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#3724 - 01/29/08 12:41 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
ZephyrGirl Offline
R.I.P.
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 706
Loc: Adelaide Australia
I got like that as well sometimes before I had kids. Lack of direction or passion in iife.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass -
It's about learning to dance in the rain.


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#3858 - 02/05/08 01:37 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
I felt something similar a couple of months ago. I was wondering why I was continuing to exist whilst my life was becoming mundane.

The thing is, I needed direction, a goal, something to look forward to. And I know the only person who can do that for me.

Basically, you need to find your direction in life. Find out what it is you're best at, find your goal, and work your way up to it, and keep working at it when you get there.

Although indulgence is fine and dandy, making something of yourself will make you feel much better about yourself. I may not be at the top yet, but I'm on my way up the ladder. Slowly but surely, I'll get to the top.

And I know that if I get knocked off slightly, I have the support of my friends. And if you find that you cannot find your direction, then look for a source of inspiration, and put your energy into what you want to achieve. And even if things look bleak, people are there to offer advice and help. Hell, I don't know you, yet I'm offering any kind of guidance if you ask of it. Although a Satanist must in general rely upon themselves, there are some things that we cannot achieve alone. I know I'm not alone, and this gives me the drive and optimism.

The point is, you aren't alone, and you have the support of your fellow man. At least me anyway. ;\)
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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#3908 - 02/06/08 11:10 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Noc Offline
pledge


Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 76
Loc: Delaware
I believe that everyone has experienced depression at one point in there lives. Most peoples lives are so busy and have so many things going on that they don't even know when they have it half the time.

Most people who drink do drugs on a regular basis are usually have a form of depression but the drinking and drugs masks the problem.

I've recently had a battle with depression and it sucks. Here I had everything going for me in life. I was running 3 businesses making good money and was in excellent health. Was a bodybuilder,was into motocross,had cars, trucks, well hell had everything going for me.

Then one day I came home after an exhausting day and plopped in my chair and it felt like my back ripped into. I thought it was just a pulled muscle and that the pain would go away in a few weeks.

Well the few weeks was turned into a couple of months. I was in so much pain that I had to go to the hospital by ambulance and after tests they found out hat I had herniated discs L3-L4, L-4,L-5, L5-S1 and that I needed emergency surgery.

Had the surgery over a year ago and right after the surgery I wake up to numbness in my right leg, and pins and needles in my foot and its a constant pain. They've tried to give me drugs for it but they didn't help. I have dealt with major back pain and burning and pins and needles with stabbing in my right foot for over a year now. And now they want me to have another surgery which I am refusing because the first surgery has made me worse and I'm not taking another chance for them to fuck me up even more.

Needless to say I cant workout, or really do anything that I was able to before surgery and that about made me go crazy. It totally changed my life in an instant. I never thought anything like that would happen to me, but in a strange way it has made me stronger.

Because now I don't take anything for granted anymore like i used to,and I live everyday like it could be my last. I just take it as an experience dealt to me to see how I would handle the problem, and at first I didn't handle it very well. But it made me take a long look at myself and to dig deep inside to find out what really matters to me.

All things come from within, and I had forgot my path until after having surgery. It opened has opened my eyes up to what is really important and I know that it doesn't matter how good or bad things are going on in my life, That I'm strong enough to deal with anything and will overcome and challenge thrown my way. And I wouldn't have been thinking that unless this surgery wouldn't have slapped me in the face.

Sometimes bad things happen to people to make them open up there eyes, because they've falling off there paths and sometimes it takes the bad things in life for you to see all the good.

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#4013 - 02/09/08 06:20 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Noc]
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
Hey Noc. I've been in a similar situation myself as I've had extensive surgery on my chest severely reducing my upper body strength. Hell, as you've said, you need bad things in life before you can see all the good.

Thanks for the support DestroyA but I don't think it would be all that useful, although it's nice to know someone out there is thoughtful. Being a Satanist means relying on yourself, it doesn't mean ignoring others and refusing to ask for or accept help. I appreciate the gesture.

I've recently pulled myself up. Or at least I feel as though I have. I'm more social than I was. I'm studying Aikido which is drastically improving my health and focus. It's nice to have had you guys to talk to though and I've missed being away from the internet for so long.
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If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#4056 - 02/10/08 07:02 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
That's good to hear TC. Perhaps your "recovery", so to speak, was due to not having internet access? Could it have been exerting too great of an influence and causing the apathy you've been experiencing lately?
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Nothing is sacred.

