#24907 - 05/22/09 01:22 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Tranceparent Sky
stranger
Registered: 05/02/09
Posts: 31
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Three men are at the gates of heaven, waiting to be judged: A black man, a jew, and a gay guy. God walks out and says:
"Well, I can't really let you three in."
"Yo man, why not?" Axed the black man.
"Because you can't resist stealing." Replies God.
"What have I done wrong?" Asks the jew.
"You can't resist money and greed"
"Aww, why nooooooot?!" Whines the gay guy....God doesn't respond.
God thinks for a minute than says "You have each given into your natural temptations too many times, however, I'll let you live on earth for 12 more hours and if you resist all temptation, I'll let you in. If not, then you go to Hell."
So the black guy is back on earth, walking down the street when he sees a Cadillac convertable with the top down and keys in the ignition. He looks around, jumps in the car, turns the ignition BAM! he goes to Hell.
The Jew and gay guy are walking down another street when the jew sees a quarter on the ground. He bends over to pick it up. They both go to Hell.
_________________________
~Satanism~
The cream cheese to my atheistic bagel.
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#25095 - 05/28/09 06:14 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: lux]
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Meq
Banned
active member
Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 861
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One morning god says to Noah, "Thou shalt build me an ark, and shall put a couple - a male and a female - of all species on Earth, inside the ark. I will wash the sin away from Earth."
So Noah hired a few illegal immigrants to do the work for peanuts, and the ark was built in no time at all. Then Noah gathered all animals of both sexes as god had commanded.
Finally, he raised up his hands in the air, called for god and said, "My Lord, I have done as you commanded."
The voice of god was heard:
"Noah, you asshole, can you explain to me what is happening inside the ark?"
So Noah got to the ark, and what was happening? All the animals were swinging. The kangaroo was fucking the zebra, the monkey was fucking the lioness, the cheetah was banging the rhino, and so on.
Noah said: "Come on guys, at least you could do like the horse and wear a condom."
The horse replied:
"That's not a condom. It's the snake giving me a blowjob."
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#25218 - 06/01/09 03:16 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Nightmare]
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Saligia
stranger
Registered: 05/03/09
Posts: 37
Loc: Manchester, England
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Q: How can you tell when an Irishman is planning for the future?
A: He's bought two pints.
Abdul was working as a decorator, painting a house white. As he's painting he accidentally knocks the paint can off a shelf and is covered from head to toe in white paint. Cursing, he heads off home to change. On the way home he passes his best friend Rashid who points and yells, "Ha! unlucky Abdul! You're a white man now!" Abdul ignores him and continues on his way home. He passes his father on his route home and his father sees him and yells "Ha! Look at you Abdul! You're a white man!" Again Abdul ignores this and continues home. When he get's home, his wife looks at him and yells, "Ha! How long have you been a white man Abdul?"
Abdul loses his temper and yells, "I've been a white man for 10 fucking minutes and I already hate you Pakis!"
A man with a 25 inch penis goes to see a shaman as his penis is just too big to work with. Once he explains his problem to the shaman, the old witch doctor tells him, "go out into the swamp and look for the magical toad that lives there, ask the toad to marry you and the toad will say no, when it does this your penis will shrink 5 inches."
So the man goes to the swamp, finds the magical toad and asks it to marry him. Sure enough the toad says no and the man's penis shrinks 5 inches. The man decides that 20 inches is still too big and asks again. The toad says no and the man's penis shrinks to 15 inches. The man decides that 15 inches is still a little too much and that 10 inches would be a perfect size, and so he asks the toad to marry him again.
At this the toad loses it's temper and screams, "Look, I already told you, no, no, NO!"
Edited by Saligia (06/01/09 03:17 PM)
Edit Reason: Typo
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#25255 - 06/03/09 12:09 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: spiderbreeder]
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NDawg
stranger
Registered: 04/05/09
Posts: 30
Loc: Da South
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Okay, Okay, I got one.
There's this burger shop. One day a guy walks in with an ostrich behind him. He sits down and the waitress comes over and asks him what he'll have. He says he wants a burger, fries, and a coke. The ostrich says I'll have the same. She brings the food and he pays in exact change. The waitress is confused, but doesn't say anything. This goes on for about a week. Finally, the guy walks in again, orders a burger, fries, and a coke. The ostrich said I'll have the same. He pays with exact change, just like every other day. The waitress finally can't contain her curiosity.
"I hate to bother you sir, but, what's with the ostrich?"
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, I was walking down the beach one day and I happened upon a genie in a bottle. I freed him and he said he'd grant me two wishes. My first wish was wealth. I wished that, no matter what I wanted to buy, the exact amount would be in my pocket."
"That's pretty smart," the waitress replied, "That way you never have to worry about money. What was the other wish?"
The guy sighs and says, "My other wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agreed with everything I said."
Alright I got one more. Heard this one off a DZK song.
This dude walks in to a bar and looks around. He notices there are nothing but guys in the bar. He goes up to the bartender, orders a beer, leans across the bar and asks, "Excuse me sir, is this a gay bar?"
The bartender gives him a funny look and says, "Why, no son. You're in texas. Matter o' fact, you just missed Little Wayne openin' up for Bubba Sparks."
Here's another. (Not tryin to be racist, just thought this'un was pretty funny.)
Why is there cotton in the top of pill bottles?
To remind black ppl they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
_________________________
I live to be proved wrong. Help expunge my ignorance.
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#25584 - 06/11/09 04:18 PM
Re: Jokes
[Re: 6Satan6Archist6]
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6Satan6Archist6
stalker
Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2513
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Some of you might have heard this one before, but it is good one:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
_________________________
No gods. No masters.
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#26411 - 06/29/09 02:06 AM
Re: Jokes
[Re: Maxim D]
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6Satan6Archist6
stalker
Registered: 10/16/08
Posts: 2513
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This is not really a joke, more of a parody of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" but still funny:
Once upon a midnight dreary, where I porn surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious porn-site of 'hot XXX galore'. While I cliked my fav'rite bookmark, there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour. "Tis not possible!", I muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!" Quoth the server, 404
_________________________
No gods. No masters.
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