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#5422 - 03/12/08 08:18 PM Compulsive thinking & other relationship problems
TheMask Offline
member


Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 130
I should warn you that this is a pretty long post. But i guess that i have alot to say about these problems that i have.
Let me first state that i havent had a very good childhood or upbringing. My parents used the smacking-method on me in the wrong way and ive been bullied more or less for longer periods of time.
Im stating this in case that someone could see it as an explanation to these problems.



So, lets begin.
Im having quite the problem with my own thoughts in the relationship that i am in. I constantly keep overanalyzing things that i do/think to a very deep and dark extent going all the way into the subconscious. I can give you an example. It is long but im trying to show what i mean.

Today me and my girlfriend spent time together. Everything was going quite fine until the time came when she was about to leave and it was about 10:30 PM. She has a 10 minute walk home partly through town and we live in a small town with about 20'000 people but there is still some shit going down here. The town is known for its flow of drugs, even though i dont manage to find any. But thats a different story.

The night before i was going to meet her in town for a talk, it was about as late and not many people out. She said that on her way to meet me someone honked and waved at her in a car when driving by and she had no idea who it was.
We didnt pay much attention to it and later sat down and talked a bit. But the person kept driving back and forth, honking and waving. He did this a few times, then he was driving on the side of the road close to us like he was about to pull in but he spotted me and kept on driving. He didnt come back later.

I found it highly odd but we continued talking. The person didnt come back. Today she said that she told her parents about it and they suspected that he thought my gf was a hooker (even though she was wearing normal clothes, baggy military pants and a leather jacket) and possibly could have just jumped out, beaten her and grabbed her.

Anyway, back to the matter. With this in mind i was a little bit worried and of course i thought that i would walk her home for a while up ahead. Like i normally do.

When she was about to leave she said that she wanted to go by herself, in order to get some privacy since she doesnt get much privacy at home. I got mad, as usual, and talked about how she didnt know that it was dangerous out and that i wanted to walk her home. Yet she insisted.

So we had a bit of an argument and i was angry. All the way up to a point where the anger suddenly stopped and i instead began to feel a bit sad and cry. If she wants to go by herself then i shouldnt stop her - Its her choice and i should respect her choice. I dont know why i cried. But i now later came to think about it.

Perhaps i did it simply because i subconsciesly knew that she was going to give in if she saw that i did. She comforted me and then was about to leave and i think i felt a bit confused that she didnt want me to come with her even though that i wanted to respect her choice and try to not be so controlling for once.

And for that matter - Perhaps i just wanted to walk her home in order to have control and not because i cared. Of course, i feel uneased and worried knowing that she is going home by herself in the dark but maybe that is a product of the control that i need to have?

Other then this as an example of my need for control, when shes gonna hang out with her friends or go to a party i often ask her out alot and get mad that shes simply going to a party with her friends.

"Is there gonna be alot of boys there? Are you gonna get wasted?"
I cant remember the last time i asked the second question but its all still in the same fashion. Just an example.



My compulsive over-thinking has come to the point in which where i cant be certain about many things. I doubt alot of things with my own thoughts and feelings. I also doubt what the intention with my actions are.
"Am i doing this because i want to or is there something else involved?"
The story that i told is meant to give an example of how i think sometimes.
I happen to think "what if?" alot. What if i like my best friend more then a friend? What if i like this person more then a friend because of that?

I sometimes think that my subconscious wants something else other then what i want. And this is starting to be a real pain as i cant even be certain about things one should be certain about. "I dont know", "Im not sure" and "I think" are all terms i use alot nowadays because of this.

Does somebody here know what my problem is? I tend to get mad for small things alot as well and make up big fights because of that.
One overanalyzing thought over why i start fights all of the time based on little is that im trying to push her away from me. But i just dont know if that holds much truth to it at all since i have been like this in previous relationships as well.

Perhaps not with the overanalyzing but certainly with the "get mad over small things", "controlling and jealous" type of behaviour. When it comes to relationships its like i am a freaking psychopath. I also seem to aquaire compulsive behaviour in relationships.

In my first it was mostly things like taking me 30 minutes to brush my teeth. In my second i cant remember any but then again we only dated for 3 months. And in this one, my third, its these over-analyzing thoughts and thinking too much about small matters.


I would prefer if i didnt get such tips as "See a psychiatrist" since i have tried that already. The first one i went to met me once a week and we talked for an hour which was barely enough. I also found out that she was a christian after she talked about there "being good in all human beings" and i didnt think that suited me much. So i quit.

After this i was tipped about another psychiatrist which was supposed to be very good but it didnt take me long to notice that this woman could barely keep her mouth shut and constantly kept yapping. She did most of the talking, i didnt get to talk much about myself.
Of course, she gave me a few tips that worked really well and all but i just couldnt take it after a while. I stopped seeing her about the time when these problems occured.

Other then that i dont feel like paying for such a service. One hour a week isnt enough for me and i dont think i can find any shrink soon that is in my taste. Especially not in this dump.


If you have managed to read this far, thank you very much. And i hope that someone can give me some help or advice. I have been trying to push these thoughts away and it has helped to an extent but i still have a long way to go.


