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#23225 - 04/11/09 11:25 PM Cheating
Succubus666 Offline
member


Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 161
After five years of being together, my boyfriend cheated on me. And it isnít so much the fact that it happened, but his total lack of remorse that bothers me. Weíve had an open relationship for a few months now, but open relationships come with very definitive rules. The most important of which is that our relationship always comes first, and this is applicable on so many levels. One of which is that since I donít always feel like having sex, when I do that takes precedent over anyone else wanting to have sex with him at that time. We opened our relationship up in the hopes that it would provide more freedom, opportunities for personal growth, and a better life experience for both of us. In some ways that has happened, in other ways that hasnít happened.

One of our other rules is that we do not spend the night at other peopleís houses Ė we always come home to each other. We have agreed that the exception to this rule is drunk driving (not taking that risk just to get home) and also when we happen to be visiting someone who lives as far away as being in another town. The last rule we have is that I will never call another person my boyfriend, and he will never allow another woman to call herself his girlfriend. We are each otherís primary life partners. All other relationships are secondary.

I waited up until some god awful hour this morning waiting for my boyfriend to come home. I had been naked, lying in bed and waiting to have sex with him since 11:30 the night before. Not only does he not come home, he takes a cab from the place we were hanging out close to our home out into a distant part of town to go home with this girl. He called around 1:30 to tell me that he was there, and I said in so many words (I do recall saying ďfuckingĒ a lot) that he had better not have sex with this girl, since that would very blatantly be cheating on me. I was also very clear in that if he had any respect for me at all he would come home immediately, and he definitely would not spend the night there.

So he made up some lame excuses, had sex with this girl, and even spent the night there. In the almost five years that weíve been together, Iíve never had such a since of hatred in my heart towards this man that I do now. He seems to have the attitude that I should just get over it. We were monogamous for over four years and this open relationship thing is only in the phase of testing the water. I made it clear that the open relationship aspect was over if I canít even trust him to follow the few rules we had laid out. The prospect of some new woman spreading her legs for him seemed more important than everything we had worked toward.

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#23226 - 04/11/09 11:34 PM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
6Satan6Archist6 Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2509
Well you can't really be surprised, after all you did make it an open relationship. Being that it is open I doubt if this guy even feels like what he did is cheating, since you allow to sleep with other woman and even with the restrictions placed on your "open" relationship he probably feels like this one shouldn't be any different.
_________________________
No gods. No masters.

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#23227 - 04/11/09 11:53 PM Re: Cheating [Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
JudgeFudge Offline
stranger


Registered: 03/26/09
Posts: 19
Loc: Hills of Appalachia.
Perhaps there is some issues you need to talk about? Getting anrgy, upset and so on only makes things worse and gets in the way of your reasoning, so try to chill out. Have drink, smoke a cig, toke an L, read a book, do whatever you do to relax, first off. Secondly, have an open and honest discussion with him, tell him how you feel and what his actions made you feel and go from there.

People don't realize what they have until it's gone or out of their control. When things are in their control, everythings going good for them and so forth they become cocky and don't appreciate what they should. If he doesn't "get it," and talking with him does no good, then break the rules. Go out, find a man, don't come home and shag the fuck out of him and go home like nothing ever happened. Perhaps this might be the slap in the face he needs to realize "hey, I'm really fucking myself over here."

I would recommend talking though first, try to sort it out, if that fails go with plan B.
_________________________
"Why not whip the teacher when the pupil misbehaves?"-Diogenes of Sinope.

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#23230 - 04/12/09 02:27 AM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
Morgan Offline
Princess of Hell
stalker


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 2956
Loc: New York City
God Tala, we told you this would happen....

Shit, Shit, Shit...

This is what happens when you think with your pussy and not your heart.

You opened and threw away your special love away for a new roll in the hay.

God Fucking almighty, do you realize how many people wished they had something special that lasted as long as yours.

I know I fucking did.

Your choice now is simple, suck it up and make up with him or walk away.

Your next move depends on your ego, and your heart.

Good Luck,

Morgan
_________________________
Courage Conquering Fear
Fuck em if they can't take a joke
Don't Like What I Say, Kiss My Ass



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#23234 - 04/12/09 05:20 AM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
Bacchae Offline
Satan's White Trash Neighbor
member


Registered: 05/13/08
Posts: 438
Loc: los angeles
when I was a kid I had a springer-st bernard mix. he was the greatest dog ever, and the reason I have not had another since then. no mere canine could ever replace that companion, and if it did, surely I would not live through the heartache of losing another .
I used to play this game with him. More than anything else he loved ham. I didnt realize it was cruel at the time to test ones loyalty, but I used to place a slice of succulent ham right on the end of his snout.
I would say "no. noooo. no Louie. No..." and his big brown eyes would dart back and forth quickly, desperately. the ham, then me, then the ham... he never shed a tear because I dont think he could, but he cried. he whimpered, he pleaded, I swear he even broke into a sweat, but he Never touched that ham. I could sit and look at him for 30 minutes, and he would not move, even with the freshest piece of honey roasted deli goodness dripping its sweet juices all over his hyper sensitive wet nose.
but the very instant I would turn my head away..
there would be a snapping sound, and the meat would vanish. so fast I never caught him swallowing it. not once.

he would give me a guilty look, but I knew he didnt really give a fuck. it was ham after all.

