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#3631 - 01/21/08 06:43 PM I think I may be depressed.
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
Ok. I've reached a point where I think I might actually be depressed but my autism might be acting as a barrier, stopping me feeling it to the fullest extent.

"What's the point", I hear myself saying. Not what's the point of life, but each thing seperately. What's the point of going out to get a job, what's the point of looking for a relationship, what's the point of leaving the house, what's the point of even getting out of bed.

I spend my time in a state of mindless self-indulgence and it's reached a point now where it's the only thing I do. I get up, I eat. I watch TV, I surf the internet, I play online video games or play on the Xbox. Luckily I live in an active communal house so I have social interaction, I have 3 room-mates and often multiple visitors but without them my social interaction would be entirely online.

I claim benefits as opposed to working. I look for work at the bare minimum required to get the benefits, and sometimes I even lie and don't bother looking even for the minimum amout of 3 job applications a month. It took me 6 days before I plucked up the energy to go 3/4's of a mile round trip to the job center to sign on, even to the point of running out of money and rationing my remaining food rather than spend 2 hours setting up my claim for benefits, which is really just free money.

I don't feel the need to do anything. HOWEVER, unlike most people in a depressive state, I don't feel distraught, I don't feel upset, I don't feel the opposite of happy. I'm not happy either though. I'm a little less than content, I really just exist.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm in a rather self destructive path and I know I need help, the problem is I can't be bothered. That's what makes me wonder if this is depression. I don't need therapy, I definately don't want medication. I need something, anything to fall into my life, but it needs to happen and I'm making no steps to make it happen. It's a self fulfilling circle. Without me helping myself I will stay like this.

I need to mail a letter, I should have done it 3 days ago and the mail box is only a 2min walk away but I can't be assed. I should have phoned my college but I've become so lazy that I can't even be bothered to charge my mobile phone. I lost my keys somewhere in the house about 2-3 days ago, and that's given me even more of an excuse to not leave the house. I haven't payed this months rent, and can't pay next months rent, I could claim housing benefit to pay it, I even have the forms, yet I can't be assed to fill out the forms and take them 1/2 a mile downhill to the town hall... I know tomorrow would be the perfect time to do it but without coercion from an outside party, like someone specifically heading to the town hall with me I probably won't go tomorrow.

I've reached a point where the future doesn't matter to me, it's incidental. I don't care that I could be homeless next month, it doesn't matter to me, in fact nothing does. The only thing I don't want is pain. I'm like a machine. I do things to reduce pain, hunger, thirst and lust, nothing more. Even lust is becomming a chore. I can't be assed seeking a relationship, and 'personal relief' is barely even that, it's not even something I think about much, it's just a way to pass the time... the same as playing a video game or watching TV.

I believe I may be rambling now, but somehow I think my point may even be made more apparent by this. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm identifing this problem before it gets worse. I'm currently boardering on a point where when I accidentally cut my arm watching it bleed for about 5 mins was a worthwhile use of my time, so much so that it was near entrancing.
I think I could do with some help, but somehow I doubt I'll actually help myself.

Opinions? Comments?
_________________________
If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#3635 - 01/21/08 07:58 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Asmedious Moderator Offline
Moderator
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Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 1737
Loc: New York
I wont even pretend to know how to help someone in your situation, even though, at times, I have experienced similar feelings, which as you say, basically boil down to “What’s the point of it all?’

This might be one of the major pitfalls of “Satanism” and other philosophies, which might over rationalize things, that most people take for granted.

Our free thinking philosophy, may be fun at times, and greatly liberating up to a point, but at the risk of sounding dramatic, it also opens up the view to a great void, which we often can’t fill. We get close to the cliff, beyond which is insanity.

Some famous free thinking minds, have fallen into that trap, if it is a trap at all. Nitzche (sp?) Who was one of the greatest free thinkers of all time, ended his last days, in an insane asylum. I don’t believe that Crowley faired much better.

I wonder if Anton LaVey, might have not faced a similar fate, if he had lived long enough. When I read his ideas about creating ones own private world, or environment, and wondering about silicone companions, or perhaps robots and such, was he not also near that edge? Did Satanism bring him fulfillment and happiness, or instead, closer to depression, and sorrow, when he realized the same thing which you are talking about. The “What’s the point of it all?” dilemma.
Actually, I am not expressing myself well here, because the negative feelings (and they aren’t even negative) is not “sorrow” or “depression” but more like “nothingness.”

