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#25249 - 06/02/09 09:19 PM Dying time
ZephyrGirl Offline
R.I.P.
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 706
Loc: Adelaide Australia
Well guys, it's here. Time I got to talking about what I spend all of my time doing at the moment which is dying.

As some of you have always known, I have advanced Breast Cancer. To give you all a brief background, I found a lump in my brest in 2002, which was diagnosed as a carcinoma in situ in 2003. I had this lump removed by way of an operation, along with all the lymph nodes under my left arm (the side of the lump). The results of the subsequent biopsies told us that I had a greade two tumour or 3 cm, with 2 of my 12 lymph nodes having cancer involvement. The cancer was hormone receptive, meaning it fed on eostrogen, and had I had no further treatment at that time I had about an 60% chance of still being alive in 10 yaers and about a 30% chance of it just dissapearing altogether.

However, because the spread had already slowly started, the best course of events was for me to have chemotherapy and try to catch any small spread in other parts of the body.

This I did, whilst studying IT part time (I was changing professions from being a burlesgue/stripper/model/acrress) and at the emd of my chemo operations and radiotherapy, was given the part clear and told to come back every 6 months for monitoring and mammograms.

Up to this point, I really still believed that I was 6 foot tall and bullet proof and hadn't even considered that I may already have been travelling down the road towards an much earlier than expected death, and happily immersed myself in my new job in IT, my fairly new marriage and the continued raising of my daughter. I was still interested in producing art and wrote a book called Lapdancing for Lovers, which I sold on eBay for some time. Teaching people how to put together a sexy intimate dance for their partner, or whoever and about body image, and dealing with a changing body (something I was going through at the time, being bald and having gained weight from chemotherarpy), I'd also had to learn about menopause (well chemo-pause actually at that stage).

Obviously though, the life/death thing will get most of us thinking about spirituality and where we personally stand with it, which I did for the first time in my life and found I had a drawing towards the neo-pagan type beleifs. It wasn't really me though, new age fluffy bunny stuff is just not my cup of tea.

In my personal life, I had gotten pregnant (something I was told I had lost a 50% chance of after chemotherapy) and was delighted to be able to give me husband the change of having his own child something ha'd always wanted, and for me to have a second child, hopefully (and yes luckily) a son, to matching pair up with my daughter.

However, pregnancy, with it's abundance of hormones, was very rough on me and although it was always there (most likely never haveing gone away with the previous chemo etc),nyI cancer got a very strong hold of my body and spread through the bones and into my lungs throughout my 9 months of being an incubator.

There was symptoms of course, and we did actively look for cancer on more than one occasion throughout this time, but it wasn't until my 35th week that they actually admitted that YES, my cancer had actually spread extensively, it was now stage 4, terminal and could no longer be cured. Lived with, fought, put into remission yes yeas yes, but not cured.

They actually wanted me to just have some reaiation on my face (I had a metastises in my jaw bone), that wouldn't effect the baby, but other than that wait out the pregnance with no treatment as statistics said that I would on average live another two years, so to the gynos it was only about the growing baby.

Of course, I was not happy with that scenerio. I had another child to think about and another year or two to her would make a big difference, so I wanted to have my baby early and get fighting this shit of a disease asap. You never know, some people lived 10 years of more after the diagnosis of bone mets, although at that point we didn't know about the lungs.

It was around this time that I found this website and found my interest in Satanism. For me, I've lived life so to the full, that that is the side of Satanism that I see so much in myself. I've always wanted to be the best at whatever I do and have worked hard over the yaers to improve my lot in life, not just content to let life hand me what it wants, I've actively hunted and strived for better, more and improvement. No drop kicks for me thank you very much.

However, the whole time I have been here, I have also been dealing wiht the fact that I was dying. Not the one day you'll be hit by a bus type of thing, (as saying that will not go over well with me anyway), but hey dude you need to get your affairs in order type of thing.

So, because I'm the go getter that I am, I cashed in my life insurance policies (fortunately I did have a couple) and have spent the last several years persuing what ever I felt I had to to cram in as much as I could for myself and my children before I got too sick to be able to cram in any more.