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#4179 - 02/13/08 03:13 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Nemesis]
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
It's very easy to wallow in self pity when every depressed person in the world and there collection on bad poetry is accessable from your bedroom.

I think it may have caused me to seek something other than sitting and doing nothing as I didn't have my normal escape, so quite possibly.
_________________________
If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#4470 - 02/22/08 11:22 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
PansGirl_v2.3 Offline
stranger


Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 30
Loc: TX U.S.
He will never come for me. I am certain of that now. He laughs at me, mocking me, grinning his ruthless smile, showing off those perfect ivories. He teases me, taking everyone else: the undeserving.

These perfectly happy people, those who have everything to live for, he takes them but not me. Even those whose lives are more miserable and pathetic than mine, even they are granted the easy way out.

Often, I have wondered if he has a personal vendetta against me. No, I have not tried to stop him; all I have asked for him is to make a final choice: to either release his hold, or grab me tighter.

But he will grant me no such request. I am ignored and taunted at the same time. I marvel at his power and greed, his selfishness and wit, his awful sense of humor. He gave me the gift of empathy, but cursed me with an ego. He promised me happiness, but filled me with self-pity. He taught me to love, but also showed me to hate. A cruel mentor, I learned from him the most sinful pleasures of the world: vanity, envy, lust, coldness, darkness, sloth, anger, greed; he gave me no end to them.

The end cannot even justify the means; for me there will be no end. I will exist forever, because he hates me. For this he will not grant me that final peace and serenity that so many others are privy to. So many others but me.

Suicide is not an option. Never will it be. For if I kill myself it will still be by his hand; his hand that guides mine whenever he chooses to guide it. He will call to me, softly at first, just a murmur in the wind… He will make me wonder what it will be like, if it will hurt at all. He calls me louder now, putting words in my mouth, thoughts in my head…plans. His hand is caressing mine, and his lips are tickling my ears, whispering, "As you wish it."

But that is only a dream, and I live in reality. One day I will finally cease to exist. But for now, I can only imagine. For now, I have to be patient, quiet.

I am not afraid of him. I am not afraid to die. I am not afraid of pain, or guilt, or a misery so deep it creates a hell in my mind. No, I already have all these things. All I truly fear is living forever; living always with wishful thoughts and hopes that will never be realized.
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The love of many is the envy of all.

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#4524 - 02/25/08 10:03 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: PansGirl_v2.3]
Oboids Offline
lurker


Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 3
Loc: Manila, Philippines
I remember being in such a state not too long ago (LOL..7 years ago i think). I remember back then that my favorite book was the book of Ecclesiastes's where the wise one said that all is meaningless and there is nothing new under the sun. I was not just depressed but extremely bored, with no sense of purpose. I felt like a bubble floating and about to burst to nothingness.

Reading this thread made me remember the past and how I struggled and survived, although there is a small part of me that's still scared that the ghost of my past depressions will haunt me one day. And every time I feel scared, I stop and think of my past troubled days, contemplate and then evaluate my present fear. And remind myself to always go back to that very first day, the day I renounced all faiths and said to myself that I will be my own god. I remember the ecstasy I felt after that day, the freedom was addicting and made me feel strong. It made me realize I am strong. I know that I only needed to remind myself that my purpose in life is to live it to its fullest, and that there is just so much out there to explore and to enjoy - boredom is a luxury I will not buy since life is just too short for me not to enjoy every minute of it.

Oh, and I read Ayn Rand! She is simply awesome!

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#5238 - 03/10/08 11:09 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Oboids]
TheMask Offline
member


Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 130
Ive had that feeling for longer periods as well.
Its kind of hard to find a meaning with your life when all you do is limpdick in your room by the PC.
But i think its gotten a bit better for me now. Ive downloaded a bunch of new games to try out for the PS2, ive been meaning to get alot of book on subjects that im interested in and, yeah.

You need to find things to do basically. I know thats its really hard in that state of mind when everything is pointless. But in that case you can either wait until you happen to get into something further or if you simply force yourself into doing something and then realising how fun it is.

Im not gonna tell you not to think negativly, since thats just unrealistic.
Whats the point, you say? You have to find your own point in life, really. For me it used to be making wrestling videos using PS2 games and then uploading them to YouTube.
Im done with that nowadays so now its more about getting in touch with the spiritual world alot more, since that is interesting to me. The other side.

Its hard to think of something to keep you going when youre in that state of mind but there has to be something youre remotely interested in.
Perhaps breaking your everyday routine and doing other things more can help you on the way so you arent trapped in a boring circle.
Dunno if this helps you really.