What are we left with, when there is no longer a Santa Claus, Unicorns, Fairies under rocks, Spirits, goblins, Easter Bunnies, or a big daddy in the sky, and our existence appears to be merely because the planet is hungry for more shit.

We can only eat so much good food, watch so many movies, read so many books, learn so many things, and fuck just so much, before we over fill ourselves with indulgences, to the point that we end up like children in a chocolate factory, who can eat as much as they want. After awhile, things just don’t taste that good, as they once did, before they became routine, and common place.

I’ve been in a similar place where you are, and the only thing that got me out of the “rut” was finding myself so far at the bottom, where I had no luxuries to speak of. At one point, I didn’t even know where my next meal was coming from. There was nothing to indulge in.

Joy came back, when I was able to slowly start to rebuild, from the very bottom. The “good things” in life, again started to have meaning, after having done so long without them. Buying a new car, making new friends, eating fine foods again, and the like, all started to have value again.

Yet at times, I find myself on that edge again, where things just don’t seem to matter, and that is when I have to go back to that place when I had absolutely nothing, even if only in my mind, to help me to appreciate the indulgences that are available and not take them for granted.

Perhaps, the place called “HELL” is not a place of fire and pain, but a place where one has everything, and can do anything one desires, for ever. A place such as that, would be truly a place of great suffering after awhile.
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"The first order of government is the protection of its citizens right to be left alone."

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#3637 - 01/21/08 08:49 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Asmedious]
Sven Offline
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Registered: 01/19/08
Posts: 46
Reminds me of Jean-Paul Sartre's existential ideals. Where Sartre said that we are "condemned to be free" and that no matter how much we try to deny it there is no point to life. I can understand the feeling there being no point. And I agree with Asmedious that "Satanism" and other free thinking philosophies have a deterrence about them because the acknowlegde that there is that parts of life that can't be fulfill. With one of the most important points is creating a point for life.

But I think Satanism as a philosophy creates a more rational approach to trying to deal with that onimous thought of there being nothing. As apposed to most other reilgions and phiolosphies who, in my view, create fairy tales and strict ways of life for a nonexistent God to make life feel worth living. On a indivdual level people deal with a possibilty of "nothing" and can possibly accept it, but as a whole a society could not retain order if they didn't have the use of a afterlife to use as means to bluffthe masses into order.
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A poor fool indeed is he who adopts a manner of thinking for others!
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#3639 - 01/21/08 09:12 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Sven]
TornadoCreator Offline
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Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
The problem I find is nothing is fulfilliing anymore. I would say that the point in life is to be happy, do whatever makes you happy, however NOTHING makes me happy anymore. All I have are more and more ingenius ways of wasting time. That's why I'm feeling depressed I think.
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If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#3641 - 01/21/08 11:58 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
fakepropht Moderator Offline
Big Slick
active member


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 990
Loc: Texas
 Quote:
I need something, anything to fall into my life, but it needs to happen and I'm making no steps to make it happen. It's a self fulfilling circle. Without me helping myself I will stay like this.


Therein lies the crux of your problem. You are waiting for this golden egg to plop into your lap and somehow give you the energy or motivation to get on with your life. Instead of taking the initiative to make it happen for yourself. I can relate somewhat to your situation. I have a million projects around the house that I have started, only to lose interest in, and now they sit in a semi state of finished. I have parts of walls painted. Materials in the basement for a project. I never did get my "man cave" poker haven built in my basement. Yet I have several other projects that I have carried to completion, which continue to give me satisfaction every day. I have a "Halloween" room that is truly a sight to behold. I actually got off my ass and fixed some leaking faucets and toilets that not only gave me a sense of accomplishment, it saved me a $$ in the long run.

Is there drugs or alcohol involved? I know these can be factors in reducing motivation to actually do something that is necessary. Perhaps, if there are, it might be time to evaluate whether these indulgences have moved from fun to necessity. If the getting the next high and staying high has become more important than paying the rent, you have a problem.

