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#74961 - 01/31/13 02:45 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2721
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
This is a true historical story:

Visitors to University of California Berkeley sports games or student rallies in the late 60s would often be mystified that, to show approval, the crowds of students would yell "Shultz lives!", or disapproval: "Shultz is dead!"

The allusion was to an otherwise-obscure joke in an issue of the California Pelican:

A businessman returns to town and sees many women on the sidewalks, on their porches, at their windows, sobbing. When he asks some of them what's wrong, each answers, "Shultz is dead."

His curiosity aroused, he stops by the local undertaker to ask what's so significant about Shultz. The undertaker shows him the body, which has the most gigantic member he's ever seen. Astounded, he offers the undertaker $100 if he'll cut it off and put it in a jar of formaldehyde for him.

Arriving home, he calls to his wife, "You won't believe what I've just brought from the funeral home." She takes one look and cries, "Oh no! Shultz is dead!"
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Michael A. Aquino

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#74962 - 01/31/13 03:25 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
Fnord Offline
senior member


Registered: 01/11/10
Posts: 2092
Loc: Texas
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"


@Dimitri... Ha! Can't stop laughing about that one for some reason! Probably because I'm Irish.


Edited by Fnord (01/31/13 09:35 PM)
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#74963 - 01/31/13 07:23 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Fnord]
Octavius Offline
member


Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 562
Loc: just visiting
So I got broadsided by a midget this morning on the way to work. The little guy gets out of the car and says, "I am NOT happy." So I say, "Well, which dwarf are you, then?"
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#74977 - 02/03/13 02:26 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Octavius]
Robert Paulson Offline
pledge


Registered: 06/29/12
Posts: 99
Loc: Montana, America
There was this teenage boy whose only knowledge of sex came from watching internet porn videos. One day he hooked up with a real woman. Things got very passionate and the sex was great until he just suddenly stopped in mid-motion. The woman asked, "What the heck are you doing?" He replied, "Oh, I'm just buffering."
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Satan watches all of us and smiles as some do his bidding. - Jeff Hanneman (1983)

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#74978 - 02/03/13 02:27 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Robert Paulson]
Robert Paulson Offline
pledge


Registered: 06/29/12
Posts: 99
Loc: Montana, America
Do you know why there is a two-week gap between this year's NFL Championship games and the Super Bowl? Beyonce needs the time to pre-record her halftime show!
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Satan watches all of us and smiles as some do his bidding. - Jeff Hanneman (1983)

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#75039 - 02/07/13 12:56 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Robert Paulson]
Kirsten Offline
stranger


Registered: 01/13/13
Posts: 24
Loc: Boulder, Co
A guy walks into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "A whole lot, as a matter of fact.-- The Muslim one blows itself up!"

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#75976 - 04/15/13 03:51 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Kirsten]
hethatisfej Offline
lurker


Registered: 04/01/13
Posts: 3
This is a little better when you can do a little movement but I think it's still funny.

Dr. Jones is walking out of his office for lunch & he stops at the desk of his receptionist. "Sally", he begins "I'm going to lunch, I'll be back in about an hour if, while I'm gone Mr. Smith calls for an appointment tell him I can no longer see him."

Sally asks, "But Dr. Jones?! Mr. Smith seems like a nice man."

"Mr. Smith only uses appointments as a chance to hit on me. Not that I'm a homophobe but this is a legitimate practice and I can't entertain that behavior." The doctor replies sternly.

And with that the doctor heads off to lunch.

Upon return he finds Sally sitting uncomfortably at her desk.

"Here are your messages doctor & there is one other thing." Sally says nervously. "It's Mr. Smith, he's in your examination room."

The doctors voice hinting at frustration says, "Sally I distinctly told you..."

"But he seemed to be in pain." She interrupted.

The good doctor settles himself & enters the examination room.

"Alright Smith, what's the problem."

"It's my bum." Says Mr. Smith in a timid effeminate voice.

"Alright Smith, drop your pants and bend over the table." The doctor says gruffly.

Mr. Smith quickly does as he is told.

As the doctor snaps on his rubber gloves, he spreads open the man's butt cheeks & immediately jumps back exclaiming. "Good God man there's a rose in there!"

Mr. Smith turns & says sweetly, "I know, read the card."


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#77166 - 06/15/13 07:09 PM Re: Jokes [Re: hethatisfej]
dust-e sheytoon Offline
member


Registered: 08/23/11
Posts: 206
Loc: NYC
Here's a joke a Syrian friend found on some English language website:

CLEVER SON

An old farmer writes to his son in prison;
Dear son, this year i wont be able to plant potatoes because i can't dig the field by myself, i know if you were here, you would help me.

The son writes back; dad don't even think of digging the field because thats where i buried the money i stole.

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote again....
Now plant your potatoes dad.. Its the best i can do from here...
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#77174 - 06/16/13 01:57 AM Re: Jokes [Re: dust-e sheytoon]
Conchis Offline
member


Registered: 12/16/11
Posts: 207
Loc: us
Ha! I enjoyed that one. Work smart not hard.

A fly landed on a pile of dung and began to eat, and eat, and eat.

When he couldn't dare take another bite he decided to go take a nap. He found a broom leaning against a wall landed on top of it, and fell asleep.

An hour later he woke up still stuffed from his meal, and decided it was time to leave.