This was very hard on my marriage, so we seperated, but not before we bought a caravan and travelled the east coast of Australia with the kids (mainly for my 11 yo daughter to see the sights with us), for 8 weeks, visiting theme parks reletives and friends. Journelling it all for my daughter to look back at later (my son will hopefully get a little out of that when he is older also, although as an infant I have other things for him from me as he ages) and generally still trying to live as vital a life as I possibly could.

I bought a two motorcycles over this time and got my license, did a trip of over 1000miles on Harleys and joined in many a bike riding weekend with new friends (none of my current friends rode, but I'd always wanted to bet my licnese).

For the most part my health has held up during this time. I have had about 10 rounds of radiotherapy on various bones and places when the pain and weakness were getting too much, one operation to fix my femur which was breaking. I also had to deal with small lung tumors (still considered breast cancer, but in my lungs, not lung cancer) but after having an oopherectomy (removal of ovaries) in 2006, this was well kept under control until around Aug 08.

I am however almost at the end of the line. My lungs have been regularly filling with fluid, caused by my tumors in the pleural layer since Ausust last year, and the cancer is starting to eat away at the rest of me. I've lost 15 kgs since Christmas and have to have litres of fluid regularly drained from my lungs to be able to breath even nearly clearly. I have oxygen at home and am very very tired. I sleep alot and don't eat very much. People visit me now for the most part, although I am still getting out and about a bit (for instance I took my daughter to the Pink concert the other night, from hospital in a wheelchair on oxygen, it was exhausting), and am going out eating oysters with my sister tonight.

I've really enjoyed having this board to read and argue on at times. I know I'm not the epitome of a Satanist in many ways, but this board is however very right for me and I paid my dues and earn't what respect I may have here without whinging or complaining.

There are people here whom I consider friends of sorts, and who I feel priveledged to have gotten to know, people like Ta2zz, Morgan and Nemesis, FakeProphet and BallBreaker, Daeve just to name a couple and those I've loved to hate, like what's his mean from Sydney (mental blank) or yeah DaVinci... (little turd) Kayla (littler turd) and ones I've loved to laught at floundering around trying to be more than they are like Sinistar.

I've argues with CeruleanSTeele about feminism and DanDread about altruism it's been fun guys.

I still get on here a bit to read what's being said, but these days, I really don't have alot to contribute, as I really am coming from a very different place to you all as I wind down.

I will be around for a few months yet, but time is definately running out......Christmas will be very unlikely for me to make.

So I'm not going to say goodbye just yet.......but I thought it was time to open up the discussion on death and see if any of you had anything you wanted to ask me about it.

I still don't beleive in an ofterlife, so maybe I'm just trying to etch out a tiny bit of the forum where I will live on when I'm gone, I don't know what do you think?

Love and laughter,

Zephyrgirl aka Tanya
_________________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass -
It's about learning to dance in the rain.


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#25250 - 06/02/09 10:13 PM Re: Dying time [Re: ZephyrGirl]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
Goddamn Tanya...You know I've been thinking about you, and have been wondering these past few weeks what you'd gotten off into. I knew that you'd been having a lot of difficulties, which seemed to have increased over the last 6 months, that's for sure.

I am so, so glad that you've been able to spend these past few months with your kids, doing things with them, and being able to do things for YOURSELF. Even if you weren't completely up to it, you still went out there and accomplished goals you'd set out for yourself. To me it seems as if the reality of your own end has given you the impetus you needed, to finish things you might have put on hold while you were busy with your new family, working, whatever. The little things in life that need to be done can end up taking up so much of our time. More than we realize.

I know it's not goodbye yet. So I'll choke down the lump that just came into my throat and save it for later.

It HAS been fun getting to know Tan. And I'm glad that I've had the opportunity to do so. Oh I know, we haven't been like, joined at the hip close or anything , but you know what? That's okay. Who needs a goddamn Siamese twin? LOL That has to be a moodkiller for sex if there ever was one. "Hey sis, can you hand me the AstroGlide?" I certainly have enjoyed our convo, the occasional PM, our times in the chats (however brief--you're too goddamn ahead of me time-wise to make it happen often!), lol.