I think many of us go through a rut in our lives, where we feel all we are doing is existing. I have questioned several times why I worry so much about the job I hold. In the grand scheme of things, it matters so little. I'm 40. I have maybe 20 more years of productivity. Given the life I have lead and lead, I might be lucky to see the other side of 70. It would be very easy for me to say the same, "so what"? Why hold down a steady job? Why worry about the fence that is falling down? What real impact will it have if I bother to get out of bed today? I could easily lose my job tomorrow, and all the sweat, weekends I came in to catch up, decication I put in, would be for nothing. I think you need to get out of this funk you find yourself in, and aim for a sense of accomplishment. Even if it is walking the few steps to the mail box to drop your envelope in. You have elected to sign onto this site as a Satanist. Therefore, you must have researched some of the writings that go along with being a Satanist. I know some here view LaVey's writings as just another source of information, I will use these as a reminder:

From the Nine Satanic Sins:
#6 Lack of Perspective

From the Nine Satanic Statements:
2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams.

6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires.

No I'm not a shill for CoS, but only trying to add some perspective.
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Beer, the reason I get up every afternoon.

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#3643 - 01/22/08 12:27 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Woland Moderator Offline
Seasoned
active member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 764
Loc: Oslo, Norway
 Originally Posted By: TornadoCreator
The problem I find is nothing is fulfilliing anymore. I would say that the point in life is to be happy, do whatever makes you happy, however NOTHING makes me happy anymore. All I have are more and more ingenius ways of wasting time. That's why I'm feeling depressed I think.


Might I suggest Sex?
Breeding?
Create a little tornado, so to speak?
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Regards

Woland

Contra Mundum!

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#3646 - 01/22/08 03:06 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Woland]
blackdragon31560 Offline
pledge


Registered: 08/30/07
Posts: 74
Loc: Hell Paso, TX
 Quote:
I wont even pretend to know how to help someone in your situation, even though, at times, I have experienced similar feelings, which as you say, basically boil down to “What’s the point of it all?



I couldn’t agree more, with everyone’s replies

 Quote:
“I wonder if Anton LaVey, might have not faced a similar fate, if he had lived long enough. When I read his ideas about creating ones own private world, or environment, and wondering about silicone companions, or perhaps robots and such, was he not also near that edge?”


I don’t think so, its a tool used to motivate your self, there are many things in the world, where we must bend, do what we disagree with to move up. Home is a place here you can truly be yourself, without restraint, at least to me. I have no idea what others feel about that concept.

I think people like you TornadoCreator, Asmedious, and others ( me included ) that get the this feeling or maybe the lack of it, the “nothingness” as simply a indicator, that you/we must reevaluate your goals and aspirations. I have done that many times, I think I have changed for the better. I think trying to find a goal, that’s simply leads to another, would do the trick, find but finding one you would enjoy or find stimulating will be very difficult. i know this isn't an answer simply my opinion.


Edited by blackdragon31560 (01/22/08 03:06 AM)
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#3650 - 01/22/08 03:03 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: blackdragon31560]
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
Everything is in perspective for me now, I'm not stressed, I'm not overworked. I'm just depressed. There's no reason for it as far as I can see and if I wasn't autistic I imagine I'd say something like "but then there's no reason for anything, woe is me" or some other depressive bullshit. I'm not trying to convince myself that I'm not responsible for everything, I just... don't care, not in an arrogant way, but in a scary realisation way. This concerns me, especially as before long I can see it not bothering me at all, with me content to rot away in my own filth.

Luckily I'm not a drug user and I drink extremely rarely. I drink an excessive amount of caffine, (and my lack of Coka Cola whilst typing this is actually getting to me), but nothing that would make the situation any different on a drastic level.

Thanks for the other perspectives anyway. I'm not sure what I wanted to achieve with this, I know it wasn't sympathy or attention I wanted, but I'm not sure what it was I did want.
_________________________
If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#3652 - 01/22/08 03:50 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Soluna666 Offline
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Registered: 12/18/07
Posts: 29
Loc: Canada
This may sound over-simplified, but I'm only speaking from experience. I used to drink excessive amounts of caffeine as well. I mean a lot!! I was extremely moody, and very, very depressed, listless, brooding, and apathetic about life in general....no desire to do anything.

I decided to stop. What a difference. I had more energy, yet I was more relaxed, and I became interested in life again. I felt greater clarity in my mind as if a mental fog had lifted. Believe me, this is all for real.

I now drink coffee again, but not even close to the gallons I used to consume. Caffeine, especially combined with sugar, wreaks havoc on the nervous system, as well as the digestive system. I don't need a doctor to tell me this...I know.

We live in an over-caffeinated society. People are wired to it, and then they wonder where all their anxiety and stress and depression is coming from. Then the drug companies make billions on prescriptions designed to counter these conditions.

