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#15957 - 12/11/08 10:11 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Fabiano]
Fabiano Offline
member


Registered: 09/06/08
Posts: 374
This is NOT a joke. It's a true story !

The Balloon Priest
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin



(20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean, Brazil) In 1982 Lawn Chair Larry, beloved survivor of a Darwin-worthy attempt, attached 45 helium weather balloons to his comfortable Sears lawn chair, packed a picnic and a , and cut the tether. But instead of drifting lazily above the Los Angeles landscape, the combined lift of 45 huge helium balloons rocketed Larry into LAX air traffic lanes 16,000 feet above sea level. Astoundingly, he survived the "flight."
In homage to Larry's aerial adventure, a Catholic priest recently ascended towards heaven on a host of helium party balloons. Adelir Antonio de Carli, 41, was attempting to set the world record for clustered balloon flight to publicize his plan to build a spiritual rest stop for truckers.

Sitting for more than 19 hours in a lawn chair is not a trivial matter, even in the comfort of your own backyard. The priest took numerous safety precautions, including wearing a survival suit, selecting a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and a GPS. However, the late Adelir Antonio made a fatal mistake.

He did not know how to use the GPS.

The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land, but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he prudently phoned for help. But rescuers were unable to reach him since he could not use his GPS! HE struggled with the control panel as the charge on the satellite phone dwindled.

Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided him straight to heaven. Bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches. Ultimately the priest's body surfaced, confirming that he, like Elvis, had left the building.

The kicker? It's a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy. Since they voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool, the entire group earns a mass Darwin Award. Adelir Antonio wins twice over!

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#18540 - 01/21/09 12:12 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Picunnus]
Ringmaster Offline
member


Registered: 04/07/08
Posts: 205
Loc: Salem Oregon
A plane is about to crash, the pilots are trying to maintain speed and altitude so they call over the PA "We need to try to maintain our hieght and speed so we need you all to throw your luggage out the windows so the aircraft can lose unneeded weight."

This doesn't work so the pilots come over the intercom again "I'm sorry to say this we are going to have to lose some passengers to lighten the aircraft we will go in alphabetical order starting with the letter A. Africans are there any Africans?" Silence. "B. Are there any blacks on the plane?" Silence yet again. "Ok C. Are there any colored people?" Still silence.

A little black boy turns to his mom in the back and asks "But mom aren't we Africans, aren't we black, and aren't we colored?" The mother replies "yes son but today we are niggers and the mexicans jump first." The little boy starts laughing at the mexican.

The mexican turns to the black boy "fuck you nigger I'm mot a mexican today I'm a wetback."
_________________________
Get off the cross and save yourself, I feel no pity for the cries of a weak man.

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#18627 - 01/22/09 07:41 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Ringmaster]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
Man walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of bourbon straight up. The bartender placed 10 glasses in front of the man, each filled with bourbon, and the man chugged them down, one after another.

The bartender asked, "You must be celebrating something!"
"Yeah," said the man, "My first blow job."

The bartender smiled and said, "Well I think that calls for another drink!"

The man looked up at the bartender and said, "No thanks. If 10 shots of bourbon didn't get rid of the taste, eleven ain't gonna to it."
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#18631 - 01/22/09 08:50 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
LOL! That one was an oldie, but a goodie.

I got another one.

A guy goes in to see his doctor because his dick had turned orange.

The doctor asks him, "What have been your habits the past few months?"

The man says, "Well, I lost my job, so mostly I've been sitting on the couch watching porn and eating Cheetos".
_________________________
Nothing is sacred.

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#18638 - 01/22/09 11:30 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
fakepropht Moderator Offline
Big Slick
active member


Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 990
Loc: Texas
Hey! How did you get access to my medical records?
_________________________
Beer, the reason I get up every afternoon.

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#18644 - 01/23/09 01:28 AM Re: Jokes [Re: fakepropht]
Disabuse Offline
member


Registered: 09/19/07
Posts: 220
Not sure if this one was posted yet, but I like this one.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Dad, whats the difference between reality and theory?"

The father responds "Well, I could just tell you, but you might understand it better if we demonstrate the difference. Go ask your mom if paid $500,000, would she sleep with the mailman?"

The son goes and asks his mom that question and says "Hell yes I would!"

The son returns to his father and says "Dad, she said hell yes she would!"

The father says "Okay, now go ask your sister if paid $500,000, would she sleep with her principle."

The son goes and asks the question and she answers "Hell yes I would!"

The son returns to his father and says "Dad, she said hell yes she would!"

The father responds "You see son, in theory we're millionaires, but in reality with live with a bunch of whores"
_________________________
-Disabuse Conformity-
"Cu č surdu, orbu e taci, campa cent'anni 'mpaci."

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#18651 - 01/23/09 11:53 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Disabuse]
6Satan6Archist6 Offline
stalker


Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2509
Q: What is the opposite of Christopher Walken?