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#23235 - 04/12/09 06:35 AM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
daevid777 Offline
active member


Registered: 08/30/07
Posts: 951
Loc: Hell's Pisshole, Texas
Are you fucking insane? You, who opened up this thing, were warned, by a thousand-million people... this would go bad. Stop this shit, girl.. don't do it!

You, the wise one, that knew what you were doing, understood the whole fucking world..., and told all the nay-sayers, in such a calm tone, that you KNEW what was best... even when we were actually trying to help you.

Your main squeeze chick ran away with her main squeeze chick... and you were so busy with that, meanwhile neglecting your man, he went out and found himself a new girl. One who wants him... not some kind of bullshit, just him.

Now your chick has run away with a chick, your dude's run away with a chick.... everyone's happy, but you.

WELCOME TO POLYAMORY...
_________________________
Where we're going, we don't need roads.

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#23237 - 04/12/09 07:55 AM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
Diavolo Offline
RIP
stalker


Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 4997
I think no reply said it better than the one made by Bacchae.
I'm not going to rub salt in the wounds or claim we told you so; the only thing that slightly disappoints me is your talk about hatred for the guy because he didn't behave as you desired him to. Ultimately you are responsible. If you want a guy to think you have the sweetest pussy on Earth, either have it or make sure he isn't going to sniff others and make a comparison. You let him sniff a lot and ultimately, he found a sweeter one, or maybe yours started to smell sour.

Whatever is the case, shit happens and if you eat specific things, shit happens an awful lot more. You both decided to eat too many of those specifics.

Now, even when emotions are flowing and the ego and heart is hurt, it is time to be a satanist about it. Glorious in victory AND defeat. Responsibility to the responsible and that what doesn't kill you making you stronger. Yeah I know the drill.

Back into the saddle cowboy. Those who lay on the floor for too long will only become food for the scavengers.

D.

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#23240 - 04/12/09 02:09 PM Re: Cheating [Re: Diavolo]
Succubus666 Offline
member


Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 161
 Originally Posted By: Diavolo
I'm not going to rub salt in the wounds or claim we told you so; the only thing that slightly disappoints me is your talk about hatred for the guy because he didn't behave as you desired him to.


In all fairness if the situation had come about the other way around, I would not expect him to forgive me. A relationship is a relationship and whether itís an open one or not, they all have rules. So this isnít a matter of his behavior so much as it is the respect for our relationship. I donít have any issues of jealousy or insecurity in that he slept with someone else, my issue is that we had very clear rules outlined and that he disrespected both me and our relationship by breaking those rules. If heís willing to prove that he deserves my forgiveness, he may have to go through hell to get it. In the end true love will either prevail or turn to shit.

I do appreciate the prior warnings that something bad could happen when the relationship opened up. After all, I wouldnít have put it out there and asked for peopleís opinions if I didnít want to hear them. Ultimately itís made me realize that when youíre new at this, there are bound to be complications, and some of them will be negative.

I donít know where this situation will lead. The part I didnít mention is that I had also spent the entire day making out with this girl, she was supposed to come home with both of us but decided not to because she had to work the next morning. So when my boyfriend talked to her today, she blurted out that she wanted to come over and have a threesome. We are ultimately looking for another female to add to our relationship, as a secondary partner on a physical and intellectual level.

His reasoning behind this whole situation was that he didnít realize that I had wanted to have sex with him that night (despite the fact that I had spent the whole day drinking, and me drinking always equals sex with us). So he went home with her not knowing that he was giving up sex with me, so he says, and in his defense I never actually said I felt like having sex with just him. Itís hard to tell whether that aspect was a lack of communication problem, or if he was intentionally being dishonest. That I may never know for sure. It still does nothing to excuse him spending the night there, especially when he called to tell me he would be taking the 6:00 am bus home (which he didnít) so as not to break the rules we had set out.

All I know right now is that Iíve never been this angry at him for anything. One might conclude that if this is the worst thing heís done in five years, our relationship must be pretty good overall. And there is an attractive girl who wants to have a threesome. All things considered, there are worse problems to have.