I don't know if this helps you, but sometimes emotional imbalance is simply a dietary matter. Drink coffee if you want, but I guarantee you'll feel some relief without it. And Coke!!!
Poison!!! BTW, if you do decide to lay off the coffee, do it gradually or be prepared for some very unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.


Edited by Soluna666 (01/22/08 03:53 PM)

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#3655 - 01/22/08 08:36 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Succubus666 Offline
member


Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 161
I’m not sure what medications you’re taking, legal or illegal, but have you considered the possibility that they are making you apathetic? I only mention it because I have had similar experiences with taking medications are supposed to make you feel better, and instead the result is that you become indifferent to what’s going on around you and to life itself. I believe it’s the state people often referred to as being “comfortably numb”... One thing many people don’t realize about antidepressants in particular is that they don’t just reduce the bad feelings, they reduce the good ones as well.
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#3657 - 01/23/08 07:18 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Succubus666]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
Absolutely.

Years ago I had a lot of high anxiety problems and told my doctor, and she prescribed me Paxil. Oh, that stuff took away my anxiety, but just as you said, Tala, it took away everything else too. I had the worst time trying to fall asleep at nights, and it would give me terrible drymouth, so it seemed I could never drink enough water. I hated it, and decided to stop taking it after a couple of months. I still get the anxiety (after driving long distances, worrying about things I can't control, etc.), but it's infrequent and doesn't last very long. It's better than feeling nothing at all.

TC, you're just in a deep rut, and sometimes these things just need to wear themselves out before you can get back on track. Ruts are a pain the ass, and suck while you're in them, but they're important to have occasionally in one's life, if only so you can look back and say to yourself, "Damn, I don't want to get to that point again."
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Nothing is sacred.

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#3661 - 01/23/08 12:26 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Nemesis]
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
I was homeless for about 14 weeks. I spent this time sleeping on the street or randomly in a feild. I had no money, many times went 3-4 days without food and I only got out of this due to my friends and my ex who dragged me out of this.... I'm quickly heading back there. I have no money, I'm 1 month behind in the rent, My benefit claim was rejected and I have no true job prospects. My current rut is causing me to fall further and trust me when I say I know how bad it is, I just can't stop myself. For some reason I can't pull myself away from the train wreck.

Thanks everyone for the advice, I don't expect sympathy or help, especially as I wouldn't freely give it myself if it was someone else. I got myself into this mess and I can get myself out, I just need to break the pattern.
_________________________
If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#3693 - 01/25/08 01:32 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
hippydog Offline
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Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 3
I went thru a period like your describing..
it took attempting suicide (you know your a loser when you can't even do death correctly), then ending up in jail... twice.. to make me realize I needed a complete refab of my outlook on life.

depression is a hole that you dig yourself.. you can only get out when you decide that you want to live.

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#3697 - 01/25/08 04:56 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: hippydog]
Satansfarm Offline
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Registered: 01/12/08
Posts: 352
Loc: america
A shaman sets out into the wilderness, basically inviting the woods /desert/etc to try to kill him /her/ it...
These extreme conditions and stresses bring out the most basic survival instincts. One of the most important components of this is the ability to do magic. Hey, when you really, really need something, stuff happens.

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#3718 - 01/28/08 03:14 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Satansfarm]
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
For some reason I'm a definate survivor. It doesn't matter how bad it gets I always bounce back, I intend to do that in my current situation as well.
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If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#3724 - 01/29/08 12:41 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
ZephyrGirl Offline
R.I.P.
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Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 706
Loc: Adelaide Australia
I got like that as well sometimes before I had kids. Lack of direction or passion in iife.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass -
It's about learning to dance in the rain.


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#3858 - 02/05/08 01:37 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
I felt something similar a couple of months ago. I was wondering why I was continuing to exist whilst my life was becoming mundane.

The thing is, I needed direction, a goal, something to look forward to. And I know the only person who can do that for me.

Basically, you need to find your direction in life. Find out what it is you're best at, find your goal, and work your way up to it, and keep working at it when you get there.

Although indulgence is fine and dandy, making something of yourself will make you feel much better about yourself. I may not be at the top yet, but I'm on my way up the ladder. Slowly but surely, I'll get to the top.