As soon as he was in the air SPLAT! he was dead. The owner of the broom had killed him.

The moral of the story is.

Don't fly off the handle, when your full of shit!


Edited by Conchis (06/16/13 01:58 AM)

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#77934 - 07/11/13 01:26 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Conchis]
SIN3 Offline
stalker


Registered: 05/14/13
Posts: 7204
Loc: Virginia
Little Jimmy Thornton is skipping down the trail with some chicken wire...

Old man Johnson leaps from his porch and says "Jimmy, where you goin' with that thar' chicken wire?"

Jimmy: "I'ma gonna git' me some chickens."

Old man Johnson: "Did somebody drop you on yer head son? You can't git no chickens with that thar' wire!"

An hour later...

Jimmy comes skipping up the trail with an arm full of chickens.

Old man Johnson: "We'll I'll be damned!"

The next day little Jimmy comes skippin' down the trail past Old Man Johnson's carrying some duct-tape.

Old man Johnson: "Jimmy, where you headn' with that thar' duct-tape?"

Jimmy: "I'ma go git me some ducks."

Old man Johnson: "Boy, you can't git no ducks with that thar' tape!"

An hour latter...

Jimmy comes back up the trail with an arm full of ducks.

Old man Johnson: "Well, shit. Ain't that sumthn'?!"

The following day, Jimmy is slowly approaching up the trail. He's got something in his hand that Old man Johnson tries to make out. He's squinting and looking, pacing back and forth waiting for Jimmy to arrive.

Old man Johnson: "What you got there Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "I got me some Pussy-willows..."

Old man Johnson: "Hang on there a sec Jimmy, let me get my hat..."
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#77949 - 07/11/13 11:06 PM Re: Jokes [Re: SIN3]
XiaoGui17 Offline
veteran member


Registered: 10/21/09
Posts: 1362
Loc: Austin, TX
This is from an episode of Bones, "Death in the Saddle." A very cheesy and perfectly timed aside comment ended up being the highlight of the show, for me.

A man is found dead. He was killed by a single blow to the forehead with a hoof knife, and his feet were cut off and buried separately. The ritualistic killing and burial is similar to that for a champion thoroughbred horse.

It is soon discovered that the deceased was into pony play, and investigators travel to the lodge where the dead man was a pony. They began to suspect a jealous rival for a female rider may be the killer, so they request to ask him some questions.

However, the rival refuses to break character. He merely snorts at the investigators through his bit. Getting fed up, one agent finally says, "Look, you can talk to us now voluntarily, or we'll have to arrest you and take you down to the precinct, and then you'll miss out on a whole day of horsing around."

I lost it.
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#77952 - 07/11/13 11:21 PM Re: Jokes [Re: XiaoGui17]
SIN3 Offline
stalker


Registered: 05/14/13
Posts: 7204
Loc: Virginia
Ha, that's a good one. I really do like that show. I'll have to catch that episode. Which season is it from?
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#93842 - 10/19/14 01:35 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2721
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
O.K., this joke is so great that I'm just sorry I didn't think of it first to pull it on Lilith. On the other hand, if I had, I probably wouldn't have been alive now to type this.

It's also so gross that the only place I could think of to post it is 600C. ;\)

A friend of ours recently called out to his wife from the bathroom: "There's no more toilet paper on the roll! Please hand me a new roll." When she did, and his hand touched hers, she drew her hand back and it was all smeared with brown stuff, to which she understandably yelled, "Agh! Ick!" or something like that.

At which point he laughed and said, "That's peanut butter!" \:D

What she said or did next to him is not recorded.

Note: If you try this on someone close to you, you never heard it from me.

Additional note: This is exactly the kind of joke Anton LaVey used to pull, which made it very dangerous to be around him. I'm surprised that Diane, Karla, or Zeena didn't do him in long since ...
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Michael A. Aquino

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#93859 - 10/20/14 10:47 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
SIN3 Offline
stalker


Registered: 05/14/13
Posts: 7204
Loc: Virginia
Boys will be boys. I'll never understand the amusement with poop and fart jokes.
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#93860 - 10/20/14 11:00 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
Megatron Offline
active member


Registered: 08/22/14
Posts: 859
Loc: fuckit, some kid cracked my co...
 Originally Posted By: Michael A.Aquino
O.K., this joke is so great that I'm just sorry I didn't think of it first to pull it on Lilith. On the other hand, if I had, I probably wouldn't have been alive now to type this.

It's also so gross that the only place I could think of to post it is 600C. ;\)

A friend of ours recently called out to his wife from the bathroom: "There's no more toilet paper on the roll! Please hand me a new roll." When she did, and his hand touched hers, she drew her hand back and it was all smeared with brown stuff, to which she understandably yelled, "Agh! Ick!" or something like that.

At which point he laughed and said, "That's peanut butter!" \:D

What she said or did next to him is not recorded.

Note: If you try this on someone close to you, you never heard it from me.

Additional note: This is exactly the kind of joke Anton LaVey used to pull, which made it very dangerous to be around him. I'm surprised that Diane, Karla, or Zeena didn't do him in long since ...


I think I saw this in a movie once .

Probably before your time.

=====================

All I have to say is that I appreciate your recent activities. You're growing tired, just like I told you in that PM.

Well, at least either that, OR . . .
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You can't beat me, I'm a fucking Transformer (TM), dude.

Oh, and I spell everything right.

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