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#3631 - 01/21/08 06:43 PM I think I may be depressed.
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
Ok. I've reached a point where I think I might actually be depressed but my autism might be acting as a barrier, stopping me feeling it to the fullest extent.

"What's the point", I hear myself saying. Not what's the point of life, but each thing seperately. What's the point of going out to get a job, what's the point of looking for a relationship, what's the point of leaving the house, what's the point of even getting out of bed.

I spend my time in a state of mindless self-indulgence and it's reached a point now where it's the only thing I do. I get up, I eat. I watch TV, I surf the internet, I play online video games or play on the Xbox. Luckily I live in an active communal house so I have social interaction, I have 3 room-mates and often multiple visitors but without them my social interaction would be entirely online.

I claim benefits as opposed to working. I look for work at the bare minimum required to get the benefits, and sometimes I even lie and don't bother looking even for the minimum amout of 3 job applications a month. It took me 6 days before I plucked up the energy to go 3/4's of a mile round trip to the job center to sign on, even to the point of running out of money and rationing my remaining food rather than spend 2 hours setting up my claim for benefits, which is really just free money.

I don't feel the need to do anything. HOWEVER, unlike most people in a depressive state, I don't feel distraught, I don't feel upset, I don't feel the opposite of happy. I'm not happy either though. I'm a little less than content, I really just exist.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm in a rather self destructive path and I know I need help, the problem is I can't be bothered. That's what makes me wonder if this is depression. I don't need therapy, I definately don't want medication. I need something, anything to fall into my life, but it needs to happen and I'm making no steps to make it happen. It's a self fulfilling circle. Without me helping myself I will stay like this.

I need to mail a letter, I should have done it 3 days ago and the mail box is only a 2min walk away but I can't be assed. I should have phoned my college but I've become so lazy that I can't even be bothered to charge my mobile phone. I lost my keys somewhere in the house about 2-3 days ago, and that's given me even more of an excuse to not leave the house. I haven't payed this months rent, and can't pay next months rent, I could claim housing benefit to pay it, I even have the forms, yet I can't be assed to fill out the forms and take them 1/2 a mile downhill to the town hall... I know tomorrow would be the perfect time to do it but without coercion from an outside party, like someone specifically heading to the town hall with me I probably won't go tomorrow.

I've reached a point where the future doesn't matter to me, it's incidental. I don't care that I could be homeless next month, it doesn't matter to me, in fact nothing does. The only thing I don't want is pain. I'm like a machine. I do things to reduce pain, hunger, thirst and lust, nothing more. Even lust is becomming a chore. I can't be assed seeking a relationship, and 'personal relief' is barely even that, it's not even something I think about much, it's just a way to pass the time... the same as playing a video game or watching TV.

I believe I may be rambling now, but somehow I think my point may even be made more apparent by this. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm identifing this problem before it gets worse. I'm currently boardering on a point where when I accidentally cut my arm watching it bleed for about 5 mins was a worthwhile use of my time, so much so that it was near entrancing.
I think I could do with some help, but somehow I doubt I'll actually help myself.

Opinions? Comments?
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If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#3635 - 01/21/08 07:58 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Asmedious Moderator Offline
Moderator
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Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 1753
Loc: New York
I wont even pretend to know how to help someone in your situation, even though, at times, I have experienced similar feelings, which as you say, basically boil down to “What’s the point of it all?’

This might be one of the major pitfalls of “Satanism” and other philosophies, which might over rationalize things, that most people take for granted.

Our free thinking philosophy, may be fun at times, and greatly liberating up to a point, but at the risk of sounding dramatic, it also opens up the view to a great void, which we often can’t fill. We get close to the cliff, beyond which is insanity.

Some famous free thinking minds, have fallen into that trap, if it is a trap at all. Nitzche (sp?) Who was one of the greatest free thinkers of all time, ended his last days, in an insane asylum. I don’t believe that Crowley faired much better.

