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#48020 - 02/04/11 12:51 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
I told this joke in a social setting at a restaurant in San Francisco with Dr. LaVey, several of the members of the Council of Nine, Forrest J. Ackerman and Kenneth Anger. The restaurant (I can't recall the name) was one of the last to serve fondu at the tables, and we had a nice cheesy one going, which inspired the joke.

There was a man with leprosy. BAD case of leprosy. Running sores, rotting flesh. It was so bad that they were going to ship him off to the leper colony in the morning. He was resigned to his fate, but he felt he needed to do one last thing amongst the normal people before he left. He decided he would go to dinner.

He spoke to the Maitre 'd and explained his situation. The Maitre d. said, "Well, I think I can help you. I can seat you in the back of the resraurant, but you'll have to face away from the other diners, and you'll have to sit with a drunk." The man indicated that he would accept those terms, and in they went.

He and the drunk sat quietly, eating their meal, when he said, "You know, I want to thank you for this. I'm leaving for the leper colony and..."

The drunk looked up with a disgusted look on his face and said, "OH!!! That's awful!!! Oh my god! I can't look at that!"

The leper said, "Oh, I'm sorry sir! I didn't mean to ruin your dinner. I'll leave you now with my thanks." And as he got up to leave, he heard the drunk say, "No... sit down... it's not you."

So they ate in silence for a while, an the leper said, "This really is wonderful weather we've been having."

The drunk looked up, gagged and said, "OH MY GOD THAT'S GROSS!!! I can't look at that! I'm going to toss my cookies!"

Again, the leper said, "Oh, I'm sorry sir! I didn't mean to ruin your dinner. I'll leave you now with my thanks." And as he got up to leave, he heard the drunk say, "No... sit down... it's not you."

As the drunk finished his meal, the leper looked at him and smiled. His nose fell off, and he said, "Thank you, kind sir. You've made an unfortunate man very happy, and I know that this kindness will be repaid..."

The drunk just looked stunned and barfed his dinner all over the table. The leper cried, "Now I've done it! I've ruined your dinner and probably scarred you for life! I deserve to spend my life amongst freaks like me!"

The drunk said, "No, no, man, I said it wasn't you! It's the guy behind you. He keeps dipping his bread in your neck!"

Hilarity ensued.
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#48022 - 02/04/11 01:08 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2573
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
That's coincidental, because Anton told me the worst leper joke I've ever heard:

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A: "Keep the tip."
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Michael A. Aquino

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#48023 - 02/04/11 01:23 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
MatthewJ1
Unregistered



LOL! Jake and Dr. Aquino those jokes are bloody shocking. Ha Ha!

(sorry for the one liner)

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#48025 - 02/04/11 02:05 AM Re: Jokes [Re: ]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
Dr. LaVey was sitting at the keyboards one evening playing some little tune, talking to Klaxon, the cat, who was sitting on the table, next to the keyboards. It was sort of like an old Vaudeville act where he'd tell a joke, hit the punchline and drop a rim shot. Klaxon apparently was an appreciative audience. I almost spit my coke out when he came up with,

"Mr. Rabbit and Mr. Bear were walking in the woods. (dump dum da da da)
And they walked and they talked as a rabbit and bear do, (dump dum da da da)
And the bear said, "Shit sticks to my fur, Mr. Rabbit, does that happen to you? (dump dum da da da)
Mr. Rabbit said, "No," and Mr. Bear wiped his ass with him. (Ba da BOOM)

Sounds much better with the musical accompaniment.
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Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#48026 - 02/04/11 02:25 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
Pheonix666 Offline
stranger


Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 22
Loc: So Cal
Utah Crazy Law
# It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.

# Birds have the right of way on all highways.

# It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.

# It is against the law to fish from horseback.

# When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.

# A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

# You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.

# It is illegal not to drink milk.

# It is considered an offense to hunt whales.

Kaysville
# You must have identification to enter a convenience store after dark.

Logan
# Women may not swear.

Monroe
# Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.

Provo
# Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.

Salt Lake City
# No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.

Trout Creek
# Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.
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#48034 - 02/04/11 07:29 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Pheonix666]
Nemesis Offline
senior member


Registered: 09/01/07
Posts: 2175
Loc: US
Phoenix, the point of this thread was to share jokes, not list the ridiculous laws throughout a state. It's funny, but off-topic.

Do you have any good jokes to share?
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#48040 - 02/04/11 10:49 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Nemesis]
Pheonix666 Offline
stranger


Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 22
Loc: So Cal
My apologies.

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
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I bring the Light, but will you receive it?

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#48048 - 02/04/11 01:54 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Pheonix666]
Nyte Offline
member


Registered: 10/19/09
Posts: 380
Loc: Ohio
LMFAO.....that was GOOD Pheonix!! I have to pass that one along.

I think he made up for his "list". Don't you Nemesis? I must say though, the list was good too.
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#48053 - 02/04/11 04:16 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Nyte]
Daafje666 Offline
pledge


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 73
Loc: The Netherlands
Q: What's the similarity between a lamborghini and a baby?

A: It's hard to get in, but when you're in it's one hell of a ride!


Edited by Daafje666 (02/04/11 04:22 PM)
Edit Reason: shitty grammar
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#48057 - 02/04/11 05:12 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Daafje666]
Dutch Satanist Offline
pledge


Registered: 10/19/10
Posts: 69
Loc: Delft, The Netherlands
Ponder this:

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

Can't remember where I got that from though, but it somehow stuck.
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#48060 - 02/04/11 05:27 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Dutch Satanist]
Jake999 Offline
senior member


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2230
If memory serves, it's an old Groucho Marx bit, DS.

I remember it from when I was a kid a loooooong time ago.
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Bury your dead, pick up your weapon and soldier on.


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#48095 - 02/05/11 10:01 AM Re: Jokes [Re: Jake999]
William Wright Offline
active member


Registered: 10/25/09
Posts: 862
Loc: Nashville
This one’s not so much a joke as a funny moment (at least to me):

When I was in the Temple of Set, I went to a gathering that included Setians of various degrees, including a few priests. After a couple hours of philosophical discussion, we headed to a nice restaurant for dinner, after which we would return to the gathering place to participate in a ritual. After the meals arrived and just before we started eating I said to the group, “So who’s going to say grace?”

The silence was deafening.
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#48142 - 02/05/11 06:24 PM Re: Jokes [Re: William Wright]
Pheonix666 Offline
stranger


Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 22
Loc: So Cal
Lol Thats funny.

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"


Edited by Pheonix666 (02/05/11 06:24 PM)
Edit Reason: Spelling error.
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#48166 - 02/05/11 11:21 PM Re: Jokes [Re: lux]
Michael A.Aquino Offline
stalker


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 2573
Loc: San Francisco, CA, USA
This one works verbally, not in reading:

"Why do mermaids wear seashells?"

"Because B-shells are too small, and D-shells are too large."
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Michael A. Aquino

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#48827 - 02/14/11 01:26 PM Re: Jokes [Re: Michael A.Aquino]
Daafje666 Offline
pledge


Registered: 01/08/09
Posts: 73
Loc: The Netherlands
Q: What's bald and 10 meters long?

A: A polonaise at the cancer ward.



Q: What's bald and 2 meters long?

A: The same polonaise, a week later.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many people live in Zimbabwe?

A: That depends on which direction the wind blows.



-->~Satanism: A non prophet organization~<---


Edited by Daafje666 (02/14/11 01:43 PM)
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That's why.

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