14/15 03:59 PM)
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#120805 - 11/16/19 01:24 AM The Three Types [Re: MReynolds]
CanisMachina42 Offline
veteran member


Registered: 08/10/13
Posts: 1572
Loc: Ca
Long ago on The Isle of Zorblin there were three ancient people. They were; The Zorps, The Flingals, and The Cha'utts.

These three peoples had a long and complicated history of ideological bickering and warfare.

Originally they began as a colony of Zorps. All Zorps had the same ideology. An ideolgy born from previous ones. They were of one mind, like The Borg. But unlike The Borg they could change. Sorta.

For years it was a Zorp utopia. All Zorp all the time.

Then came the schism. Well, not really. A Zorp named Matron Flingal came along and decided to have a very minor difference with The High Council of The Zorps and split off in a damning written indictment.

Now The Zorps were split into Zorps and Flingals, a sect of the Zorp. As different as the previous divergence between western and earstern orthodox zorps. It was a split of a split with many more to come, but not here and not on The Island of Zorblin.

For many years thereafter it was Flingals pipe-bombing their brethren with a different name. A bitter hostile 'peace', with some scattered skirmishes persisting without resolve. The peacetime war continues.

Then a third group diverged from the original Zorps. A group of non-belief born within Zorp culture. Yet, due to the inquisitive and unforgiving nature of Zorp society they could not come forward as such. They called themselves Cha'utts, a word taken from the Zorp Holy Doctrine, The Mandatoria's Book of Pain and Punishment.

The Cha'utts believed the doctrine was total control bullshit, but were still forced to keep it as unspoken as they could out of threat of reprisal, as the punishment for the crime of "unbelief" was death.

Many Cha'utts failed in this most basic demand.

The Zorp High Council was known to do random "prostration sweeps" to enforce prayer. Homes would be picked at random and occupants tested for heresy. All Cha'utts would meet their end if their house was to be picked and random and The High Guard showed up to force them to pray.

The Sergeant of Arms would give the occupant 30 seconds to recite "The Protection Prayer" lest they be decapitated by a sword.

Needless to say Cha'utts were naturally against that type of society and their days of the cloak and dagger would ultimately roast in the ideological fire. It continues on to this day.

Then one day an explorer came upon this lost island of pygmies. Did I forget to mention that they are pygmies? Because they are pygmies.

Anyway, the explorer couldn't believe it. He met the High Priest. He dined at the royal table. He learned of their society, their way s, and their warring. He learned of the schisms and subdivisions. He learned of their trajectory to that point.

As he learned he grew confused. There seemed to be something bugging him.

"Can you repeat that?" He asked the high priest, because they all spoke the same language and could understand each-other.

Responded The High Priest, "Of course. We consider all Flingals to be Cha'utts. They are evil. Sent by darkness to destroy us all."

The explorer grew even more confused. Perplexed even. He then grew the nerve to voice his internal conundrum, "So you are saying even if all Flingals are Zorps, and Some Zorps are Cha'utts; then all Flingals are definitely Cha'utts? That just seems false to me."

They then cut off his head.

The End.

Yes, that bored. And you don't get your time back either.
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#120806 - 11/16/19 10:27 AM Re: The Three Types [Re: CanisMachina42]
Spida Offline
member


Registered: 02/19/17
Posts: 216
Loc: Maine
Brilliant. The analogies, meticulous crafting of fictitious names, and the(near) end reminds me of an introductory philosophy course I started decades ago that I never finished because five was too many.

The blue chick writes good too; equally gifted but different. If everyone wrote as such I would go fucking insane, again.
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#120849 - 11/22/19 11:52 PM Re: The Three Types [Re: Spida]
Sabrina27 Offline
member


Registered: 01/21/17
Posts: 159
Your mama is so fat that she stopped playing dungeons and dragons because she can't enter dungeons no more. (I tried.)

I knew I was meant to be a theoretical physicist when my crush said I'm a feyn-man

Descartes walked into a bar. The bartender asked if he wanted a drink. Descartes replied, "No, I don't think so" and ceased to exist. (found this on the Internet)

What's one similarity between a neutrino and me? We're both constantly penetrating your mom. (found this on the Internet as well)
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Knowledge without action is void & Action without knowledge is madness

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#120851 - 11/23/19 01:37 AM Re: The Three Types [Re: Sabrina27]
XiaoGui17 Offline
veteran member


Registered: 10/21/09
Posts: 1348
Loc: Austin, TX
 Originally Posted By: Sabrina27
Your mama is so fat that she stopped playing dungeons and dragons because she can't enter dungeons no more. (I tried.)
Yo momma so fat, a beholder couldn't take in her big ass.

Yo momma so fat, her Charisma score is a 0.

Yo momma so fat, she ate a gelatinous cube for dessert.

C'mon, try harder.
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Wir halten uns an Regeln, Wenn man uns regeln lässt

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#120852 - 11/23/19 02:49 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Fnord]
Spida Offline
member


Registered: 02/19/17
Posts: 216
Loc: Maine
Yo momma is so fat, the shortest distance between two points is a straight rotation.

Yo momma is so fat, God had to upgrade the resistance to tear of the space/time fabric.

Yo momma is so fat, fault lines are a consideration when relocating.

Yo momma is so fat, yo Tokyo, that's not Godzilla, that's yo momma!


Edited by Spida (11/23/19 03:03 AM)
Edit Reason: what the fuck
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#120881 - 11/27/19 04:42 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Spida]
fiendish Offline
member


Registered: 02/27/16
Posts: 590
This is retarded. This is COMPLETELY retarded.
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