A terminal illness--you either put it out of your mind and continue living or hide and quiver in your room. I know if I were in your situation, I'd hope that I would keep living my life, even if the shell that housed me was seriously malfunctioning. Your daughter will always cherish the memories of the time you spent together, knowing that your time was coming up. I'm sure she'll pass on the good times she had with you on to her little brother, who will no doubt be a biker himself when he gets to be old enough ;\)

But you're not gone YET, dammit, and we're going to enjoy every minute we have left with you!
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#25251 - 06/02/09 10:18 PM Re: Dying time [Re: ZephyrGirl]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
"Not the epitome of a Satanist." You're dead wrong there, Zeph. I haven't "known you" all that long, but knowing you even through this etheric medium has been an honor and will continue to be long after your name no longer graces the screen.

You've lived your life, where others would have run for cover, and you're shown guts in the face of adversities that would make most cringe. And still, you've shown a lighter side than most would be able to even contemplate. As LaVey wrote, "And it will be known that the world of the flesh and the living shall be the greatest preparation for any and all eternal delights!"

You've earned your immortality, if only in the minds of those you leave behind. And we will not mourn, but rejoice that you've lived in such a glorious way. May we all aspire to such courage, such tenacity and, indeed, such grace.
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#25252 - 06/02/09 10:54 PM Re: Dying time [Re: ZephyrGirl]
Octavius Offline
member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 557
Loc: Left the party
I don't have anything deep to say. I just want to say that it's been an absolute pleasure getting to know you here at the 600 Club, MySpace, Facebook, etc. "Internet friends" are not normally something I take very seriously, but there's a select few. So no goodbyes yet, but I wish you restful sleep, sharpness of mind, and my genuine respect and friendship.

Luvs and hugs,
Octavius
_________________________
So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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#25254 - 06/02/09 11:47 PM Re: Dying time [Re: ZephyrGirl]
Fabiano Offline
member


Registered: 09/06/08
Posts: 374
Tanya,

I didn't exchange a lot with you, but I enjoy your presence here with us.

You gained my respect and will be in my mind probably forever.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass -
It's about learning to dance in the rain." is something engraved in my brain.

And once again, you show you live it.

Thanks and respect to you Zeph.

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#25257 - 06/03/09 12:19 AM Re: Dying time [Re: ZephyrGirl]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
Oh,ZephyrGirl, my fellow AussieGirl,

I've been wondering where you were for some time myself, and was hoping everything was ok with you and you were in remission.

I know I don't know you personally except for a very brief time in chat a few months ago, but I've followed your posts, and kind of feel like I "know" you through them, so it was quite a heart-wrenching shock of sorts to read the above.

Not the epitome of a Satanist?
As has already been mentioned above, you have shown ( and are showing) more grit, guts, and determination to wring every last precious drop out of life that you possibly can, in a situation where most would regress inside themselves and wither away.
Strength and grace in the line of fire is a fine Satanic attribute - you obviously have it in bucketloads, and your kids will grow up with the same attributes...

How can they not? They've learnt from the best!

Thanks for taking the time out to start this thread Tanya, it's put a stop to the "wondering".

It's not goodbye yet.... we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, and remember, it ain't over till the Fat Lady sings.( my Mum's fave saying when she had the same condition)

Strength and joy to you Zeph,

Kelli. ;\)
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#25264 - 06/03/09 02:36 AM Re: Dying time [Re: ZephyrGirl]
Dimitri Offline
stalker


Registered: 07/13/08
Posts: 3138
I don't have much to say, apart from the fact I enjoyed reading your posts which gave me the possibilty to learn more about the discussed subjects and insight on a Satanic way of thinking.

We might not have talked alot here, but the contributions you made here (even before I entered) were really insightfull.
Having read this topic, I can only say you are a prime example Satanist.

 Quote:
I know I'm not the epitome of a Satanist in many ways

Same comment as Jake made. You are wearing a blue jacket here for something ;\)
_________________________
Ut vivat, crescat et floreat

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#25265 - 06/03/09 02:43 AM Re: Dying time [Re: ZephyrGirl]
fakepropht Moderator Offline
Big Slick
active member


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 990
Loc: Texas
I suck when it comes to writing stuff of a deep emotional nature. What can I say that others haven't already said, and so eloquently? I won't speak in the past tense, but rather in the present. Because you are still here, and I like it that way. I enjoy the times we get to play poker together. I understand your time was limited recently, so we couldn't hook up as often. I enjoy sharing our memories of Korea. I have to believe we crossed paths there at some point. I was the guy with the shaved head sucking down a stick of meat and checking out your ass as you walked by. LOL, wait, that was half the country.