And I know that if I get knocked off slightly, I have the support of my friends. And if you find that you cannot find your direction, then look for a source of inspiration, and put your energy into what you want to achieve. And even if things look bleak, people are there to offer advice and help. Hell, I don't know you, yet I'm offering any kind of guidance if you ask of it. Although a Satanist must in general rely upon themselves, there are some things that we cannot achieve alone. I know I'm not alone, and this gives me the drive and optimism.

The point is, you aren't alone, and you have the support of your fellow man. At least me anyway. ;\)
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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#3908 - 02/06/08 11:10 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Noc Offline
pledge


Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 76
Loc: Delaware
I believe that everyone has experienced depression at one point in there lives. Most peoples lives are so busy and have so many things going on that they don't even know when they have it half the time.

Most people who drink do drugs on a regular basis are usually have a form of depression but the drinking and drugs masks the problem.

I've recently had a battle with depression and it sucks. Here I had everything going for me in life. I was running 3 businesses making good money and was in excellent health. Was a bodybuilder,was into motocross,had cars, trucks, well hell had everything going for me.

Then one day I came home after an exhausting day and plopped in my chair and it felt like my back ripped into. I thought it was just a pulled muscle and that the pain would go away in a few weeks.

Well the few weeks was turned into a couple of months. I was in so much pain that I had to go to the hospital by ambulance and after tests they found out hat I had herniated discs L3-L4, L-4,L-5, L5-S1 and that I needed emergency surgery.

Had the surgery over a year ago and right after the surgery I wake up to numbness in my right leg, and pins and needles in my foot and its a constant pain. They've tried to give me drugs for it but they didn't help. I have dealt with major back pain and burning and pins and needles with stabbing in my right foot for over a year now. And now they want me to have another surgery which I am refusing because the first surgery has made me worse and I'm not taking another chance for them to fuck me up even more.

Needless to say I cant workout, or really do anything that I was able to before surgery and that about made me go crazy. It totally changed my life in an instant. I never thought anything like that would happen to me, but in a strange way it has made me stronger.

Because now I don't take anything for granted anymore like i used to,and I live everyday like it could be my last. I just take it as an experience dealt to me to see how I would handle the problem, and at first I didn't handle it very well. But it made me take a long look at myself and to dig deep inside to find out what really matters to me.

All things come from within, and I had forgot my path until after having surgery. It opened has opened my eyes up to what is really important and I know that it doesn't matter how good or bad things are going on in my life, That I'm strong enough to deal with anything and will overcome and challenge thrown my way. And I wouldn't have been thinking that unless this surgery wouldn't have slapped me in the face.

Sometimes bad things happen to people to make them open up there eyes, because they've falling off there paths and sometimes it takes the bad things in life for you to see all the good.

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#4013 - 02/09/08 06:20 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Noc]
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
Hey Noc. I've been in a similar situation myself as I've had extensive surgery on my chest severely reducing my upper body strength. Hell, as you've said, you need bad things in life before you can see all the good.

Thanks for the support DestroyA but I don't think it would be all that useful, although it's nice to know someone out there is thoughtful. Being a Satanist means relying on yourself, it doesn't mean ignoring others and refusing to ask for or accept help. I appreciate the gesture.

I've recently pulled myself up. Or at least I feel as though I have. I'm more social than I was. I'm studying Aikido which is drastically improving my health and focus. It's nice to have had you guys to talk to though and I've missed being away from the internet for so long.
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If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#4056 - 02/10/08 07:02 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
That's good to hear TC. Perhaps your "recovery", so to speak, was due to not having internet access? Could it have been exerting too great of an influence and causing the apathy you've been experiencing lately?
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Nothing is sacred.

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#4179 - 02/13/08 03:13 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Nemesis]
TornadoCreator Offline
member


Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 586
Loc: No Fixed Address
It's very easy to wallow in self pity when every depressed person in the world and there collection on bad poetry is accessable from your bedroom.

I think it may have caused me to seek something other than sitting and doing nothing as I didn't have my normal escape, so quite possibly.
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If you can't practice what you preach, at least have the decency to preach what you practice

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#4470 - 02/22/08 11:22 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TornadoCreator]
PansGirl_v2.3 Offline
stranger


Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 30
Loc: TX U.S.
He will never come for me. I am certain of that now. He laughs at me, mocking me, grinning his ruthless smile, showing off those perfect ivories. He teases me, taking everyone else: the undeserving.

These perfectly happy people, those who have everything to live for, he takes them but not me. Even those whose lives are more miserable and pathetic than mine, even they are granted the easy way out.