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#23274 - 04/12/09 08:05 PM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
ZephyrGirl Offline
R.I.P.
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 706
Loc: Adelaide Australia
IT sounds to me like he's breaking rules that you set out. Make all the excuses you want, polymory always ends in tears. If not now, then the next time. I have seen this happen time and again with people in 'open' relationships. Eventually one of the partners falls in love with someone else and leaves. It may not be him that does it, it may be you, but it will be someone.

You really should just get over it if you want this relationship to work, because otherwise, that other girl will seem all the more sweeter as she won't be angry, bitter or annoyed at him. By acting out those feelings, you will just push him away to someone else faster. Unfair? Well not really, YOU are the one that wanted to have your cake and eat her too.

Zeph
_________________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass -
It's about learning to dance in the rain.


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#23275 - 04/12/09 08:26 PM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
Morgan Offline
Princess of Hell
stalker


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 2956
Loc: New York City
You are making yourself sound like a whore.
I think its best to just shut up about this shit now.

Like Diavolo said, back in to the saddle.

Grow up, make a decision, but please don't tell us.


Morgan
_________________________
Courage Conquering Fear
Fuck em if they can't take a joke
Don't Like What I Say, Kiss My Ass



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#23278 - 04/12/09 08:51 PM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
Usurper Offline
lurker


Registered: 09/08/07
Posts: 4
Loc: USA
Open relationships will never work, unless your willing to shut off the emotional side of the relationship all together. Theres always going to be jealosy and envy on both parts. It's just the nature of it. IMO if a relationship comes to a point where openess is even talked about, just consider it done. Don't even bother just becoming friends because that won't work either lol.
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#23287 - 04/13/09 03:30 AM Re: Cheating [Re: Morgan]
Diavolo Offline
RIP
stalker


Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 4997
I agree with Morgan here.

I know that at times people desire feedback when having problems but personally I do find a forum a too public a tool to use it for certain issues. Not only are emotional issues too personal to be thrown around, many people that hardly know you might not interpret it too kindly.
Me personally try to avoid posting real emotional issues here like the plague. Not only it makes me feel a bit like an Emo- which might be a macho issue I admit- I also see the vulnerabilities of it. If you're weak, dogs smell blood and if dogs smell blood, they start to act upon their natural instincts. Mostly that isn't pretty.

Reserve emotional issues only for those who care and do it in private. Make sure they are willing to listen to it because if they are not, the snapping sound of fangs is what might be heard next.

D.

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#23297 - 04/13/09 03:09 PM Re: Cheating [Re: Diavolo]
Dan_Dread Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 3935
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
Satanic rule #2 does come to mind here.

This is really coming off as attention whoring emo bullshit.

No offense, of course \:\)
_________________________
ADM
ideological vandal

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#23356 - 04/15/09 05:16 PM Re: Cheating [Re: Diavolo]
Succubus666 Offline
member


Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 161
 Originally Posted By: Diavolo
If you're weak, dogs smell blood and if dogs smell blood, they start to act upon their natural instincts. Mostly that isn't pretty.


I think the weak people are the ones who cower in the corner and are too afraid to stand up and speak their mind. They let others walk all over them, donít care enough to seek advice, and avoid all the taboo subjects. I canít count the amount of sexual conversation that has gone on here over the years, and itís touched on everything from relationships to unlikely sexual fetishes. Do I call someone a whore just because they admit to having a threesome? No, Iím not that petty. Satanism after all is about indulgence. This forum after all is about sharing. And again we find the stereotype of a manís sexuality versus a womanís sexuality. When men talk about their experiences and desires, no matter how extensive they may be, itís chalked up to human nature. When a woman has something to say about it, they start being labeled. I understand what you mean about dogs smelling blood. However, it was more of my intention to come off as being pissed rather than being weak. If someone wants to misinterpret that, itís out of my hands.

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#23366 - 04/16/09 04:42 AM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
Morgan Offline
Princess of Hell
stalker


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 2956
Loc: New York City
You didnt come off as pissed, you came off as weak.

There comes a point when you are OVERSHARING.

I don't need to know that you were lying in bed naked waiting to get fucked after sucking face with the chick your boyfriend left you for.

It goes past sexual indulgences into just an oversexed underthoughtout experience that no one cares about.

Just because you can talk or write about something doesn't mean its the "right" thing to do.

Hell, now when anyone reads your posts the thoughts that comes to mind is complainer and confused.

I like you Tala, but you gotta know when not to post personal stuff.

Morgan
_________________________
Courage Conquering Fear
Fuck em if they can't take a joke
Don't Like What I Say, Kiss My Ass



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#23372 - 04/16/09 01:24 PM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
Diavolo Offline
RIP
stalker


Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 4997
I personally don't mind what kind of sex people indulge, how much or how many they devour. I don't mind that in real life either, after all I do prefer a partner that knows the drill above someone that eeks at every move you make. But it's not about that here.