Edited by TheMask (03/12/08 08:32 PM)

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#5473 - 03/13/08 01:42 AM Re: Compulsive thinking & other relationship probl [Re: TheMask]
LUCIFERIFIC Offline
active member


Registered: 02/01/08
Posts: 629
Loc: CA
This is a tough one.

I don't usually think a lot, or at all most the time, unless I have to, like when i was in school.

But when i was younger i noticed that every time i smoked weed, i would go quite, and my mind would shut down, and it would be focused on one thing, and i'd just be there compulsively thinking about that one thing until the weed wore off. It bugs me.

Yeah, there are times when i think a lot and i can't do anything, like when i get into fights with my significant other; and i'd go for days just compulsively thinking.

Here's what I do to slow my mind down and stop:

I close my eyes and breath very deep and slowly, then i pick something to chant; anything. I chant "As I breath in my minds is quite..." "...My thoughts leave with my breath..."

The chanting occupies my mind, cuz I hafta think about those words, and it helps keep the breathing rhythm. And I play happy music in the background. This works for me. You might want to try it. Then after my mind is relax from this meditation, I drink a whole bottle of wine to myself... it helps.
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Lux Ex Tenebris
Lux Lucet Ex Orientis


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#5485 - 03/13/08 03:21 AM Re: Compulsive thinking & other relationship probl [Re: LUCIFERIFIC]
DaVinci Offline
member


Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Australia
Try focusing on something that isn't directly involved with the present item that is causing the compulsions. That's what I've always done and, believe me, it's gotten me out of situations that could have been lethal.
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"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers." - José Narosky

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#5498 - 03/13/08 05:40 AM Re: Compulsive thinking & other relationship probl [Re: DaVinci]
Jeseth Offline
pledge


Registered: 02/24/08
Posts: 91
Loc: California
I have issues with with impulse control, too. I've done things that I didn't think myself capable of, just because I felt a yearning to. Growing up, it caused a lot of problems for me with my peers, and to this day some of them resent me. Do you really feel that you need to control your urges, though?

Have you ever you considered that maybe you're just not cut out for a vanilla relationship? Your "psychopathic" feelings towards your significant others are perfectly natural. You want to love, posses, dominate and control the women your with - or at least it sounds that way - and that seems normal to me. In a way, you may be feeling towards them as you would towards a pet: that they're defenseless and in need of your protection in order to survive. Maybe you need a woman who wants that sort of attention?

For example, the girl I live with enjoys being treated as my possession. To an outsider, our relationship might seem abusive, or even one-sided, but I love her in my way, and she loves me in hers. My feelings and actions towards her might be seen as psychopathic by some, but they're what comes naturally to me.

Maybe what you're feeling isn't wrong at all, and you just need to fall in love with someone who will appreciate the manner in which you express yourself?

Just a thought.
_________________________
"Life is of no value but as it brings us gratifications."
— Thomas Jefferson

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#5504 - 03/13/08 07:36 AM Re: Compulsive thinking & other relationship probl [Re: Jeseth]
DistroyA Offline
member


Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 478
Loc: Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, UK
Wow. Although it's not the sort of thing I'd agree with at first sight, the deeper I read into it, the more beautiful a relationship you and your partner have.

I wish you both the best of happiness.

Sorry about the mushiness there. That just touched my heart. And I mean it in all sincerity.
_________________________
"A man chooses, a slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan of Ryan Industries (Bioshock)

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#5544 - 03/13/08 01:31 PM Re: Compulsive thinking & other relationship probl [Re: DistroyA]
Jeseth Offline
pledge


Registered: 02/24/08
Posts: 91
Loc: California
Thank you for your kind words. I'll return the positive thoughts in kind.

I was just trying to point out to TheMask, that sometimes you have to stop asking yourself, "What's wrong with me?" and start asking yourself, "What's wrong with the situation I'm in?" There's nothing bad about wanting to feel and experience life in the manner that comes most naturally to you.

And TheMask, if you really feel like you need to change who you trend towards being with your partners, then consider Ritalin or other ADD medication. It might help to control your impulsive thinking. Ask a professional to tell you more about it. It worked well for me while I was on it.
_________________________
"Life is of no value but as it brings us gratifications."
— Thomas Jefferson

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#5547 - 03/13/08 02:10 PM Re: Compulsive thinking & other relationship problems [Re: TheMask]
Sinistar Offline
member


Registered: 10/07/07
Posts: 174
Loc: New York City
I'm no expert but I can can only go by past experiences so please bear with me.

It sounds to me like you tend to be a little bit of the jealous type mixed together with the fact that you haven't trusted any of your significant others in past relationships. Any Psychology 101 text will tell you that this is all a result of low self esteem. Unless all the women that you've been with gave you at least a reason not to trust them.

Stressors outside of the relationship could be another possibility. Maybe something else entirely is making you feel insecure.