A: Christopher Reeves


Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

A: Acned doesn't come on your face until you are 13


Q: What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

A: Their last big hit was the wall.


Q: Why don't lesbians have sex in the morning?

A: Have you ever tried to peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwhich


Q: What do you call the useless skin around the vagina?

A: The woman


Q: What do tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing, you already told her twice.


Q:Why did the woman cross the road?

A: That's not the point. Why did she leave the kitchen? Furthermore, who gave her the fucking shoes?


Q: Why do women get bloating and cramps once a month?

A: Because they fucking deserve it!

Q: What is blue and yellow and sits on the bottom of a pool?

A: A baby with its floaties slashed.


Q: What is red and yellow and floats at the top of a pool?

A: Floaties with its baby slashed.


Q: What is the best pick up line in the world?

A: Excuse me; does this smell like chloroform to you
_________________________
No gods. No masters.

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#18664 - 01/23/09 04:59 PM Re: Jokes [Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
ceruleansteel Offline
active member


Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 784
Loc: Behind you
Q. How can you tell when a man is happy?

A. Who cares?

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#18670 - 01/23/09 06:17 PM Re: Jokes [Re: ceruleansteel]
The Zebu Offline
senior member


Registered: 08/08/08
Posts: 1640
Loc: Orlando, FL
oh come on, silly woman, you can do better than that.


Why don't women wear watches?
- Because there's a clock in the kitchen


and... (found this one on the internet)


Why were hurricanes always named after women?
-Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.


Edited by The Zebu (01/23/09 06:19 PM)
_________________________
«Recibe, ˇoh Lucifer! la sangre de esta víctima que sacrifico en tu honor.»

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#18698 - 01/23/09 09:57 PM Re: Jokes [Re: The Zebu]
ceruleansteel Offline
active member


Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 784
Loc: Behind you
John (now Jean) is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful women.

His old friend Pete sees him and says, "John, you look great...you're beautiful!"

John says, "Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt."

Pete says, "When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?"

John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."

Pete says, "When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?"

John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."

Pete says, "Then what did hurt?"

John says, "When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked out half my brain."

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#18711 - 01/24/09 01:43 AM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Asmedious Moderator Offline
Moderator
senior member


Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 1724
Loc: New York
Just heard this one at work.

A husband finds, that his wife has gotten a Tattoo of a seashell on her pussy.

"Jesus Christ, what the hell did you do that for?" He asks.

"Oh, stop complaining, if you put your face to it, real close, you can smell the ocean."
_________________________
"The first order of government is the protection of its citizens right to be left alone."

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#18713 - 01/24/09 02:04 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Asmedious]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
A man came across a woman on the beach, crying, She had no arms or legs, and he felt sorry for her, so he asked, "Excuse me, but why are you crying?"

"Oh," she said, "I'm so sad because I've never been hugged."
"I'll hug you," he said. And he hugged her close, but she still kept crying.

"Why are you still crying," he asked.
"Oh," she said, "I'm so sad because I've never been kissed."
"I'll kiss you," he said. And he kissed her deeply, but she still kept crying.

"Why are you still crying," he asked.
"Oh," she said, "I'm so sad because I've never been fucked."
With that he picked her up and with all of his might, he threw her as far out into the water as he could. Soon, he saw her struggling, because with no arms or legs, she was sure to drown, and he yelled, "You're fucked now, aren't you?"
_________________________
Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#18714 - 01/24/09 02:13 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Asmedious]
spiderbreeder Offline
member


Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 300
Loc: Sydney,Australia
A guy walks into a bar, and orders a shot of whiskey.

He knocks it back in a flash, looks in his top pocket,then orders another one.

Repeat performance.. Knocks it back, looks in his top pocket, then orders another one.

The bartender lets this ride for a little while without questioning this rather strange behavior, but after the 10th shot of whiskey/pocket peep in a row, his curiosity finally got the better of him...

"Hey mate, hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you keep looking in your top pocket after you've knocked your shot back?"


The guy sighed, had another shot, looked in his pocket and replied "Oh that.. there's a picture of my missus in there- once she starts to look good, I'll go home."
_________________________
REGIE SATANAS!

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#19573 - 02/03/09 04:57 AM Re: Jokes [Re: spiderbreeder]
Fallon Offline
stranger


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 13
Loc: UK, Swindon
Why did the baby fall out of the tree?

.........................

CoS it was dead.

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#19610 - 02/04/09 12:33 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Fallon]
daevid777 Offline
active member


Registered: 08/30/07
Posts: 951
Loc: Hell's Pisshole, Texas
Here's my "Laffy Taffy" favorite... and a change of pace,

Q: Why did the Cowboy buy a Daschund?

A: Because someone told him to "Get a long, little doggie".

\:D
_________________________
Where we're going, we don't need roads.

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