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#5321 - 03/11/08 09:09 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TheMask]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
 Originally Posted By: TheMask
Ive had that feeling for longer periods as well.
Its kind of hard to find a meaning with your life when all you do is limpdick in your room by the PC.
But i think its gotten a bit better for me now. Ive downloaded a bunch of new games to try out for the PS2, ive been meaning to get alot of book on subjects that im interested in and, yeah.

You need to find things to do basically. I know thats its really hard in that state of mind when everything is pointless. But in that case you can either wait until you happen to get into something further or if you simply force yourself into doing something and then realising how fun it is.

Im not gonna tell you not to think negativly, since thats just unrealistic.
Whats the point, you say? You have to find your own point in life, really. For me it used to be making wrestling videos using PS2 games and then uploading them to YouTube.
Im done with that nowadays so now its more about getting in touch with the spiritual world alot more, since that is interesting to me. The other side.

Its hard to think of something to keep you going when youre in that state of mind but there has to be something youre remotely interested in.
Perhaps breaking your everyday routine and doing other things more can help you on the way so you arent trapped in a boring circle.
Dunno if this helps you really.

Even though you are "getting in touch with the spiritual world" recently (of which isn't a bad thing. Whatever floats your boat really. and sorry if it seems like I'm insulting you, as I'm not meaning to. I'm just re-quoting what you've said), have you ever thought of taking up art as something to occupy yourself with?

I just thought I'd suggest that to you. You don't have to be fantastic at drawing to be able to create an idea and translate it onto paper or canvas. ;\)
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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#5347 - 03/11/08 11:33 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: DistroyA]
TheMask Offline
member


Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 130
No insult taken. How come you wanted to suggest that to me particullary? \:o

I havent drawn that much, for a while it was mostly dicks actually. But i have made a few drawings that i was very satisfied with. Havent thougth much about doing anything further in that tho, most of my creativity used to get out when i was making videos.
I have no idea where it comes out now. o_o

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#5381 - 03/12/08 11:54 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TheMask]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
Well, part of the reason why I suggested art is because I'm an aspiring artist myself, and I like the idea of sharing my experience in creating art with everyone else, even with others creating art.

 Quote:
for a while it was mostly dicks actually.


This made me laugh, for the simple reason that it kinda reminded me of my good friend Lindsay, since some of his doodles are of a similar vain (plus his sense of humour is very dirty).

Hell, even videos can be art, although that depends on your taste in art. Some people like videos and installations, some like sculptures and others like paintings and drawings (such as myself...)

Going back to the drawing dicks thing, that's slightly in a similar vain to H.R. Giger, on of my favourite artists.

Try your hand at it. You'll be surprised what you may come out with.

I wouldn't mind showing my own work off, but I'm unsure if the administration will let me link to my deviantART page (I think I already have on my introduction thread...). If you want to take a gander, gimme a PM. ;\)
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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#5430 - 03/12/08 08:51 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: DistroyA]
TheMask Offline
member


Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 130
Ah, i see. Well, my humour is quite dirty/offensive too. xD
I used to write poems as well, mostly about scat.

Youre right about the "videos can be art" thing. When i was making my videos the last of them actually contained a rather odd storyline with my own created wrestler, a bastard abortion child sent by God to kill my creation, Satan and of course - God which was a black woman.
It was rather satisfying making those videos but when i was done i had some reasons to quit it.

When it comes to paintings and such i simply love Surrealism.
I find it hard to start with things like this tho, i have been interested in Devil worshipping for a few months and just now have taken the act upon myself to order some books on the subject to help me with my calling.

But i do know that once i start doing something, i do it kinda well. Essays, writing songs, whatever. Perhaps i can get the thumb out of my ass and start drawing some pictures again.

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#5433 - 03/12/08 09:05 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TheMask]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
Ahh yes, Surrealism. One of my favourite art movements. Dali and Giger being my favourite artists out of the genre.

As for scat, do you mean scat as in the singing technique, or the more modern usage of it? :P

Don't mind me, I'm a picky bastard. That's semantics for ya.

Yes, take up drawing. It can be therapeutic. Life drawing is wonderful, though if you feel that you're not read to take on that area, start off with still life. Then there is drawing what comes to your mind. Random thoughts and the like. Music helps inspire me sometimes, as do video-games, films, events, etc.

Go crazy with it. You'll enjoy it, I'm sure. ;\)
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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#5438 - 03/12/08 09:30 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: DistroyA]
TheMask Offline
member


Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 130
Oh, its the more modern use of the word in that case. ^^

Yeah, if i were to take up drawing it would be things that come to my mind. Thats how i usually draw. But thanks for the tip man.

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