Often, I have wondered if he has a personal vendetta against me. No, I have not tried to stop him; all I have asked for him is to make a final choice: to either release his hold, or grab me tighter.

But he will grant me no such request. I am ignored and taunted at the same time. I marvel at his power and greed, his selfishness and wit, his awful sense of humor. He gave me the gift of empathy, but cursed me with an ego. He promised me happiness, but filled me with self-pity. He taught me to love, but also showed me to hate. A cruel mentor, I learned from him the most sinful pleasures of the world: vanity, envy, lust, coldness, darkness, sloth, anger, greed; he gave me no end to them.

The end cannot even justify the means; for me there will be no end. I will exist forever, because he hates me. For this he will not grant me that final peace and serenity that so many others are privy to. So many others but me.

Suicide is not an option. Never will it be. For if I kill myself it will still be by his hand; his hand that guides mine whenever he chooses to guide it. He will call to me, softly at first, just a murmur in the wind… He will make me wonder what it will be like, if it will hurt at all. He calls me louder now, putting words in my mouth, thoughts in my head…plans. His hand is caressing mine, and his lips are tickling my ears, whispering, "As you wish it."

But that is only a dream, and I live in reality. One day I will finally cease to exist. But for now, I can only imagine. For now, I have to be patient, quiet.

I am not afraid of him. I am not afraid to die. I am not afraid of pain, or guilt, or a misery so deep it creates a hell in my mind. No, I already have all these things. All I truly fear is living forever; living always with wishful thoughts and hopes that will never be realized.
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352-Inksie

The love of many is the envy of all.

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#4524 - 02/25/08 10:03 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: PansGirl_v2.3]
Oboids Offline
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Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 3
Loc: Manila, Philippines
I remember being in such a state not too long ago (LOL..7 years ago i think). I remember back then that my favorite book was the book of Ecclesiastes's where the wise one said that all is meaningless and there is nothing new under the sun. I was not just depressed but extremely bored, with no sense of purpose. I felt like a bubble floating and about to burst to nothingness.

Reading this thread made me remember the past and how I struggled and survived, although there is a small part of me that's still scared that the ghost of my past depressions will haunt me one day. And every time I feel scared, I stop and think of my past troubled days, contemplate and then evaluate my present fear. And remind myself to always go back to that very first day, the day I renounced all faiths and said to myself that I will be my own god. I remember the ecstasy I felt after that day, the freedom was addicting and made me feel strong. It made me realize I am strong. I know that I only needed to remind myself that my purpose in life is to live it to its fullest, and that there is just so much out there to explore and to enjoy - boredom is a luxury I will not buy since life is just too short for me not to enjoy every minute of it.

Oh, and I read Ayn Rand! She is simply awesome!

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#5238 - 03/10/08 11:09 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: Oboids]
TheMask Offline
member


Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 130
Ive had that feeling for longer periods as well.
Its kind of hard to find a meaning with your life when all you do is limpdick in your room by the PC.
But i think its gotten a bit better for me now. Ive downloaded a bunch of new games to try out for the PS2, ive been meaning to get alot of book on subjects that im interested in and, yeah.

You need to find things to do basically. I know thats its really hard in that state of mind when everything is pointless. But in that case you can either wait until you happen to get into something further or if you simply force yourself into doing something and then realising how fun it is.

Im not gonna tell you not to think negativly, since thats just unrealistic.
Whats the point, you say? You have to find your own point in life, really. For me it used to be making wrestling videos using PS2 games and then uploading them to YouTube.
Im done with that nowadays so now its more about getting in touch with the spiritual world alot more, since that is interesting to me. The other side.

Its hard to think of something to keep you going when youre in that state of mind but there has to be something youre remotely interested in.
Perhaps breaking your everyday routine and doing other things more can help you on the way so you arent trapped in a boring circle.
Dunno if this helps you really.

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#5321 - 03/11/08 09:09 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TheMask]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
 Originally Posted By: TheMask
Ive had that feeling for longer periods as well.
Its kind of hard to find a meaning with your life when all you do is limpdick in your room by the PC.
But i think its gotten a bit better for me now. Ive downloaded a bunch of new games to try out for the PS2, ive been meaning to get alot of book on subjects that im interested in and, yeah.

You need to find things to do basically. I know thats its really hard in that state of mind when everything is pointless. But in that case you can either wait until you happen to get into something further or if you simply force yourself into doing something and then realising how fun it is.