I wonder if Anton LaVey, might have not faced a similar fate, if he had lived long enough. When I read his ideas about creating ones own private world, or environment, and wondering about silicone companions, or perhaps robots and such, was he not also near that edge? Did Satanism bring him fulfillment and happiness, or instead, closer to depression, and sorrow, when he realized the same thing which you are talking about. The “What’s the point of it all?” dilemma.
Actually, I am not expressing myself well here, because the negative feelings (and they aren’t even negative) is not “sorrow” or “depression” but more like “nothingness.”

What are we left with, when there is no longer a Santa Claus, Unicorns, Fairies under rocks, Spirits, goblins, Easter Bunnies, or a big daddy in the sky, and our existence appears to be merely because the planet is hungry for more shit.

We can only eat so much good food, watch so many movies, read so many books, learn so many things, and fuck just so much, before we over fill ourselves with indulgences, to the point that we end up like children in a chocolate factory, who can eat as much as they want. After awhile, things just don’t taste that good, as they once did, before they became routine, and common place.

I’ve been in a similar place where you are, and the only thing that got me out of the “rut” was finding myself so far at the bottom, where I had no luxuries to speak of. At one point, I didn’t even know where my next meal was coming from. There was nothing to indulge in.

Joy came back, when I was able to slowly start to rebuild, from the very bottom. The “good things” in life, again started to have meaning, after having done so long without them. Buying a new car, making new friends, eating fine foods again, and the like, all started to have value again.

Yet at times, I find myself on that edge again, where things just don’t seem to matter, and that is when I have to go back to that place when I had absolutely nothing, even if only in my mind, to help me to appreciate the indulgences that are available and not take them for granted.

Perhaps, the place called “HELL” is not a place of fire and pain, but a place where one has everything, and can do anything one desires, for ever. A place such as that, would be truly a place of great suffering after awhile.
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"The first order of government is the protection of its citizens right to be left alone."

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#3637 - 01/21/08 08:49 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Asmedious]
Sven Offline
stranger


Registered: 01/19/08
Posts: 46
Reminds me of Jean-Paul Sartre's existential ideals. Where Sartre said that we are "condemned to be free" and that no matter how much we try to deny it there is no point to life. I can understand the feeling there being no point. And I agree with Asmedious that "Satanism" and other free thinking philosophies have a deterrence about them because the acknowlegde that there is that parts of life that can't be fulfill. With one of the most important points is creating a point for life.

But I think Satanism as a philosophy creates a more rational approach to trying to deal with that onimous thought of there being nothing. As apposed to most other reilgions and phiolosphies who, in my view, create fairy tales and strict ways of life for a nonexistent God to make life feel worth living. On a indivdual level people deal with a possibilty of "nothing" and can possibly accept it, but as a whole a society could not retain order if they didn't have the use of a afterlife to use as means to bluffthe masses into order.
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A poor fool indeed is he who adopts a manner of thinking for others!
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#3639 - 01/21/08 09:12 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Sven]
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
The problem I find is nothing is fulfilliing anymore. I would say that the point in life is to be happy, do whatever makes you happy, however NOTHING makes me happy anymore. All I have are more and more ingenius ways of wasting time. That's why I'm feeling depressed I think.
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If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#3641 - 01/21/08 11:58 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
fakepropht Moderator Offline
Big Slick
active member


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 990
Loc: Texas
 Quote:
I need something, anything to fall into my life, but it needs to happen and I'm making no steps to make it happen. It's a self fulfilling circle. Without me helping myself I will stay like this.


Therein lies the crux of your problem. You are waiting for this golden egg to plop into your lap and somehow give you the energy or motivation to get on with your life. Instead of taking the initiative to make it happen for yourself. I can relate somewhat to your situation. I have a million projects around the house that I have started, only to lose interest in, and now they sit in a semi state of finished. I have parts of walls painted. Materials in the basement for a project. I never did get my "man cave" poker haven built in my basement. Yet I have several other projects that I have carried to completion, which continue to give me satisfaction every day. I have a "Halloween" room that is truly a sight to behold. I actually got off my ass and fixed some leaking faucets and toilets that not only gave me a sense of accomplishment, it saved me a $$ in the long run.

Is there drugs or alcohol involved? I know these can be factors in reducing motivation to actually do something that is necessary. Perhaps, if there are, it might be time to evaluate whether these indulgences have moved from fun to necessity. If the getting the next high and staying high has become more important than paying the rent, you have a problem.