It's rewarding to hear that you got to fulfill some of your goals and aspirations. Bikes, trips with your kids, memories. That's what makes us immortal. The memories and footsteps we leave behind. I'm still waiting for you to knock on my door so we can go up to Atlantic City and toss around some chips at the table. I promise I won't take all your chips, just most of them.

Thanks for the update. Sad as it is, we were wondering about you. From previous talks, I know you are going into this with your chin up. Always the warrior. Not Satanic? Your little finger is more Satanic than some can ever hope their whole being will be. You know how to reach me if you ever want to just chat.
_________________________
Beer, the reason I get up every afternoon.

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#25270 - 06/03/09 06:15 AM Re: Dying time [Re: ZephyrGirl]
Morgan Offline
Princess of Hell
stalker


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 2956
Loc: New York City
Damn, Damn, Damn.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your cancer go away.

You have been and are inspiring, funny, and amazing.
You have experienced so many things and lived your life to the fullest in all the ways you want. You don't let things hold you back and you do it all with the love in your heart for your children, family, and friends.

I admire you so much for your courage, your strength, and your drive.

YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO MUCH LOVE TO YOU !!!!!!

\:\)

HUGE BIG ASS HUGS & MUCH LOVE,
Morg

ps. Please, you're more Satanic than most of the asswipes who claim to be satanic, and it was never a question in my book.
It's your title, you earned it, just by living and being yourself. Damn it, still waiting on the pillow fight for when you get to NYC. ;\)


Edited by Morgan (06/03/09 06:23 AM)
Edit Reason: added the ps stuff
_________________________
Courage Conquering Fear
Fuck em if they can't take a joke
Don't Like What I Say, Kiss My Ass



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#25315 - 06/04/09 05:03 AM Re: Dying time [Re: Morgan]
daevid777 Offline
active member


Registered: 08/30/07
Posts: 951
Loc: Hell's Pisshole, Texas
Tanya,

I fell in love with you from the start... even when I thought you might be a guy...

I LOVE YOU, GIRL!

I'll write soon.

David.
_________________________
Where we're going, we don't need roads.

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#25354 - 06/04/09 10:26 PM Re: Dying time [Re: daevid777]
ZephyrGirl Offline
R.I.P.
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 706
Loc: Adelaide Australia
Thanks for all the thoughts guys. I don't want this to be a circle jerk, you're so cool thing, but it's real nice anyway....
Zeph
_________________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass -
It's about learning to dance in the rain.


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#25470 - 06/07/09 05:03 AM Re: Dying time [Re: ZephyrGirl]
daevid777 Offline
active member


Registered: 08/30/07
Posts: 951
Loc: Hell's Pisshole, Texas
No circle jerk, just email me or call me... if you can. I won't tell you how I feel about this, my heart, girl, is for you. I love you Zephyrgirl, I love you Tanya. You are the fucking Bomb! And you've rocked my world. You rock everyone's world, anyone who's life you've come into contact with... we are enlightened by your presence, thank you. Thank you so much.

David.
_________________________
Where we're going, we don't need roads.

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#25514 - 06/09/09 04:57 AM Re: Dying time [Re: daevid777]
ZephyrGirl Offline
R.I.P.
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 706
Loc: Adelaide Australia
Thanks you big mean nasty Satanist you!!!

I tell you though what is getting my goat at the moment. Bloody do good volunteers in the town I live in!!

They've found me,,,arrrrggggh.

The local Lions Club has found out about me living up here in the hills with my Mother and her caring for me in my final months and have decided that they are going to help the bejeesus out of us whether I like it or not.