An ideal relationship (Hard to find, of course) would be partners bringing out the best in each other and actually feeling true and utter happiness. That's pretty much why people get hooked up in the first place. Yet even so, another person will never fill the void in your life. You've got to feel secure with yourself first before being happy with someone else. Sorry to sound cliche and I know that it's easier said than done. Good luck.
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#5562 - 03/13/08 08:59 PM Re: Compulsive thinking & other relationship probl [Re: Jeseth]
TheMask Offline
member


Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 130
First i would like to thank you all for replying. It was very nice of you to try and help me out here. I appriciate it.

Sinistar

Well. Ive had an unstable relationship with my parents, my mother, so maybe thats where the lack of trust for girls that i love come from.
Perhaps both exes have set their mark on me with small lies. With the first ex it was mostly small things. (Although i found out later she had been kind of a slut, flirting with another guy in the start of our relationship while on a concert)
Such things as asking "Are you mad?" when she is mad and she still says "No" causes you to think "She cant be saying like it is". But even i tend to do that so i shouldnt point fingers.

The second ex of mine just made it all worse. I could ask her "Are you tired of hanging out with me?" and she goes "No" and admits to later. I encouraged her to tell the truth but she never seemed to get that.

She had also gone to a festival and kissed a guy on the cheek. She told me this one week after she came back and thats when i actually asked her if she had done anything of the sort overall.
These small lies seem to lay their tracks on me. And i find it very hard to trust girlfriends. It doesnt get better with a tad of dark thoughs in my head.

But i know thats its most probably a product of low confidence like you say. If my confidence was better i dont think i would be overly jelaous and controlling. I dont really know how to improve my confidence tho. Ive been thinking about looking at myself in the mirror and adoring my appearence perhaps to boost it. I used to think that i wasnt that attractive when i was younger but now im actually satisfied with my looks. Sometimes very.

My confidence is kind of weird. In a way i feel alot better then everybody else. But in a way there is still insecurity when it comes to dealing with some people in school and publicly. Mostly small things like saying "hi" i have troubles with, if i didnt say hi in a proper i way i start overanalyzing that and i rarely say it properly.
Having to do presentations in front of a class is always awkward although last time i did it it went very well. But that particular one is normal i suppose.

It also feels uncomfortable talking to some people but i suppose that feeling is normal as well.


"Stressors outside of the relationship could be another possibility. Maybe something else entirely is making you feel insecure."

Well, i strongly dislike going to school as well as having to see the people there. Its gotten better lately but it never completely goes away. Dont know if all of this could depend on that but perhaps a part.



 Originally Posted By: LUCIFERIFIC
But when i was younger i noticed that every time i smoked weed, i would go quite, and my mind would shut down, and it would be focused on one thing, and i'd just be there compulsively thinking about that one thing until the weed wore off. It bugs me.


Well in my case smoking it makes me not think very much. But i cant depend on that every time i start to think too much of course.
Thanks for suggesting that method of yours, its probably worth trying out.


 Originally Posted By: Jeseth
I have issues with with impulse control, too. I've done things that I didn't think myself capable of, just because I felt a yearning to. Growing up, it caused a lot of problems for me with my peers, and to this day some of them resent me. Do you really feel that you need to control your urges, though?

Have you ever you considered that maybe you're just not cut out for a vanilla relationship? Your "psychopathic" feelings towards your significant others are perfectly natural. You want to love, posses, dominate and control the women your with - or at least it sounds that way - and that seems normal to me. In a way, you may be feeling towards them as you would towards a pet: that they're defenseless and in need of your protection in order to survive. Maybe you need a woman who wants that sort of attention?

Maybe what you're feeling isn't wrong at all, and you just need to fall in love with someone who will appreciate the manner in which you express yourself?

Just a thought.


Well, im not really sure. This behaviour of mine is partly causing us to fight a lot and its getting to the point where you get really really sick of it, having another day ruined. So maybe i would like to control my urges to avoid this.

About the whole pet-aspect, it is a possibility. I am extremly controlling. But still the other half of me doesnt feel good about me keeping a significant other a "prisoner".
In the beginning of our relationship my girlfriend had a great respect for my wishes and let me decide the most of things, if there was something she was going to do that i felt bad about she could cancel doing it.

But i didnt like this. I wanted her to speak her voice as well, to say what she wants instead of just having me do whatever i want constantly. I dont think i want a slaveowning relationship.

I do feel that they are defenseless and need protection but its gone completely overboard sometimes. Once in the beginning of our relationship she wanted me to buy smokes, we werent supposed to hang out that day so i couldnt and she said that she would go out and try to get them by asking someone else to buy instead.
It was late and i was worried something could happen so i went with her just to make sure it went ok.

I mean, i dont want it to be like this? I want to hang out with my girlfriend because i want to, not because my compulsivity is telling me to protect her from evil. I cant be a protecter and watch out for somebody all the time, it would tear on me.
I want to protect her but i really cant. I hope this answered that last question of yours as well.

Thank you for an interesting viewpoint. And about the Ritalin, you cant really get it perscribed just like that can you? oO I think that i would have to have ADD in order to get the medicine for it. At least in this country.


Edited by TheMask (03/13/08 09:00 PM)

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