I think many of us go through a rut in our lives, where we feel all we are doing is existing. I have questioned several times why I worry so much about the job I hold. In the grand scheme of things, it matters so little. I'm 40. I have maybe 20 more years of productivity. Given the life I have lead and lead, I might be lucky to see the other side of 70. It would be very easy for me to say the same, "so what"? Why hold down a steady job? Why worry about the fence that is falling down? What real impact will it have if I bother to get out of bed today? I could easily lose my job tomorrow, and all the sweat, weekends I came in to catch up, decication I put in, would be for nothing. I think you need to get out of this funk you find yourself in, and aim for a sense of accomplishment. Even if it is walking the few steps to the mail box to drop your envelope in. You have elected to sign onto this site as a Satanist. Therefore, you must have researched some of the writings that go along with being a Satanist. I know some here view LaVey's writings as just another source of information, I will use these as a reminder:

From the Nine Satanic Sins:
#6 Lack of Perspective

From the Nine Satanic Statements:
2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams.

6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires.

No I'm not a shill for CoS, but only trying to add some perspective.
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Beer, the reason I get up every afternoon.

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#3643 - 01/22/08 12:27 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Woland Moderator Offline
Seasoned
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 764
Loc: Oslo, Norway
 Originally Posted By: TornadoCreator
The problem I find is nothing is fulfilliing anymore. I would say that the point in life is to be happy, do whatever makes you happy, however NOTHING makes me happy anymore. All I have are more and more ingenius ways of wasting time. That's why I'm feeling depressed I think.


Might I suggest Sex?
Breeding?
Create a little tornado, so to speak?
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Regards

Woland

Contra Mundum!

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#3646 - 01/22/08 03:06 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Woland]
blackdragon31560 Offline
pledge


Registered: 08/30/07
Posts: 74
Loc: Hell Paso, TX
 Quote:
I wont even pretend to know how to help someone in your situation, even though, at times, I have experienced similar feelings, which as you say, basically boil down to “What’s the point of it all?



I couldn’t agree more, with everyone’s replies

 Quote:
“I wonder if Anton LaVey, might have not faced a similar fate, if he had lived long enough. When I read his ideas about creating ones own private world, or environment, and wondering about silicone companions, or perhaps robots and such, was he not also near that edge?”


I don’t think so, its a tool used to motivate your self, there are many things in the world, where we must bend, do what we disagree with to move up. Home is a place here you can truly be yourself, without restraint, at least to me. I have no idea what others feel about that concept.

I think people like you TornadoCreator, Asmedious, and others ( me included ) that get the this feeling or maybe the lack of it, the “nothingness” as simply a indicator, that you/we must reevaluate your goals and aspirations. I have done that many times, I think I have changed for the better. I think trying to find a goal, that’s simply leads to another, would do the trick, find but finding one you would enjoy or find stimulating will be very difficult. i know this isn't an answer simply my opinion.


Edited by blackdragon31560 (01/22/08 03:06 AM)
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#3650 - 01/22/08 03:03 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: blackdragon31560]
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
Everything is in perspective for me now, I'm not stressed, I'm not overworked. I'm just depressed. There's no reason for it as far as I can see and if I wasn't autistic I imagine I'd say something like "but then there's no reason for anything, woe is me" or some other depressive bullshit. I'm not trying to convince myself that I'm not responsible for everything, I just... don't care, not in an arrogant way, but in a scary realisation way. This concerns me, especially as before long I can see it not bothering me at all, with me content to rot away in my own filth.

Luckily I'm not a drug user and I drink extremely rarely. I drink an excessive amount of caffine, (and my lack of Coka Cola whilst typing this is actually getting to me), but nothing that would make the situation any different on a drastic level.

Thanks for the other perspectives anyway. I'm not sure what I wanted to achieve with this, I know it wasn't sympathy or attention I wanted, but I'm not sure what it was I did want.
_________________________
If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#3652 - 01/22/08 03:50 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Soluna666 Offline
stranger


Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 29
Loc: Canada
This may sound over-simplified, but I'm only speaking from experience. I used to drink excessive amounts of caffeine as well. I mean a lot!! I was extremely moody, and very, very depressed, listless, brooding, and apathetic about life in general....no desire to do anything.