Not to sound ungrateful, it is wonderful for my 66 year old mother, who I must say is an incredible role model to anyone. Tough old thing that she is, she lives with my 45 year old brother (who is schitzephrenic and on medication for the rest of his life) and now has also taken in my daughter and I. She still works 7 days a fortnight (she is going to retire this Christmas maybe) and has the fortitude to soldier on doing all the work around the house and small property, when I am not well enough to help out, which for a month or so there was all the time.

She doesn't complain, bitch or moan. She just does....It is no wonder to me where my will and determination in life has come from.

Anyway, the local lions club rang the first time last week, they had found out about me because of one of them being a foster partent to a child in my daughters class at the school she attends here. They asked me if there was anything that they could do for me and because I didn't really think there was (I didn't think about Mum, such a selfish shit that I am) and politely said so and thought that would be it, but no. The next day they rang and spoke to Mum and said that they would be bringing over meals 4 nights a week whilst I was ill. Also they want a list of chores for the Men to do around the place for her etc etc.

Well this is all lovely and great and I'm sure glad Mum is getting some help and some free meals I really mean it.

But THEY HAVE ALL RUNG and had the same conversation over the last week. Everyday since last Tuesday I have had at least one phone call from a different member, looking to make themselves feel all fucking gooey and do goodery and essentially organising exactly the same thing they already had. ARrrrrrrrrrggggggggh.

I'm sorry Dan, but altruism is live and well and being shoved down my throat till I can't possibly take it. I'm writing a thankyou letter to the local community newletter as I speak to preempt them from whatever show and tell they will be trying to think up for me.......I can feel it in my bones.

Sorry, I had to rant on this particular topic, I hope you all get much amusement at my discomfort about the whole fucking thing. Now if they wanted to buy me a car............LOL Or send me over to the states for a holiday maybe....but as Chaser pointed out, we'll keep our expectations real.

So far I haven't seen the God botherers....but I know they're out there.


Zeph
_________________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass -
It's about learning to dance in the rain.


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#25515 - 06/09/09 11:20 AM Re: Dying time [Re: ZephyrGirl]
fakepropht Moderator Offline
Big Slick
active member


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 990
Loc: Texas
Suck them for all they are worth. I know it seems "wrong"(?). A pain in the ass. But I would try to get whatever I could out of them for as long as I could.

Your mom sounds incredible. Give her a break and let these fools bring over some meals and tidy up the yard. Let them wear their shiny badge. Be a vampire.
_________________________
Beer, the reason I get up every afternoon.

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#25516 - 06/09/09 11:37 AM Re: Dying time [Re: ZephyrGirl]
Asmedious Moderator Offline
Moderator
senior member


Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 1737
Loc: New York
I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, but I just can’t come up with anything eloquent to say here. So I will just say Ditto, to all the other people who are more expressive then I.

You do seem to be handling this dying situation very well. The older that I get, the more I think about my own mortality. Especially, since I smoke about a pack of cigarettes a day, and I’m passed what might be considered middle aged.
Death itself doesn’t scare me at all, because, well, once I’m dead, I wont be here to know that I’m missing myself.
However, the act of dying, I find most unsettling. Not because I’m afraid of the dying part, but what scares the shit out of me totally, is helplessness. Personally, I would hate to have my “loved ones” around me, to feel sorry for me, and themselves.
I have tried to think of how I would handle my “Final Exit,” if the need arose. (Aren’t I a cheerful fucker?)

Although, I find altruism to be selfish mostly, as most here might also, on the other hand, I can’t help but think that there is also a natural desire to help others when they are down, that is positive and “good.” Which, I believe many here, might disagree with.
I am aware of the argument, that it is all for selfish purposes, based on genetics, and our inherent NEED to help sustain the species, blah blah blah. Yet, sometimes, we might just say, “fuck all the scientific shit,” and just accept someone’s “Good will” at face value.

So, I say, Cheers to the Lions Club; and fuck what ever their true subconscious reasons may be.
Satanist’s have a tendency to over analize things so far down to the core, that they are unwilling to accept anything at face value. Although this may be often helpful, and oriented towards a “true reality,” sometimes it can lead to being cold and withdrawn to the point of being miserable, in which there is nothing positive at all, but instead discontent and mysery.
_________________________
"The first order of government is the protection of its citizens right to be left alone."

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