That we debate or argue stuff of a sexual nature is fine to me and when people have questions or want an opinion about something, I do not see a reason why not, unless it degenerates to a "dr Ruth" level. But things should not get too personal and I do think that is what was happening here in this thread. That you're testing polyamory is fine and that we talk about it too, but somewhere it shifted into a reality show about your private life. That's too much info for me and I assume others, -besides the voyeurs amongst us- feel the same. We are not only dragged into your bedroom but also into your emotional feelings, and into your relation. I think you should reserve that level of sharing for people that have a closer personal bond with you.
I know some people here for about a decade and although in chat occasionally the unavoidable subject of sex pops up, and we share or joke about it, there aren't many I'd feel comfortable enough with listening to too personal stuff. Too personal being here making me almost a part of their reality.
Maybe I'm a dinosaur at that level but I firmly believe some things should remain private and some should only be shared with friends.

I think you should question yourself too about what you share. If it is something anyone can give advice or an opinion upon, or learn something, it is beneficial, to you or to them but the moment we become observers that can't do but give an opinion about something too distant from us, we can only make snap judgments and none is going to benefit in the end.
In worst case scenarios, it is even going to turn into a disadvantage.

D.

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#23382 - 04/16/09 05:22 PM Re: Cheating [Re: Diavolo]
Succubus666 Offline
member


Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 161
I suppose itís just me being a writer, and a reader of other peopleís personal experiences, that makes me not turned off to the idea of reading more about other peopleís personal matters, should they care to share them. I donít see it as being an overly emotional act, or something thatís a waste of peopleís time if thereís something to offer in the conversation. Bacchaeís story about the dog and the ham really caught my attention and has stuck with me as Iíve dealt with the turmoil of this relationship. You can only be forgiving of so much, then you must assume absolute control over your own situation and the way youíre being treated in that situation.
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#23397 - 04/17/09 01:56 AM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
Diavolo Offline
RIP
stalker


Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 4997
I assume it is a generational difference which is largely affected by our current multimedia. It seems that complete exposure is the thing of the last decade and I expect the trend to continue and worsen. Reality shows have paved the path, the internet in all its charming aspects does the rest. Look at shows like Big Brother where in the first editions flashing their boobs was the talk of the day and now a complete and open fuck is even so yesterday.
It is as if the more we are isolated as persons, the more we expose ourselves through these media tools. Maybe it is triggered by a human need for their 15 minutes of fame. Ultimately, every attempt at it has to be stronger or more extreme than the previous ones.

I like stories and personal experiences and you can pick up a thing or two while listening or observing but there is a part of me that has some outdated idea of dignity and limits me to go only that far. When others take that step beyond, I suffer something called shame-by-proxy.

Compare it to having a date. I do know my potential partner farts too but I don't take it kindly when she affirms that fact loudly in my company.

D.

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#23620 - 04/21/09 05:47 AM Re: Cheating [Re: Succubus666]
daevid777 Offline
active member


Registered: 08/30/07
Posts: 951
Loc: Hell's Pisshole, Texas
No. I can't quite describe it.

You're more like a robot... even your descriptions of "pain" or being "pissed off" don't convey your emotions. It's like a continous attack by a hypersensitive robot, that thinks she's a woman... but you keep going and going... in such a cybergenic fashion... it's almost commendable, if it wasn't so ridiculous. If you claim to be a writer, you've missed terribly with this, and other posts.

You have some goal, hidden to us readers, for which you keep striving, the end results, notwhithstanding. It makes no sense. And the continuous disregard for advice, all the while, seeking advice, makes this one story most deserving of a quick ending. Yet it goes on, in robotic synch...

It doesn't miss a beat...

It's like Martha Stewart on crack... only, she'd be having a good time for once. It appears, the audience is laughing, and the actress is still trying her best to play Juliette.

I don't get it.
_________________________
Where we're going, we don't need roads.

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#23754 - 04/24/09 09:47 AM Re: Cheating [Re: daevid777]
icu4whatur Offline
stranger


Registered: 12/14/08
Posts: 21
I'm still kinda new here but I'm going to throw my 2 cents in. Take it for what it's worth.
Honesty is the ultimate form of cruelty, so don't get offended by this, it's just my honest and objective opinion. Personally I don't give a shit.
You are showing classic female clinginess/jealousy and very little accountability for YOUR decision to open up your relationship. If you are going to open up a relationship you can't assign stupid rules to it in the hopes that your lovers will uphold their devotion to you. You are fucking other people.
He will stay with you as long as it is in his best interest. Love him and show him it's still in his best interest. Trust his judgment and allow him to explore his desires on his own, just as you should. To me it sounds like you have taken the relationship collar off of yourself, but through petty rules you are demanding that he leave his on.
Opening up a relationship demands a certain amount of independence.

Allow him to have his... Then grow some balls and take some for yourself. You are not his mother. Trust each other without a net and you might find that it works for you both.

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