I decided to stop. What a difference. I had more energy, yet I was more relaxed, and I became interested in life again. I felt greater clarity in my mind as if a mental fog had lifted. Believe me, this is all for real.

I now drink coffee again, but not even close to the gallons I used to consume. Caffeine, especially combined with sugar, wreaks havoc on the nervous system, as well as the digestive system. I don't need a doctor to tell me this...I know.

We live in an over-caffeinated society. People are wired to it, and then they wonder where all their anxiety and stress and depression is coming from. Then the drug companies make billions on prescriptions designed to counter these conditions.

I don't know if this helps you, but sometimes emotional imbalance is simply a dietary matter. Drink coffee if you want, but I guarantee you'll feel some relief without it. And Coke!!!
Poison!!! BTW, if you do decide to lay off the coffee, do it gradually or be prepared for some very unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.


Edited by Soluna666 (01/22/08 03:53 PM)

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#3655 - 01/22/08 08:36 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Succubus666 Offline
member


Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 161
I’m not sure what medications you’re taking, legal or illegal, but have you considered the possibility that they are making you apathetic? I only mention it because I have had similar experiences with taking medications are supposed to make you feel better, and instead the result is that you become indifferent to what’s going on around you and to life itself. I believe it’s the state people often referred to as being “comfortably numb”... One thing many people don’t realize about antidepressants in particular is that they don’t just reduce the bad feelings, they reduce the good ones as well.
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#3657 - 01/23/08 07:18 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Succubus666]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
Absolutely.

Years ago I had a lot of high anxiety problems and told my doctor, and she prescribed me Paxil. Oh, that stuff took away my anxiety, but just as you said, Tala, it took away everything else too. I had the worst time trying to fall asleep at nights, and it would give me terrible drymouth, so it seemed I could never drink enough water. I hated it, and decided to stop taking it after a couple of months. I still get the anxiety (after driving long distances, worrying about things I can't control, etc.), but it's infrequent and doesn't last very long. It's better than feeling nothing at all.

TC, you're just in a deep rut, and sometimes these things just need to wear themselves out before you can get back on track. Ruts are a pain the ass, and suck while you're in them, but they're important to have occasionally in one's life, if only so you can look back and say to yourself, "Damn, I don't want to get to that point again."
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Nothing is sacred.

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#3661 - 01/23/08 12:26 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Nemesis]
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
I was homeless for about 14 weeks. I spent this time sleeping on the street or randomly in a feild. I had no money, many times went 3-4 days without food and I only got out of this due to my friends and my ex who dragged me out of this.... I'm quickly heading back there. I have no money, I'm 1 month behind in the rent, My benefit claim was rejected and I have no true job prospects. My current rut is causing me to fall further and trust me when I say I know how bad it is, I just can't stop myself. For some reason I can't pull myself away from the train wreck.

Thanks everyone for the advice, I don't expect sympathy or help, especially as I wouldn't freely give it myself if it was someone else. I got myself into this mess and I can get myself out, I just need to break the pattern.
_________________________
If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#3693 - 01/25/08 01:32 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
hippydog Offline
lurker


Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 3
I went thru a period like your describing..
it took attempting suicide (you know your a loser when you can't even do death correctly), then ending up in jail... twice.. to make me realize I needed a complete refab of my outlook on life.

depression is a hole that you dig yourself.. you can only get out when you decide that you want to live.

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#3697 - 01/25/08 04:56 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: hippydog]
Satansfarm Offline
member


Registered: 01/12/08
Posts: 352
Loc: america
A shaman sets out into the wilderness, basically inviting the woods /desert/etc to try to kill him /her/ it...
These extreme conditions and stresses bring out the most basic survival instincts. One of the most important components of this is the ability to do magic. Hey, when you really, really need something, stuff happens.

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#3718 - 01/28/08 03:14 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Satansfarm]
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
For some reason I'm a definate survivor. It doesn't matter how bad it gets I always bounce back, I intend to do that in my current situation as well.
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If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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