Im not gonna tell you not to think negativly, since thats just unrealistic.
Whats the point, you say? You have to find your own point in life, really. For me it used to be making wrestling videos using PS2 games and then uploading them to YouTube.
Im done with that nowadays so now its more about getting in touch with the spiritual world alot more, since that is interesting to me. The other side.

Its hard to think of something to keep you going when youre in that state of mind but there has to be something youre remotely interested in.
Perhaps breaking your everyday routine and doing other things more can help you on the way so you arent trapped in a boring circle.
Dunno if this helps you really.

Even though you are "getting in touch with the spiritual world" recently (of which isn't a bad thing. Whatever floats your boat really. and sorry if it seems like I'm insulting you, as I'm not meaning to. I'm just re-quoting what you've said), have you ever thought of taking up art as something to occupy yourself with?

I just thought I'd suggest that to you. You don't have to be fantastic at drawing to be able to create an idea and translate it onto paper or canvas. ;\)
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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#5347 - 03/11/08 11:33 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: DistroyA]
TheMask Offline
member


Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 130
No insult taken. How come you wanted to suggest that to me particullary? \:o

I havent drawn that much, for a while it was mostly dicks actually. But i have made a few drawings that i was very satisfied with. Havent thougth much about doing anything further in that tho, most of my creativity used to get out when i was making videos.
I have no idea where it comes out now. o_o

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#5381 - 03/12/08 11:54 AM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TheMask]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
Well, part of the reason why I suggested art is because I'm an aspiring artist myself, and I like the idea of sharing my experience in creating art with everyone else, even with others creating art.

 Quote:
for a while it was mostly dicks actually.


This made me laugh, for the simple reason that it kinda reminded me of my good friend Lindsay, since some of his doodles are of a similar vain (plus his sense of humour is very dirty).

Hell, even videos can be art, although that depends on your taste in art. Some people like videos and installations, some like sculptures and others like paintings and drawings (such as myself...)

Going back to the drawing dicks thing, that's slightly in a similar vain to H.R. Giger, on of my favourite artists.

Try your hand at it. You'll be surprised what you may come out with.

I wouldn't mind showing my own work off, but I'm unsure if the administration will let me link to my deviantART page (I think I already have on my introduction thread...). If you want to take a gander, gimme a PM. ;\)
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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#5430 - 03/12/08 08:51 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: DistroyA]
TheMask Offline
member


Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 130
Ah, i see. Well, my humour is quite dirty/offensive too. xD
I used to write poems as well, mostly about scat.

Youre right about the "videos can be art" thing. When i was making my videos the last of them actually contained a rather odd storyline with my own created wrestler, a bastard abortion child sent by God to kill my creation, Satan and of course - God which was a black woman.
It was rather satisfying making those videos but when i was done i had some reasons to quit it.

When it comes to paintings and such i simply love Surrealism.
I find it hard to start with things like this tho, i have been interested in Devil worshipping for a few months and just now have taken the act upon myself to order some books on the subject to help me with my calling.

But i do know that once i start doing something, i do it kinda well. Essays, writing songs, whatever. Perhaps i can get the thumb out of my ass and start drawing some pictures again.

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#5433 - 03/12/08 09:05 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TheMask]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
Ahh yes, Surrealism. One of my favourite art movements. Dali and Giger being my favourite artists out of the genre.

As for scat, do you mean scat as in the singing technique, or the more modern usage of it? :P

Don't mind me, I'm a picky bastard. That's semantics for ya.

Yes, take up drawing. It can be therapeutic. Life drawing is wonderful, though if you feel that you're not read to take on that area, start off with still life. Then there is drawing what comes to your mind. Random thoughts and the like. Music helps inspire me sometimes, as do video-games, films, events, etc.

Go crazy with it. You'll enjoy it, I'm sure. ;\)
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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#5438 - 03/12/08 09:30 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: DistroyA]
TheMask Offline
member


Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 130
Oh, its the more modern use of the word in that case. ^^

Yeah, if i were to take up drawing it would be things that come to my mind. Thats how i usually draw. But thanks for the tip man.

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#5440 - 03/12/08 09:41 PM Re: I think I may be depressed. [Re: TheMask]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
No problem. The only reason why I suggested life drawing and still life drawing is to help with technique. As the old saying goes, there's always room for improvement.
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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